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make 'em laugh

vivien_o_blivion - 17-3-2006 at 23:17

well as the old one vanished-here's a new joke's section lets be having you!!!!



the muffin man gag!

be warned there's more to come-lol

[Edited on 17-3-06 by vivien_o_blivion]

scallopino - 18-3-2006 at 06:36

:roll:

Can't wait.

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:40

Johnny asks grandpa: Do you still have sex with granny?
Grandpa says: Yes, but only oral.
Johnny asks: What is oral?
Grandpa says: I say "fuck you", she says" fuck you too"

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:43



" You're Stuck?"
" No, I'm delivering a bridge here"

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:45

Why beer is better than women

Beer is always wet

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:48

H5N1 The new threat


[Edited on 18-3-06 by BBP]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:50



(Copy it to a white background if you use the standard black)

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:53


DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:54


DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:56


DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:57


DED - 18-3-2006 at 22:00

Intensifying measures of precaution H5N1

DED - 18-3-2006 at 22:04



"insert new password"
" Penis, (hihi)"
" Sorry,Your password is not long enough"

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 22:06


vivien_o_blivion - 18-3-2006 at 23:18


scallopino - 19-3-2006 at 02:47

Quote:
Originally posted by DED


:roll::bouncy::bouncing::biggrin::biggrin::lol::lol:

aquagoat - 19-3-2006 at 09:41

Quote:
Originally posted by DED


" You're Stuck?"
" No, I'm delivering a bridge here"


:D:D:bouncy::D:D

Pappawas1975 - 19-3-2006 at 17:01

Anybody else think that "Joke Threads" should be banned?

BBP - 19-3-2006 at 18:56

Is that a joke Goj?

DED - 19-3-2006 at 20:26

If not, what is wrong ?

DED - 20-3-2006 at 13:05

I can imagine that a topic like this gives questionmarks.
It is really very siple to google some jokes and post them here.
On the other hand it is a perfect opportunity to echange the differences in "cultures of humor". What is mentioned to be extremely funny in NL can be regarded as offensive or otherwise in other countries. Take for example all the quarrel about the Danish Cartoons. When we publish here typical Dutch jokes with a translation of English or French Jokes (with an english translation) I think we can learn a lot about each other with the help of humor. And that's no joke and therefore very :offtopic:

[Edited on 20-3-2006 by DED]

Pappawas1975 - 20-3-2006 at 13:21

eerrmmm....ahem!....none of them are really funny?

DED - 20-3-2006 at 14:25

Quote:
Originally posted by Gojira1975
eerrmmm....ahem!....none of them are really funny?


Does eerrmmm means that you have eaten lemons for breakfast. Please reply with something that is funny in your eyes, even when we cry our hearts out. :crying::bouncy:

BBP - 20-3-2006 at 21:36

Talking abouttypically Dutch: Fokke and Sukke. Once I bought a book with gags translated to English, unfortunately I misplaced it. But I do have one of the gags scanned in and on my site, hope you can read it:


[Edited on 20-3-06 by BBP]

vivien_o_blivion - 20-3-2006 at 22:02

Quote:
Originally posted by Gojira1975
eerrmmm....ahem!....none of them are really funny?





I DO NOT BELIEVE IT!-lol

post us some jokes that make you laugh then dawg!!!!

vivien_o_blivion - 27-3-2006 at 23:28


BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:38

:lol:

BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:45



"Hello, I'm Toni the mouse. Will you let me see what's in your mouth?"

BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:46

http://www.hiccup.com




BOO!

BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:46


scallopino - 28-3-2006 at 09:06

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

vivien_o_blivion - 28-3-2006 at 20:59

Quote:
Originally posted by scallopino
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!



BBP - 28-3-2006 at 23:18



"I suppose you've come for a face-lift?"

vivien_o_blivion - 30-3-2006 at 22:38


scallopino - 31-3-2006 at 04:49

And then you choke on the pill. . .

aquagoat - 31-3-2006 at 07:40

Quote:
Originally posted by vivien_o_blivion


:D:D:D

yoko - 31-3-2006 at 17:18

A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they're having trouble making love. 'Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?' asks the guy.

The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says 'OK'

He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says 'well things look pretty good to me, you don't seem to have any problems'. To which the couple respond with 'things don't feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance'. The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says 'look I really don't see any problem here, in fact I wish my love making was as good, why do you keep coming back?'

The young man says 'well to tell you the truth, I'm a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don't make much money. she's married to this other guy who works from home so we can't go there. I can't afford to take her to a motel. this place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare.

scallopino - 1-4-2006 at 12:00

Quote:
Originally posted by aquabot
Quote:
Originally posted by vivien_o_blivion


:D:D:D


The way to beat him would be to send it wide of him along the ground.

Unless he falls flat on his stomach or back there will be a big triangular gap when the arm of the cross hits the ground.

BBP - 3-4-2006 at 18:54


The ultimate Microsoft keyboard.

aquagoat - 3-4-2006 at 18:57

Quote:
Originally posted by BBP

The ultimate Microsoft keyboard.


One that works correctly.:D

BBP - 3-4-2006 at 19:00


BBP - 3-4-2006 at 19:31


BBP - 4-4-2006 at 22:16


BBP - 4-4-2006 at 22:21


BBP - 4-4-2006 at 22:31


scallopino - 5-4-2006 at 09:33

Hahahah! hilarious.

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:30

Why Men Die Younger

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:31


BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:36

This one's priceless...

yoko - 5-4-2006 at 16:44

Quote:
Originally posted by BBP
This one's priceless...


yeah...not even a couple of trillion dollars in war expenses

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:44


BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:46


aquagoat - 5-4-2006 at 18:33

Quote:
Originally posted by BBP


Hahahaha.:bouncy:

vivien_o_blivion - 5-4-2006 at 22:06

Quote:
Originally posted by BBP
This one's priceless...


wasn't this the exact moment that gorgey boy was told about 7/11--???
and then the goon still sat there listening to childrens books??

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 23:07

No that was "My pet goat". This one's called "America".

What a job eh! Reading children's books all day!

aquagoat - 6-4-2006 at 08:04

Quote:
Originally posted by BBP
No that was "My pet goat". This one's called "America".

What a job eh! Reading children's books all day!


You have no idea the efforts he must make to reach this girl's intellectual capacities, so we should congratulate him for succeeding in reading that book, especially since it's upside down. A great leader of men indeed.:D

aquagoat - 8-4-2006 at 08:19


vivien_o_blivion - 14-5-2006 at 21:31


DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:19


DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:20


DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:21


DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:22


vivien_o_blivion - 12-8-2006 at 13:30


BBP - 12-8-2006 at 14:41

World's Second Worst Joke:

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?



The picture can be hung with just 1 nail.

DED - 31-12-2006 at 19:04

Time for some bad saddam jokes now :P

BBP - 4-2-2007 at 22:45


scallopino - 13-2-2007 at 05:22

HAHAHA! I love cartoons.

BBP - 19-2-2007 at 18:41

Nothing beats a good gender joke:

Beer or Vagina?
1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. Point: BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. Point: VAGINA

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. Point: BEER

4. If, after taking a swig of your favorite beer, you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. Point: VAGINA

5. If you come home reeking of beer, your wife may get mad. If you get home reeking of vagina, your wife may leave you. Hmmmm? Point: DRAW

6. Ten beers in one night and you can’t drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don’t want to drive anywhere. Point: VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, you may harm your reputation. If you eat a lot of vagina in public, you may become a legend. Point: VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and smells beer on your breath, you may get arrested. If a cop stops you and smells vagina on your breath, he may buy you a beer. Point: VAGINA

9. You normally don’t find old beer. Point: BEER

10. Too much beer and you’ll see stars. Too much vagina and you’ll see God. Point: VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun. Point: VAGINA

12. Most places tax beer. Point: VAGINA

13. If you have another beer, your first beer never gets pissed off. Point: BEER

14. You know for sure if you’re the first to open a beer. Point: BEER

15. If you shake beer, it gets agitated but eventually settles down. Point: BEER

16. You always have a choice of beers: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc. Point: BEER

17. You always know how much beer will cost. Point: BEER

18. Beer doesn’t have a mother. Point: BEER

19. Beer never expects to cuddle after you drink it. Point: BEER

20. Tapping a Keg? Easy. Tapping a Vagina? May take weeks. Point: BEER


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Final Score
BEER: 11

VAGINA: 8

The winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and now feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that BEER would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. Score one extra point for BEER!

aquagoat - 19-2-2007 at 19:28

:D:D:D:D:D:D

punknaynowned - 20-2-2007 at 16:08

ha!
somebody forgot,
21. You don't get a hangover from Vagina. Point: Vagina
and
16. should read, There are far more kinds of vagina than beer. Point: Vagina
[so beer loses a point and vagina gains it!: 10-10]

now for the tie breaker . . .
22. I don't drink beer, therefore, by rights more vagina for me! Pont: Vagina.

and by that scoring, Vagina wins by a hair!

BBP - 20-2-2007 at 21:15

Beer doesn't get you babies. beer doesn't spend piles of money on preventing the coming of them. Beer doesn't want you to be sterilised.

Also, if the wife comes over, the beer will have no problems hiding in the fridge.

DED - 11-4-2007 at 16:29

Penguin

A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel
Schönbrunn when he found a penguin walking along the road.
So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.

He said to the policeman "I found this penguin on Hietzinger
Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Schönbrunn. What should I do with it?"

The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you should
do with it! Take the penguin to Schönbrunn Zoo.

The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police
station with the penguin under his arm.

The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw
the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"

The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House."

BBP - 12-4-2007 at 16:33

A man walks into a sex shop and asks for a black condom.

-Well Sir, we have blue condoms, pink condoms, yellow condoms, purple condoms, gold condoms, silver condoms, red condoms, orange condoms, lubricated consoms, rough-cut condoms, smooth condoms, libbed condoms, peppermint flavoured condoms, spearmint flavoured condoms, strawberry flavoured condoms, chocolate flavoured condoms, striped condoms, polka dot condoms, party condoms, French tickler condoms...

But we don't have any black ones in stock. I could order them but it will take some time.

-Oh. I need one today. The husband of my mistress has just died and I want to pay her my condoleances.

DED - 19-8-2007 at 10:53

Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.

BBP - 20-8-2007 at 19:37


DED - 27-8-2007 at 19:05

you re punished for deeplinking :biggrin:?

BBP - 29-8-2007 at 13:52

A man walks into a bar and spots someone who is slamming tequilas. He watches him for a while, sees him walk out, go to a nearby church tower, climb to the top, jump off and walk back to the cafe.
"How did you do that?"
"Well, whenever I drink tequila, it's like time runs much slower."
The man decides to try it for himself. He has several tequilas, climbs up the church tower, and falls to his death.

Barman: "You're such a dick when you're drunk, Superman."

BBP - 13-3-2009 at 11:56

What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the Germans are the bureaucrats, the English are the cops, and the French are the cooks.

In Hell, the French are the bureaucrats, the Germans are the cops, and the English are the cooks.

(If you're offended by this, I heard it from a Brit.)

scallopino - 14-3-2009 at 08:46

:-D

This is a commercial that could easily be a joke:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RbG1jHewWw

BBP - 14-3-2009 at 12:34

It is, and I had heard it before.

Two men are walking in a field.

"You see that tree over there? That's where I lost my virginity."

"Really? Tell me more!"

"Oh, it was embarrassing! Her mother caught us!

"Ouch! And, what did she say?"

"Baaaaah..."

scallopino - 15-3-2009 at 14:21

Haha. Sounds like the traditional "sex with sheep" gags Australians often say about New Zealanders.

BBP - 15-3-2009 at 15:25

Ah. I don't think the Dutch have a proper ethnic group for such a joke, and I was surprised to hear it with Scots.

You know the difference between a Scot and a Dutchman?

When a Scot goes on holiday, on his map he underlines all the places where he can eat cheap.
Whereas a Dutchman would strike through every place where he would have to pay for a meal.

BBP - 16-3-2009 at 13:55

Wise Advice Department: Whatever you give a woman, she makes it greater. If you give her sperm, she makes a baby. If you give her a house, she gives you a home. If you give her groceries, she gives you a meal. If you give her a smile, she gives you her heart. And that's why if you give her crap, she'll give you a ton of shĄt!

punknaynowned - 17-3-2009 at 18:17

wow!
that's a tall order.
Never heard things put that simply...

Huck_Phlem - 28-4-2009 at 07:52

OK now back to sexy sheepwear.
:bouncy:

BBP - 28-4-2009 at 09:56


Huck_Phlem - 3-5-2009 at 22:02

OK now thats funny!

BBP - 4-5-2009 at 10:14

Ta! I'd think of something else to make you laugh but right now the inspiration well is dry.

punknaynowned - 4-5-2009 at 16:09

"Is that a real belt buckle or is that nudey belt buckle?"
Cosmik Debris FZ 1979 03 19 Brest, FR instead of the normal line about the sears poncho...

what's a nudey belt buckle?
I guess he could be saying a RUBY belt buckle. But that doesn't make much sense either...

BBP - 5-5-2009 at 18:56

The best way to get a man to do something is to tell him he's too old to do it!

scallopino - 9-5-2009 at 15:00

Hahaha. :biggrin:

BBP - 13-5-2009 at 08:32

How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? They spray paint an "X" on the back of any sheep that kicks!

scallopino - 17-5-2009 at 14:50

:D Very good.

BBP - 22-9-2009 at 14:47

http://www.dailycognition.com/index.php/2007/05/06/idiotic-answers-...

I wish I had the guts to try that when I was in school...

aquagoat - 22-9-2009 at 20:39

hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa :D very funny.

BBP - 7-10-2009 at 07:41

Why did the first monkey fall out of a tree?

Because it was dead.

---

Why did the second monkey fall out of a tree?

Because it was stapled to the first.

---

Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?

Peer pressure.
---

BBP - 16-11-2009 at 10:51

A teacher was having trouble with one of her students in her First Grade class.

The teacher asked, "Tim, why are you so unhappy?"

Tim answered, "I'm too smart for First Grade. My sister is in Third Grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Fourth Grade!"

The teacher had heard enough. She took Tim down to the principal's office. While Tim waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he would remain in First Grade and behave. She agreed.

Tim was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Tim: "Nine."

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Tim: "36.'"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th Grader should know. The principal looked the Teacher and told her, "I think Tim can go to the Fourth grade."

The teacher replied to the principal, "I have some of my own questions for Tim. May I ask him?"

Both the principal and Tim agreed.

The teacher asked Tim: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

After thinking for a moment, Tim replied: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have, but I do not have?"

Tim: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Tim: "A coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?"

Tim: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Tim: "Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

Tim: "A wedding ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good."

Tim: "Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

Tim: "Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in a 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?"

Tim: "Fire truck."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in a 'K' that if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?"

Tim: "Fork."

Teacher: "What do all men have which is longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"

Tim: "Surname."

Teacher: "What part of the man has muscle but no bone, has lots of veins, pumps, and is responsible for making love?"

Tim: "Heart."

After hearing the shocking exchange between Tim and his teacher, he said: "Send Tim to college. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

And... how many did YOU answer correctly?

Huck_Phlem - 17-11-2009 at 18:26

Patty Black is at work at the bank. She is a loan officer.

Suddenly a frog plops onto her desk and proclaims "I need a loan"!
"Ok but do you have any collateral?" She says.

The frog produces these little gold statues. So, Patty goes to the bank President and says.. "This frog came to my desk and wants a loan."

"Does he have any collateral?" Says the bank President. "Well, yes he has these little gold statues."

"Oh those are nick nacks Patty Black. Give the Frog a Loan!"

BBP - 11-3-2010 at 21:05

The Irishman hobbled into a doctor's office. "I think I broke my foot." "What happened?" "Well, it all started twenty years ago." "Twenty years?" the startled doctor exclaimed. "Yep. I had just started as an apprentice to Sean O'Toole and I was sleeping in his hayloft. The first night, his young daughter climbed up into the hayloft and asked me if there was anything she could do for me. I said, 'No, I'm comfortable.' and she left." "So?" asked the doctor. "Then, the next night, she climbed up there again, but this time wearing only a nightgown. 'Now is there anything I can do for you?' she asked me and again I told her, 'Nope. I'm good.' " "I don't understand," said the doctor. "Then, on the third night, she climbed up there stark naked and asked me the same thing. And again, I said I was fine, and she left." "I'm confused," said the doctor. "What does this have to do with your broken foot?" "I'm getting' there, doc. This afternoon, when I finally realized what she meant, I got so mad I kicked a brick wall!"

BBP - 1-3-2011 at 17:33

Guitar Hero I:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2721

DED - 21-3-2011 at 18:41

The earthquake in Japan is not to laugh about, but this picture I saw of it make it hard not to.


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BBP - 4-5-2011 at 10:03

"Boss, I'm tired of being a human cannonball. I quit!" "But you can't quit!" replied the circus manager. "Where will I find a man of your caliber?"


polydigm - 4-5-2011 at 10:26

A magician working on a cruise ship is constantly watched by the captain's pet parrot. The parrot gets to know the magician's tricks and starts making wise cracks that spoil it for him. "Craw!! There's another door in the box!!", "Craw!! There are two different doves!!" and so on. The magician want's to kill the parrot but can't offend the captain. One day the ship has an explosion in the engine room, fire breaks out and the ship eventually sinks. The magician and the parrot end up floating on the same piece of debris. They glare at each other for hours but not a word is spoken. Finally the parrot squawks: "Craw!! Okay, I give in, where's the ship?"

punknaynowned - 31-5-2011 at 10:47


whether a babelfish translator or whatever, the sunglass sellers have a funny way of saying things,
"It is well-known that obtaining a pair of Oekley sunglasses is rather necessary. "

I changed the spelling so searchers hopefully won't find it here.
It's funny for whatever it is that generates it, to be so brazenly extreme with phrases like these and 'desire to to within the sunshine party' , attempts to use repeated words and phrases to encourage rhythmic reading which mimics singing songs, to generate enthusiasm to get the product - that are sunglasses!~ makes me fear they're a Singapore or S orean or worse, North K shop with people having to send out messages ... and having no knowledge of the language but do have knowledge through psychology and sociology, history ... from books written recently... 'about pattern and fashion'. It's funny if it weren't so oddly desperate.

punknaynowned - 31-5-2011 at 11:03

in other 'news', I find that I prefer the 'new' Lady Gaga song 'Born This Way' when played simultaneously with the Madonna song 'Express Yourself'. The journey made me realize that the melody used in both is a good one.
A good catchy one to whistle, turn heads at the office. I'm finding the older I get the easier I am with a good simple melody. ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0PvggdjkKE

Finger bandit

BBP - 10-10-2011 at 10:41


:cool:
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DED - 22-11-2011 at 11:23


Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when,
through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow
and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.


Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and
gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls,
followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders
forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls
fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed
plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt,
he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.
With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body,
and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.


Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,
"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"


"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,"
says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the
Ol' Lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom
department, and the therapist suggested I do
'
something sexy to a tractor
'.


[Don't make me come splain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly.]

DED - 24-11-2011 at 14:41


DED - 29-8-2012 at 20:19



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BBP - 15-7-2022 at 22:01


Two friends were catching up at their class reunion. "What are you up to these days? Got a good job?" "Can't complain. I've got like a thousand people under me." "Wow, that's impressive! What do you do?" "I mow the lawn at the cemetery!"

Eddie RUKidding - 23-7-2022 at 23:09

https://hifiwigwam.com/forum/threads/disturbing-fact-of-the-day.1079...

Is hard to post this here as don;t know how to post images :guitar:

https://hifiwigwam.com/forum/attachments/1658495907748-png.82361/
https://hifiwigwam.com/forum/attachments/1658495924990-png.82362/

BBP - 24-7-2022 at 10:16

For that hifiwigwam to show up we'd need to be logged in onto that site. If you want to post photos and make sure they are shown, you can use the [ img ] tags for that. If you want to be 100% sure that the picture shows, make sure it's from an image hosting that allows deeplinking.

Here's a list for that:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_image-sharing_websites

****

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several boxes of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.At his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles, but he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.Poor Louis stuttered badly, but not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.""Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."Turning to Paul the pastor said, "Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church and $280 I collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."Apprehensively, the minister said to Louie, "Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles this week?"Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?"Louie just nodded."That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.""Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.Impatiently, Peter interrupted "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!""A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-youj-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"-

Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/


Eddie RUKidding - 24-7-2022 at 21:44

^LOL,

Ok will give it a try


BBP - 26-7-2022 at 15:21

I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself, "That's the last thing I need!"


BBP - 28-7-2022 at 16:30

I like my men the way I like my coffee: I hate coffee, you racist bastard!


BBP - 4-8-2022 at 19:37

My wife texted me: "Your great." Naturally, I texted back, "No, you're great." She's been happy and smiling all day. My question is: should I tell her I was correcting her grammar?

My new girlfriend told me I was terrible in bed. I told her, "That's not fair. How can you make a considered judgment in less than a minute?"

Eddie RUKidding - 14-8-2022 at 00:28

Farmer Giles and his son are walking home after a long hard day in the fields.

Suddenly a motorbike with a headless rider rides past!

"Did you see that?" says Farmer Giles. His son nods, speechless.

A little further down the lane another headless biker rides past!

Both men stop and look at each other shaking their heads.

A third headless biker passes them further along the lane.

"I'm just wondering here" says the son "Do you think it might be a good idea if you carried your scythe on the other shoulder

BBP - 16-8-2022 at 14:38

Many years ago, Joseph finally received his exit visa from the Soviet Union so he could emigrate to Israel and join his family. But he could only take one suitcase. At the Moscow Airport, an enormous customs officer ordered him to, "Open the case!" Joseph did, revealing his few meager belongings and a bust of Stalin. "What's that?" snarled the customs officer. "What is that?" replied Joseph. "That is our glorious leader, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvelous life I'm leaving behind." "I always knew that you Jews were crazy! Go!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. As Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion Airport, he was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom. Welcome to Israel. Open the case." Again, Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer noticed the bust. "What's that?" "That is the bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me so I can spit on it every day for the rest of my life." "I always knew you Russians were crazy! Go!" said the official. Finally, Joseph arrived at his new home and unpacked before his young nephew. He removed the bust of Stalin and set it on a table. "What's that?" asked his nephew. "What's that?" echoed a smiling Joseph. "That, my son, is eight pounds of gold and a can of black shoe polish!"

BBP - 23-9-2022 at 16:15

What's the best way to comfort an English teacher? "They're, there, their."

GrayGhost - 8-10-2022 at 10:38


BBP - 11-11-2022 at 18:16

"Hon, I thought you had a lodge meeting today." "Nah, it got postponed. The Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate's wife wanted him to mow the lawn!"

BBP - 17-11-2022 at 12:40

Performance Appraisal Terms (And Their Real Meanings): "Great Presentation Skills." (Able to bullshit.) "Good Communication Skills." (Spends all day on the phone.) "Average Employee." (Not too bright.) "Exceptionally Well Qualified." (Made no major blunders yet.) "Work is First Priority." (Too ugly to get a date.) "Active Socially." (Drinks a lot.) "Family Active Socially." (Spouse drinks, too.) "Independent Worker." (Nobody knows what he does.) "Quick Thinker." (Offers plausible excuses.) "Careful Thinker." (Won't make a decision.) "Aggressive." (Obnoxious.) "Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs." (Gets someone else to do it.) "Expresses Self Well." (Speaks English.) "Meticulous Attention To Detail." (Nitpicker.) "Has Leadership Qualities." (Tall with loud voice.) "Exceptionally Judgment." (Lucky.) "Keen Sense Of Humor." (Knows lots of dirty jokes.) "Career Minded." (Back Stabber.) "Loyal." (Can't get a job anywhere else.)

BBP - 29-11-2022 at 21:32

My neighbor got mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. Personally, I'm on the fence.

GrayGhost - 10-12-2022 at 04:59


GrayGhost - 3-1-2023 at 08:39


BBP - 2-2-2023 at 19:58

Husband: "When I die, I want to die having sex." Wife: "At least it'll be quick."


AGuyWithAWrench - 2-2-2023 at 22:00

Holder of the record for MLB players with the most body parts making up their name



BBP - 8-2-2023 at 19:41

Two artists challenged each other to a contest. It was a draw.

GrayGhost - 5-3-2023 at 03:54

^^^^^ Pretty sketchy ^^^^^


GrayGhost - 13-3-2023 at 08:21


BBP - 21-3-2023 at 20:10

My ex-girlfriend just phoned to tell me she wants to get back together again. Man, am I lucky! First I win the lottery, and now this!

BBP - 10-5-2023 at 20:20

Give a man an airplane ticket and he'll fly for a day. But push him out of an airplane and he'll fly for the rest of his life!



When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's apparent.

polydigm - 11-5-2023 at 15:58

A dad joke? That one’s a bit dark.

BBP - 15-5-2023 at 21:20

That was 2 jokes in one post, dear.


I'm mad because I can't remember how to write the numbers 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals. Yes: IM LIVID!

Calvin - 16-5-2023 at 13:23

Whenever I'm down, my wife puts her hand on my shoulder and says "Earth".

It means the world to me.

BBP - 4-6-2023 at 20:08

My vegan friend's status said, "Iif you had to kill your own food, you wouldn't eat meat." I told him, "if you had to build your own computer, you wouldn't whine on Facebook!"

BBP - 9-6-2023 at 23:18

Every woman's dream is to meet a man who will look deep into her eyes, take her in his arms, carry her off to bed, and then clean the house while she naps.

jimmied - 19-6-2023 at 23:46

"I make music because it's the same as going to the toilet." - FZ

BBP - 26-7-2023 at 20:09

"You have the right to remain silent…" "Impossible, officer. I'm vegan!"

Calvin - 27-7-2023 at 01:33

My wife and I were going to see Oppenheimer last night, but we realized we were hungry and the movie is 3 hours.

So we joined the Barbie queue.

Plook - 29-7-2023 at 21:06

A family was taking a cross country camping trip and accidently stopped at a nudist camp but decided to stay.


The young son decided to walk around and when he returned, he told his mom the girls all had huge boobs, the mom said the bigger they are the dumber they are.


The next day the son walked around when he returned, he told the mom the guys all have big ding-a-lings, remember the mom said the bigger they are the dumber they are.


The third day the son walked around and when he returned, he told his mom dad is talking to a really really dumb girl and dad keeps getting dumber and dumber the longer he talks to her…:lol:

BBP - 14-8-2023 at 18:49

Last year, I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.

ursinator2.0 - 15-9-2023 at 19:41

Just another facebook finding:
:cool:

tinkamok - 16-9-2023 at 09:15

Quote: Originally posted by ursinator2.0  
Just another facebook finding:
:cool:


I have the edition of "The Adventures Of Fat Freddy's Cat " that strip is taken from :lol: Book 2 .
The cartoonist , Gilbert Shelton was in Plymouth signing copies of his work and i have a couple of signed editions of "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" .
Also a signed copy of "Philbert Desanex' 100,00th Dream" with a little hand drawn cartoon in the front cover .:lol:


BBP - 5-10-2023 at 22:34

From the Jokes I Don't Get corner:
Two buffalo overheard a passing tourist say, "What scroungy, miserable beasts those are." One buffalo asked the other, "Did you hear a discouraging word?"

polydigm - 6-10-2023 at 15:55

Quote: Originally posted by BBP  
From the Jokes I Don't Get corner:
Two buffalo overheard a passing tourist say, "What scroungy, miserable beasts those are." One buffalo asked the other, "Did you hear a discouraging word?"
It's about a traditional song from the American West.

"Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day."

BBP - 6-10-2023 at 16:53

I know that. In Toonstruck the parody is "Where seldom is heard an intelligible word, and the mango and diesel souffle."

Eddie RUKidding - 6-10-2023 at 21:10

:lol:

BBP - 6-10-2023 at 21:14

It's called "Home on deranged."

polydigm - 11-10-2023 at 13:40

So why is it from the jokes you don’t get corner?

Eddie RUKidding - 11-10-2023 at 20:51

No Cobbs allowed :biggrin:

BBP - 11-10-2023 at 21:28

I don't know the original, only the mango and diesel. :)

Diesel in this part of the world is when you mix Coke with Fanta (or whatever cheapo variety you use of the sugarfairy bathwater). It's possible to cook soda into syrup that you then use for baking (GBBO) so making a mango and diesel souffle should be possible.

BBP - 18-10-2023 at 19:30

Grunt time!

"Waitress, may I ask you about the menu, please?" "Sir, the men I please are none of your business!"

polydigm - 23-10-2023 at 09:47

I heard a good golf joke recently:

You're playing a round of golf with your friend and you've reached the eighteenth hole and you're dead even. You tee off a 200m drive right up the middle of the fairway, but friend drives into the woods. You help him look for the ball, but can't find it. The friend says go and take your second shot, I'll look a bit more and if I can't find, I'll go and tee off again. You take your second shot and it lands on the green, a significant distance from the pin. Suddenly you hear, "I found it!!" from the woods and next thing a ball comes flying up and lands about 30cms from the hole. Now, what do you do? Do you take his ball out of your pocket and let him know what a cheating bastard he is, or do you just let it go?

Plook - 23-10-2023 at 23:55

Good one Poly...:grin:


This actually happened when I was golfing on the Central Coast a couple of years ago and Kat was with me.

I am playing in a foursome of people the starter put together we had been playing for several holes together so everyone was loosened up.

We were standing on the tee box getting ready to tee off, this older guy that had to be in his seventies says "do you know why they call it Golf?"

We all look around and shrug, so we are expecting some historical background and he says "because fuck was taken"...oh my god we almost died laughing...:lol:

BBP - 24-10-2023 at 20:13

When you go to the hairdresser, there's always hair on the floor. When you go to a mechanic, there's oil and screws on the floor. But when I go to the bank...


BBP - 1-11-2023 at 23:00

"Mom, is it okay if my boyfriend and I go up to my room?" "Sure, Honey. You kids have fun." Soon, Mom heard, "Baby, baby, baby, oh!" She knocks on the bedroom door and asked, "What's going on in there!?" Her daughter replied, "Mom! We're just having sex." "Oh, thank God. I was afraid you were listening to Justin Bieber

Plook - 4-11-2023 at 17:38

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs.”


I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”


The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!”


Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”


I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores.


A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.


I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your badge 🤣🤣

Eddie RUKidding - 5-11-2023 at 01:04

^ winner & ^^winner again for both posts :biggrin:

BBP - 5-12-2023 at 06:22

Why is Elon Musk's Christmas dinner so awkward?

He can't stop talking about his X.

Plook - 6-12-2023 at 01:55

I'm going to need to barrow that one Bonny.

Plook - 10-12-2023 at 22:42

What do you call it when a guy cums in a girl???????


Loading the dishwasher...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 11-12-2023 at 20:23

Hope their using rinse aid.............. :duh:

BBP - 14-12-2023 at 21:00

From the Explain It To Me category:

Bing Crosby, Don Partridge, Mary Hopkins, and Lee Hazelwood, have asked me to join their caroling group this year. It's very exclusive: just Bing, Don, Mary, Lee, and I!

polydigm - 19-12-2023 at 09:07

Bonny, when you say "Explain It To Me", what do you mean? Do you really want someone to explain this to you, or is that tongue in cheek?

BBP - 19-12-2023 at 09:53

I really need someone to explain it to me, what does Bing, Don, Mary, Lee and I refer to?

polydigm - 20-12-2023 at 19:11

It’s a Xmas song called Ding dong! Merrily on high!

Plook - 20-12-2023 at 20:05

Poly I'm glad you explained that because I was totally lost on that one.

BBP - 21-12-2023 at 21:29

It sounds familiar but I don't know for sure where I heard it before. Interesting to read it was originally secular and from the renaissance. It's kinda similar to Gloria, which is here in a Dutch rendition:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxYF5jQloRE


BBP - 11-1-2024 at 20:38

A man was convicted of lewd behavior with fruit, but he got off on a peel.

Plook - 12-1-2024 at 01:12

That story sounds bananas...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 12-1-2024 at 02:52

Did it involve someone with Blue hair :shy:

BBP - 12-1-2024 at 20:28

The difference between entomology and etymology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

Eddie RUKidding - 12-1-2024 at 22:33

Its all words & worms to me :mad:

Plook - 13-1-2024 at 00:52

I was walking my dog in the city when it began to poop.

The dog had eaten a ribbon the day before and I saw it coming out, but it was so long it stopped when the dog had finished pooping.

So I started to pull the ribbon out which the dog looked thankful for.

It was very long so I pulled and pulled and the ribbon kept coming.

It was then I noticed a crowd had gathered and was watching what I was doing.

One woman who had walked up turned to the others in the crowd and said "Worst street magician ever!"

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 13-1-2024 at 00:57

:biggrin:

Eddie RUKidding - 14-1-2024 at 09:52


I just sold 15 LP's for $100 bucks to the 2nd hand record shop (he came to my place - so more carbon neutral ;D ) , including New Order Blue Monday 12" and Cocaine JJ Cale 12" , plus my 2nd copy of Sheik Yerbouti and Weasels Ripped my Flesh, Uriah Heap "eavy" etc, then used the proceeds to by Alcohol :D
https://youtu.be/9Bul0dJVfFQ
Blue Monday extended version above

^ Sh!t just listening to it now on youtube and thinking I really could have used that to annoy the Bogans because just playing it now annoys the Crap out of me ;D

BBP - 10-2-2024 at 21:44

The urge to sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

polydigm - 11-2-2024 at 13:25

Bonny, I laughed and Julie likes it too.

BBP - 8-3-2024 at 21:40



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polydigm - 9-3-2024 at 13:17

Amusing … a murder of crows.

Eddie RUKidding - 9-3-2024 at 20:24

^That would please Port Adelaide supporters lol

For the uninitiated, Adelaide has 2 football teams one called the Adelaide Crows and the other Port Adelaide and never to two shall mix or be friends, sort of a hate / hate relationship :biggrin:

polydigm - 10-3-2024 at 01:31

Just in case my last post is misinterpreted, I wasn’t talking about murdering crows. For those who don’t know, murder is the English term for a group of crows. Pack of wolves, flock of birds, murder of crows. That is the essence of the joke about the crows that Bonny posted above.

Eddie RUKidding - 10-3-2024 at 02:02

The rivalry between Port Adelaide and Adelaide Crows fans is just as funny :biggrin:

BBP - 27-3-2024 at 20:54

I have the ability to drive a woman wild using only my tongue. Let me demonstrate: "Have you put on a few pounds?"


Eddie RUKidding - 28-3-2024 at 04:38

:biggrin:

BBP - 4-4-2024 at 17:07

A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walked into a blood bank. The nurse asked, "What is your blood type?" The rabbit said, "I think I'm a type O."


Henry - 5-4-2024 at 01:26

Quote: Originally posted by BBP  
A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walked into a blood bank. The nurse asked, "What is your blood type?" The rabbit said, "I think I'm a type O."



Good one.

Plook - 6-4-2024 at 16:09

Ok I made this one up on the fly after hearing about the earthquake in New York yesterday...:grin:


I felt the earthquake:) in New York, it wasn't my fault...;)

Eddie RUKidding - 15-4-2024 at 22:09

Billy Connolly and Kenny Everett -on Parkinson in Oz (Oct 1981) :biggrin:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxs4QTE_xfg

BBP - 18-4-2024 at 21:55

You matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then, you energy!


Plook - 19-4-2024 at 01:44

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 24-4-2024 at 21:29

Arrr. What are the two steps to marrying a country girl?

1. A tractor.
2. Fertilizer.

:biggrin:

Eddie RUKidding - 24-4-2024 at 21:30

One more for the road or street lol

Plook - 25-4-2024 at 17:04

:lol:

BBP - 27-4-2024 at 10:48

Winner of the worlds "Funniest Crab Joke" competition:

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn’t. It used the sidewalk.”


Eddie RUKidding - 27-4-2024 at 22:09

:D
that deserves a "Round Of A-Claws"

Eddie RUKidding - 28-4-2024 at 23:00

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 deputy neutrons, 88 under neutrons and 198 assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

Eddie RUKidding - 2-5-2024 at 02:19

Breaking news - archaeologists excavating the ruins in Pompeii unearth the house that Keith Richards grew up in...

Eddie RUKidding - 3-5-2024 at 01:20

The most attractive girl I ever went out with worked at an abattoir.
She was a stunner.

BBP - 4-5-2024 at 08:46

Definition of a "cool surgeon:" the hip replacement doctor.

Eddie RUKidding - 4-5-2024 at 22:38

5 hours ago
An old one but nicely developed.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Eddie RUKidding - 6-5-2024 at 01:22

A friend once told me, “You can’t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.”

Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.

Eddie RUKidding - 6-5-2024 at 23:28

Coming up:

One of the most important lessons in learning how to play guitar.

Stay tuned.

Eddie RUKidding - 8-5-2024 at 08:41

Maybe Frank would have liked this one :bald:

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked .

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied .

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged ÂŁ5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds cash and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no-one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.

There were no discounts. The price was still ÂŁ5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor....

I was instructed to deliver your ÂŁ15,000 inheritance in person."

Eddie RUKidding - 13-5-2024 at 23:26

A man is sitting at the roadside looking very unhappy.

A soldier passing by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.

I've locked myself out of my car.' replies the man.

'No problem,' replies the soldier 'Let me try by rubbing my backside on the door.'

The motorist is perplexed but reckons there's no harm in letting him try.

The soldier puts his bottom to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the door and the lock clicks open.

'That's amazing' says the motorist. 'How did you do it?'

'Easy,' replies the soldier. 'I'm wearing khaki trousers.'
:devil:

Plook - 14-5-2024 at 00:02

Wow that was reach, but I laughed...:lol:

BBP - 14-5-2024 at 19:37

I remember first reading that and getting my sides split. It involved a damsel in distress and a soldier taking off his trousers.

Eddie RUKidding - 15-5-2024 at 23:07


Two Welshmen were shipwrecked on a desert island.

A number of years later, a ship spots them and a boat is sent to pick them up.

Getting off the boat, the obviously very English officer says, "My word, you chaps have clearly been very busy while you have been here."

"What's that you've built over there?"

"Oh, that's the hut where we sleep."

"I see. And what's that over there?"

"That's our kitchen where we keep a fire going and cook our food."

"I see. And what's that over there?"

"Ah. That's chapel."

"Ahah. And what's that over there?"

"It's chapel."

"Errr..... that's a chapel and that's a chapel. Why two chapels?"

"Oh, [pointing] that's the one we don't go to."

BBP - 16-5-2024 at 20:26

You May Be Old If... You go an entire day without taking one picture with your phone. You increase your font size to "Billboard." You get carpal tunnel syndrome scrolling down to your birth year. You look down and decide your t-shirt needs ironing and then realize: you're naked. You wake up with a hangover when you didn't even drink last night. Childhood punishments like naps, being grounded, and not allowed to go to parties, are now your preferences. You hear elevator music and remember when that song came out. You refer to your knees as "good" and "bad." Your doctor now tells you slow down instead of the police!

Plook - 16-5-2024 at 22:24

Good one Bonny...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 16-5-2024 at 23:48

They had to evacuate my local music festival when a band did a cover of Boogie Wonderland.

It set off the Earth, Wind and Fire alarm.

Eddie RUKidding - 17-5-2024 at 23:15

I'm so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

Eddie RUKidding - 19-5-2024 at 23:55

I just started downloading the Titanic soundtrack.

It's syncing right now...
:bouncing:

Eddie RUKidding - 20-5-2024 at 22:36

This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last 2 put together...

Eddie RUKidding - 21-5-2024 at 21:51

I wonder if Frank had one of these

Eddie RUKidding - 22-5-2024 at 22:17

A couple from the circus walk into the adoption agency office and ask if they can adopt a child.

The adoption official says " Arent circuses always on the move so how would you house your child ?"

"No problem" says the couple "We have the finest motor caravan money can buy with plenty of room
and all mod cons".

"That may be so but how about proper education if your always travelling"

"Well we plan to hire a full time teacher to travel with us"

" Hmm, its seems you have all the requirements covered. So would you like a boy or a girl ?"

" It doesnt really matter as long as he or she will fit into the canon"

BBP - 23-5-2024 at 20:50

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony, but eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is always zero.


Eddie RUKidding - 23-5-2024 at 22:16

^The Truth is always found in Mathematics, so no argument from me lol

A lad asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills. They were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

BBP - 24-5-2024 at 19:28

Once upon a time, I met a genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you." The genue saud, "Weurd wush, but U wull grant ut."

Eddie RUKidding - 24-5-2024 at 23:08

My mate recently hired an Eastern European cleaner, but it took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

Plook - 25-5-2024 at 01:23

I'm just to American for that one...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 25-5-2024 at 10:37

My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.

Her actual words were, “You’ve got fat,” but I know what she meant.

Eddie RUKidding - 26-5-2024 at 11:45

f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar.

The barman says, "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions.”

BBP - 27-5-2024 at 19:46

A woman was in labor with their first child. Suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't. Couldn't. Wouldn't. Didn't. Can't." Her husband cried, "Doc! What's wrong with my wife?" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions!"


Eddie RUKidding - 27-5-2024 at 20:52

^Sounds like the end section of Stink Foot on Apostrophe(') lol

Eddie RUKidding - 27-5-2024 at 20:57

Notice outside a church:

If you are tired of sin, come inside.

To which someone has added:

If not, telephone....

Eddie RUKidding - 28-5-2024 at 21:41

A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.

His wife says to him, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper to try to get him back".

The farmer does this, but after two weeks and no phone calls, the dog is still missing.

"What did you write in the ad?" asked his wife.

"Here boy," said the farmer.

Eddie RUKidding - 29-5-2024 at 01:34

My friend is very poorly so I went round to see him.

I took an I-pad, some DVDs and some ready meals.

Hopefully he is too sick to notice they've gone.

Eddie RUKidding - 29-5-2024 at 08:30

Postman Pat has finally reached retiring age.

On his very last round many of the households to which he's been delivering for years want to give him a really great send-off.

One family gives him ÂŁ100, one gives him vouchers for a really fantastic cruise, and another a big gold watch.

But at the very last house, he knocks on the door because there's a parcel and the gorgeous blonde girl who lives there opens the door in sexy lingerie and drags him straight upstairs for several hours of the most passionate and varied sex he's ever experienced!

Afterwards they go downstairs to the kitchen and she makes him a delicious full English breakfast: sausages, bacon, eggs, black pudding, mushrooms, tomatoes, the lot.

Then Pat notices, as she pours him a big cup of delicious filter coffee, that there's a pound coin in the saucer.

Pat says, "What's the coin for?"

She explains, "Well, last night I told my husband that you were retiring so I asked him what we should do.

He said, 'F**k him, give him a quid!'

"The breakfast was my idea."

Plook - 29-5-2024 at 18:52

I got that one, very funny...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 29-5-2024 at 20:13

:lol:
glad that one got thru, Postman Pat is popular in the UK and even has a song............ and even in Norway


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb3QXrvs6dY

English version :drool:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcXzU4JOiDE

Eddie RUKidding - 29-5-2024 at 20:36


Eddie RUKidding - 30-5-2024 at 22:09

I’m writing a song about getting my door lock replaced.

There’s a key change at the end. :bouncing:

Eddie RUKidding - 31-5-2024 at 22:24

A couple are sitting having a drink in bar just chatting away.

Suddenly the man slides down the seat and disappears under the table.

The woman carries on drinking as though nothing has happened.

The barman's a bit worried about this and says: 'Excuse me madam but your husband's just disappeared under the table?'

She replies: 'No, my husband just walked in the door.'

Eddie RUKidding - 1-6-2024 at 21:35

I had an accident and was surprised when the doctor handed me a report saying that my fingers were all broken.

It was hard for me to grasp.

Eddie RUKidding - 1-6-2024 at 21:44

British tourists driving around Germany; the woman to her husband

"'Ausfahrt' must be a big place, it's signposted everywhere"

Eddie RUKidding - 2-6-2024 at 22:54

Man at anger management clinic: "Sometimes I get so angry I just want to go out and do judo moves on fat people."

Therapist: "Calm down. There's no point throwing a wobbly."

Eddie RUKidding - 3-6-2024 at 22:09

tis was the coldest night of the year and the next morning all the cows were frozen solid.

Farmer Giles tried everything he could think of - blankets, hot water bottles, even a hair dryer - but the cows remained solid blocks of ice.

A neighbour passing by asked what the problem was and on being told he smiled and said "I know the very person who can help you!"

Half an hour later he was back with an elderly woman wrapped in a shawl, hobbling slowly towards the cow field.

"She'll sort you out!" he smiled.

She went from cow to cow, stroking, patting, whispering, and gradually each animal was released from its icy bonds.

"That's a miracle!" said the farmer. "Who is she?"

"Didn't you recognise her? That's Thaw-A-Herd!"

Eddie RUKidding - 4-6-2024 at 20:09


Jesus walks into a restaurant and says, "Table for 26 please".

Maitre d' (looking past him at the entourage): "But sir, there are only thirteen of you."

"Yes, but we're all going to sit on the same side."

Eddie RUKidding - 5-6-2024 at 20:44


BBP - 5-6-2024 at 20:50

Truth!

Eddie RUKidding - 5-6-2024 at 20:51


Eddie RUKidding - 6-6-2024 at 19:39


Eddie RUKidding - 8-6-2024 at 21:19


Eddie RUKidding - 9-6-2024 at 23:29

I always get frustrated trying to put my trousers in the wardrobe.

I think I have hanger management issues.

Plook - 10-6-2024 at 17:05


Eddie RUKidding - 10-6-2024 at 22:20

A failed rock musician rents a studio to record his own suicide, and makes arrangements for the resulting disc to be produced and sent to an extensive list of promoters and critics.

In the studio he reads a long statement -

"This is for all you philistines out there who never gave my music a chance, who care only about the bottom line and couldn't give a flying damn about the creative musicians who slog their guts out all their lives just so you can sip cocktails on a beach in the Caribbean... (etc. etc.) well I've had enough, you ignored me, then you cheated me and finally you forgot about me, you ruined my life and I want you to know it's YOU who are responsible for what I'm about to do...."

and he takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head.

From the control room, the engineer says "Good level - shall we go for a take?"

Eddie RUKidding - 10-6-2024 at 22:25

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

BBP - 11-6-2024 at 21:31

:drums:

BBP - 11-6-2024 at 21:34

William bought a new car with the latest in A.I. technology. When he got home, his wife was tired and asked him to pick up the children from school. William said to the car, "Go to school and bring home my children." The car didn't return for quite a while. Finally, it showed up with an overload of children. The car pulled in the driveway and announced, "These are your children, sir." In the car was their landlady's daughter, the choir director's son, his wife's friend's daughter, the pastor's son, and their neighbor's son. William's wife angrily shouted, "Don't tell me that all these kids are yours!" William asked calmly, "First, explain why our children are not in the car?"

Eddie RUKidding - 11-6-2024 at 21:53

^ Good One- I hope Elon has a similar experience with AI lol

I should have never glued a piranha to my boomerang.

I just know it’s going to come back to bite me.

BBP - 12-6-2024 at 19:52

A well-worn dollar bill and a similarly-distressed hundred-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. They struck up a conversation. The hundred reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a good life," it proclaimed. "I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, Broadway shows, and even a Caribbean cruise." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've had an exciting life." "Sure have. Where have you been?" The single replied, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Presbyterian church, the Baptist Church." The hundred asked, "What's a church?"

Eddie RUKidding - 12-6-2024 at 22:25


Eddie RUKidding - 13-6-2024 at 21:48


Eddie RUKidding - 13-6-2024 at 21:51



:guitar::drums::guitar2::singer::devil:

Plook - 14-6-2024 at 19:28

Sooo true...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 15-6-2024 at 23:09

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three, one change the bulb and the other two to hold the penis, I mean mother, I mean ladder.

Eddie RUKidding - 16-6-2024 at 23:16

Tried something new last night.

I had curried pelican at my local Indian.

It was lovely but the bill was enormous.

Eddie RUKidding - 17-6-2024 at 22:35

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

$45 Billion found in a Nigerian man's flat.

He'd spent 10 years trying get rid of it, but nobody answered his emails.

Eddie RUKidding - 18-6-2024 at 23:17


Eddie RUKidding - 19-6-2024 at 23:24

Fancy Dress Party

Host: What have you come as?

Me: A harp

Host: Your costume's too small to be a harp.

Me: Are you calling me a lyre? :guitar2:

Eddie RUKidding - 20-6-2024 at 23:06


Eddie RUKidding - 20-6-2024 at 23:15

"Doctor, doctor every time I see a biro lid,I get all sad and tearful."

"Tell me how long have you had these pen top emotions?"

BBP - 21-6-2024 at 21:05

What Is the Number One Complaint from Tesla Employees?
No matter where you are in the facility it always smells a little musky.

Eddie RUKidding - 21-6-2024 at 23:50

My friend keeps saying:

"Could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well.

Eddie RUKidding - 22-6-2024 at 23:03

During my check up I asked the doctor "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then ?"

He replied "I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now".

I said "I don't go in for that astrology nonsense".

He replied "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke".

Eddie RUKidding - 23-6-2024 at 23:14

I said to the auctioneer "So, this stuffed dog in the auction, what would it fetch if it were in its original condition?”

He said “Sticks”

Eddie RUKidding - 24-6-2024 at 23:29

What do you call a parrot with an umbrella?

Polly unsaturated

Eddie RUKidding - 25-6-2024 at 23:45

Thinking ahead....

I've just booked the same table as last year for me and my wife on Valentine's Day.

Hopefully she will pot more than one ball this year.

Eddie RUKidding - 25-6-2024 at 23:57


Eddie RUKidding - 27-6-2024 at 02:08

Pablo Picasso disturbs a burglar when he returns to his house one night.

The burglar scarpers sharpish.

Picasso does a drawing of the miscreant for the local police who subsequently arrest a horse and a tin of sardines.

Eddie RUKidding - 27-6-2024 at 02:14

Here is a English one - relevant to the upcoming UK Election :devil:

polydigm - 27-6-2024 at 10:10

That Fewer Trump joke is hilarious!!

Plook - 28-6-2024 at 00:35

Agree, I have been sending that one around...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 30-6-2024 at 23:34

Q: How do you know Jesus was into nouvelle cuisine ?

A: He fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fish.

Eddie RUKidding - 2-7-2024 at 04:20


Eddie RUKidding - 3-7-2024 at 07:49

Apparently Charles Dickens' 'A Tale of Two Cities' was originally serialised in two West Midlands newspapers.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times...

BBP - 3-7-2024 at 20:51

Philosophy is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat.
Metaphysics is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't there.
Theology is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't there, and shouting, "I found it!"
Science is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat, using a flashlight.

Plook - 3-7-2024 at 21:35

Quote: Originally posted by BBP  
Philosophy is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat.
Metaphysics is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't there.
Theology is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't there, and shouting, "I found it!"
Science is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat, using a flashlight.



I will be borrowing that one Bonny...:guitar2:

Eddie RUKidding - 3-7-2024 at 23:16

I told my psychiatrist I keep hearing voices in my head.

He said "You don't have a psychiatrist".

Eddie RUKidding - 6-7-2024 at 23:40

After stealing all the punctuation marks off the judge’s keyboard …

I’m expecting a long sentence.

Eddie RUKidding - 8-7-2024 at 23:25

I had to go for a job interview yesterday.

The interviewer asked me: 'Can you perform under pressure?'

I replied: 'No, but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody!

Eddie RUKidding - 9-7-2024 at 23:30


BBP - 10-7-2024 at 20:27

Local news channel made an instruction video so you too can go from links to rechts:
https://www.omroepbrabant.nl/nieuws/4504704/met-deze-instructievideo...

Eddie RUKidding - 10-7-2024 at 23:57

Guy goes to the doctor with a raft of symptoms.

The doc takes a look and runs a couple of tests and says, 'Bad news, sir. You've got gonorrhea and herpes and covid. We're going to put you in a special isolation room and feed you a diet of flounder, pizza and pancakes.'

'Flounder, pizza and pancakes?', says the guy. 'Will that cure me?'

'No', says the doc, 'but we'll be able to fit it under the door. '

Eddie RUKidding - 11-7-2024 at 23:29

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?

HDMI.

Henry - 12-7-2024 at 12:37

A mate has 2 tickets for the England v spain game sunday night.

He paid £360 each, including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Guildford Registry Office, at 3pm. The bride's name is Sarah, she's 5'7" & quite attractive.

Plook - 12-7-2024 at 13:46

I hope this isn't too American



Eddie RUKidding - 13-7-2024 at 01:07

^ Both very funny- Tupperware is everywhere

The difference between America and the rest of the west..... :guitar:


Plook - 13-7-2024 at 15:23

^^^Great one!



Eddie RUKidding - 14-7-2024 at 00:23


Eddie RUKidding - 14-7-2024 at 00:25

one more for the day

ursinator2.0 - 14-7-2024 at 13:59


Eddie RUKidding - 14-7-2024 at 23:37

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
Following the funeral, the clergyman approached the elderly farmer and inquired why he nodded in accord with the women but consistently shook his head in disagreement with the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Eddie RUKidding - 14-7-2024 at 23:42

Real BBC News Headline :bald:


Plook - 15-7-2024 at 16:21

:lol:



Eddie RUKidding - 16-7-2024 at 01:36

^ Too true almost to be funny :biggrin:


Henry - 16-7-2024 at 09:50

Good ones above.

Eddie RUKidding - 17-7-2024 at 02:07

Will be heading to Queensland Towing the Caravan with the Tata ute this Friday, but wont be able to go and see the Tenacious D Touring Oz, as they have just cancelled their dates after just one show ............. (prob would not have gone anyway :devil:
'Devastated' fans mourn Tenacious D's cancelled tour after Trump assassination joke"

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-07-17/-devastated-fans-mourn-tenaci...

Eddie RUKidding - 17-7-2024 at 02:10

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool.

One turns to the other and asks, “Have you read Marx?”

He replies, “Yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs.”

Eddie RUKidding - 17-7-2024 at 23:58

Did you hear about the explorers' weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?

They could never beat the Straights of Magellan.

Eddie RUKidding - 18-7-2024 at 22:53

See ya in a week or two - off a caravanning to Qld, escaping the snow and cold down south :lol:

King Charles decided not to visit the USA as he thought he was too big a target...
Apparently he is coming downunder in October :drool:

Plook - 19-7-2024 at 01:23

Have a great trip Eddie be safe.

BBP - 20-7-2024 at 10:40

Ejoy your trip Eddie1

BBP - 20-7-2024 at 13:41

A man walked up to the manager of the Mercedes dealership and said, "My wife just got her driver's license and she wants to talk to you about that Ford in your showroom window." The manager replied, "There's no Ford in our showroom window!" The man said, "There is now!"

BBP - 22-7-2024 at 20:01

I went to a zoo yesterday, but it only had one exhibit. It was a Shih Tzu.

Eddie RUKidding - 1-8-2024 at 04:35

I put my motorbike for sale on Autotrader

Someone asked whats the lowest I could go on it?

I replied,

"About 2 mph, any lower and you'll probably tip over."

Eddie RUKidding - 2-8-2024 at 00:26

Doctor: I'm sorry, we couldn't save your wife...we didn't know her blood type.
Husband: What were her last words...?
Doctor: She kept saying "Be positive!"

Eddie RUKidding - 2-8-2024 at 23:58


Eddie RUKidding - 4-8-2024 at 00:38


Eddie RUKidding - 4-8-2024 at 23:33

Did Zappa have some influence here from Beyond............ :biggrin:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-11203491/Colonoscopy...


Eddie RUKidding - 7-8-2024 at 23:32

What do you call a scientist that studies carbonation?

A fizzicist.

Eddie RUKidding - 8-8-2024 at 23:46


Eddie RUKidding - 10-8-2024 at 01:35


Eddie RUKidding - 10-8-2024 at 01:38


Eddie RUKidding - 11-8-2024 at 00:06


BBP - 12-8-2024 at 19:00

Parents are people who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.


Eddie RUKidding - 12-8-2024 at 23:30

The Romans invented Vaseline. Or was it Ancient Grease?

BBP - 14-8-2024 at 20:56

After fifteen sexually-starved years in the insane asylum, an inmate escaped. The first female he passed was the woman washing the asylum's laundry. He grabbed her, satisfied his urges, and ran off to freedom. The next day, the local newspaper ran the headline, "Nut Screws Washer and Bolts."

Eddie RUKidding - 14-8-2024 at 23:44

^Very funny


Eddie RUKidding - 15-8-2024 at 23:44

Once I was accidentally locked in a recording studio.

I yelled for help but no one could hear me. I didn’t know why.

I was baffled.

Eddie RUKidding - 17-8-2024 at 00:18

I bought eight legs of venison from our butcher for ÂŁ40.
Is that two deer?

Eddie RUKidding - 18-8-2024 at 00:36


Eddie RUKidding - 19-8-2024 at 01:00


Plook - 20-8-2024 at 15:16

Eddie you challenge the brain I like it!

Eddie RUKidding - 21-8-2024 at 01:03

I try my best :cool:

Eddie RUKidding - 23-8-2024 at 00:44

A 50-year-old billionaire walks into a pub with his 25-year-old girlfriend.
His buddy asked him how he managed to get a girl half his age. The billionaire replied, “I lied about my age.”
His friend asked, “You told her you were 40?”
No said the billionaire, “I told her I was 90.”

Eddie RUKidding - 24-8-2024 at 00:16


BBP - 24-8-2024 at 12:50

Yesterday, I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo. This morning, when it wouldn't wash off, I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn't there.


Eddie RUKidding - 24-8-2024 at 23:58


Eddie RUKidding - 27-8-2024 at 04:29



and themes for a dozen Zappa songs :mad:

BBP - 29-8-2024 at 20:43

A teacher had a class with a very shy boy named Jerry and a truly mean girl named Traci. Traci begged for attention and mocked the other kids. One day, the teacher paired up Jerry and Traci for a group project with two other boys. Traci did nothing and just talked to the other two boys, leaving Jerry to do all the work. The teacher asked them, "Why is Jerry doing all the work while you three chat?" Traci quickly replied, "He's hogging everything. Jerry won't let us do anything." The teacher knew this wasn't true. "Then Jerry can rest, since he's already done his share." Traci responded, "No, that's okay. Let him do it. He's a nerd anyways" and got a big laugh out of the other boys. The teacher said, "You should be nice to Jerry; he could be your boss someday." Without hesitation, Jerry said, "No, thanks. When I grow up, I don't plan to be a pimp!"

Eddie RUKidding - 29-8-2024 at 23:58

A nice Nerdy one here too :biggrin:

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing Hide ‘n’ Seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count, so he covers his eyes and counts to ten. Pascal runs to hide, but Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground, then stands in the middle of it.

Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “I found you, Newton! You’re it!”

Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

Eddie RUKidding - 3-9-2024 at 04:56

How do you colonize Mars?

M:A:R:S

Eddie RUKidding - 3-9-2024 at 05:25



Minnesota Minneminneminneminne- it can't happen here :biggrin:

Eddie RUKidding - 3-9-2024 at 23:35


Plook - 4-9-2024 at 00:12

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 4-9-2024 at 00:58

Thought you'd like a good probing joke :biggrin:

Eddie RUKidding - 5-9-2024 at 05:21


Eddie RUKidding - 6-9-2024 at 01:12


Eddie RUKidding - 7-9-2024 at 01:24

As you know Karl Marx is well-known, but most people have forgotten about his sister the Olympic runner Onya. Her name remains at the start of every race when her name is loudly mentioned in honour of her achievements.

Plook - 7-9-2024 at 14:21

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 8-9-2024 at 00:09


Eddie RUKidding - 9-9-2024 at 00:35


Eddie RUKidding - 10-9-2024 at 01:37


Plook - 10-9-2024 at 01:45

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 11-9-2024 at 00:45


Eddie RUKidding - 12-9-2024 at 00:26

I've just downloaded a piece of software to my phone that identifies different tree resins.
It's called What Sap.

Eddie RUKidding - 13-9-2024 at 00:00


Eddie RUKidding - 13-9-2024 at 23:59


Eddie RUKidding - 15-9-2024 at 00:16


Plook - 17-9-2024 at 13:58

The Haitian Pool Boy I am sending out everywhere hilarious...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 19-9-2024 at 01:24


Eddie RUKidding - 21-9-2024 at 01:00



I made a paper airplane but it just hovered in one spot like a helicopter.

Then I remembered that it was stationary.

Eddie RUKidding - 22-9-2024 at 00:02


Eddie RUKidding - 22-9-2024 at 00:09


BBP - 24-9-2024 at 19:11

A man with three girlfriends didn't know which one to marry. So he gave each one $5,000 to see what would happen. The first got a total makeover, new clothes, new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works. She explained, "I spent all the money on myself making me look good for you, because I love you so much." The second bought new golf clubs, a home theater and a big-screen TV and gave them to him. She explained, "I spent all the money buying things for you, because I love you so much." The third invested the $5,000 in the stock market, quickly doubled her money, gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the rest. She explained, "I invested the rest of the money for our future, because I love you so much." The man carefully considered how each woman has risen to the challenge of his test. So which girl did he marry? The one with the big tits.

Eddie RUKidding - 25-9-2024 at 05:57

^ HA HA very funny :D
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

Eddie RUKidding - 27-9-2024 at 00:35

Today on the street a man asked me for a dollar. I told him that I only carry big bills.

He said give me one of those.

So I gave him my electric bill.

Plook - 27-9-2024 at 20:48

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 29-9-2024 at 00:21


Eddie RUKidding - 30-9-2024 at 00:20

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

PS 2 things about Fosters
1. Its not sold in Australia and is for export consumption only.
2. Fosters is not good enough to be sold in OZ lol
Not to say we have got some really bad beers available on the Oz market, Black Duck (Swan Beer) and West End to name a few

Eddie RUKidding - 1-10-2024 at 08:37

I'm fed up with comments from people ridiculing EVs. They don’t know what they’re talking about.
Personally I drive two of the top of the range EVs from Jaguar and Porsche. Their acceleration and handling is fantastic. They look brilliant and they’re really cheap to run. They hardly need any maintenance and haven’t depreciated since I bought them.
Literally the only criticism I could make of them sometimes is that if I push them hard into the corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the sofa…

Eddie RUKidding - 2-10-2024 at 07:35


Does not look like a bakery but looks like they put Buns in the oven thou 😉

Plook - 2-10-2024 at 14:04

Quote: Originally posted by Eddie RUKidding  
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

PS 2 things about Fosters
1. Its not sold in Australia and is for export consumption only.
2. Fosters is not good enough to be sold in OZ lol
Not to say we have got some really bad beers available on the Oz market, Black Duck (Swan Beer) and West End to name a few




Great Joke, I am spreading it around but I had to look up what a Scouser was and explain it when I tell it...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 2-10-2024 at 23:50

Yeah Scouser is an ingrained Pommie slang term for a native or inhabitant of Liverpool ie the Beatles included :D

Eddie RUKidding - 3-10-2024 at 07:19


Eddie RUKidding - 4-10-2024 at 00:17

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

BBP - 4-10-2024 at 20:56

Advertising Terms Explained: NEW: Different color from previous design. ALL NEW: Parts not compatible with previous designs. EXCLUSIVE: Imported. UNMATCHED: Nearly as good as the competition. FOOLPROOF OPERATION: No provision for adjustment. ADVANCED DESIGN: The ad agency doesn't understand it. HERE AT LAST: Rush job; nobody knew it was coming. FIELD TESTED: Manufacturer lacks test equipment. HIGH ACCURACY: Unit on which all parts fit. FUTURISTIC: No good reason why it looks like it does. REDESIGNED: Previous flaws fixed; hopefully. BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a use for it. DIRECT SALES ONLY: Factory had fight with distributor. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: We finally got it to work. MAINTENANCE FREE: Impossible to fix. MEETS ALL STANDARDS: Ours, not yours. SOLID-STATE: Heavy as hell. HIGH RELIABILITY: We made it work long enough to ship it.

Eddie RUKidding - 5-10-2024 at 00:33

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots. But they only know to say one thing'
'What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

Eddie RUKidding - 6-10-2024 at 00:35


Eddie RUKidding - 7-10-2024 at 01:07


BBP - 7-10-2024 at 19:02

I accidentally took my cat's medicine last night. Don't ask meow.


Eddie RUKidding - 9-10-2024 at 00:10

Be even funnier if Captain Tom and Adrian Belew were involved :D

Eddie RUKidding - 11-10-2024 at 00:10

Surely this is a line from a Zappa song or two :D


Eddie RUKidding - 11-10-2024 at 00:18

Once more for the world (for today) :biggrin:


Eddie RUKidding - 11-10-2024 at 23:48


Plook - 15-10-2024 at 01:14

Classic Eddie, classic...:cool:

Eddie RUKidding - 15-10-2024 at 02:34

Thanks Plook

Eddie RUKidding - 15-10-2024 at 23:00


Eddie RUKidding - 16-10-2024 at 00:22


Plook - 17-10-2024 at 20:40

That one is going out for sure...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 17-10-2024 at 22:38


Eddie RUKidding - 17-10-2024 at 22:41

One more time for the world (again for today :biggrin: )

Eddie RUKidding - 19-10-2024 at 23:44



Eddie RUKidding - 20-10-2024 at 23:27

I want this T Shirt :D

BBP - 23-10-2024 at 18:09

My wife and I were stuck in traffic. Frustrated, I told her, "I'm turning round." She replied, "I know. You eat too many burgers!"


Eddie RUKidding - 23-10-2024 at 23:34


BBP - 24-10-2024 at 19:02

Definition of housework: What a wife does without anyone noticing it, until she doesn't do it.


Eddie RUKidding - 24-10-2024 at 22:38


Eddie RUKidding - 24-10-2024 at 22:58

One more time for the World (for today)

The bear may have been playing prepared piano by Cage Uncaged :D

Eddie RUKidding - 26-10-2024 at 05:34


Eddie RUKidding - 26-10-2024 at 22:45


Eddie RUKidding - 27-10-2024 at 22:58


Eddie RUKidding - 28-10-2024 at 22:28


Plook - 28-10-2024 at 23:49

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 31-10-2024 at 01:49


Eddie RUKidding - 1-11-2024 at 22:51


Eddie RUKidding - 3-11-2024 at 00:57

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow. :bald:

Eddie RUKidding - 3-11-2024 at 23:24

Well if it was good enough for Henry VIII :)

Eddie RUKidding - 5-11-2024 at 05:52


Eddie RUKidding - 5-11-2024 at 22:25




Plook - 6-11-2024 at 00:56

You have to be up on US craziness and memes to get this one and I wrote it myself...:shocked:


I went to the poling place this morning and handed them a coconut with my signature on it, which they accepted.


The 3 cars in front of me handed them Cheetos which were going to make a mess as usual with all that orange stuff, they apparently only had a concept of a plan for what to do.


The car behind me had a Bear carcass in the trunk and a whales head strapped to the roof...😹😹😹

Eddie RUKidding - 6-11-2024 at 02:02

^ :biggrin:

Have you voted Plook

Plook - 6-11-2024 at 04:19

I did...:guitar2:

Eddie RUKidding - 6-11-2024 at 05:40

Well done - lookz like the West Coast went All Blue- hope its enough thou :freak:

BBP - 6-11-2024 at 10:45

My condolances to our American friends...

Eddie RUKidding - 6-11-2024 at 22:41


Plook - 7-11-2024 at 00:27

The guy could sell ice to Iceland, people bought it hook line and sinker disaster...:(

Eddie RUKidding - 7-11-2024 at 00:57

Will Trump install a Maccas in the White House and make Foreign Leaders eat it :biggrin:

Eddie RUKidding - 7-11-2024 at 02:19


Eddie RUKidding - 7-11-2024 at 22:17

If Americans turn in on themselves if could be a good thing for the rest of the world and they will become irrelevant and disappear from the world stage while they implode and all their teeth fall out when the Fluoride is turned off and die off without vaccines in the next pandemic - then the Buffalo can take back over what was rightfully theirs ;D

Eddie RUKidding - 8-11-2024 at 22:09


BBP - 9-11-2024 at 17:02

But tits aere healthy for you!

Eddie RUKidding - 9-11-2024 at 21:26

^ Very True, but this does not look healthy or Safe :biggrin:


Eddie RUKidding - 10-11-2024 at 22:14


Eddie RUKidding - 10-11-2024 at 22:18

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico. :D

BBP - 11-11-2024 at 20:33

Today came the last mailing list CyberJoke 3000TM, Al Lowe's joke mailing list. Been a member for at least 15 years.

A man spent Saturday afternoon in his lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. His nosy female neighbor was outraged and shouted over at him, "You should be hung!" He sipped his beer and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she mows the lawn!"

Joe and John were twin brothers. John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a little old lady met Joe on the street and mistook him for John. "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe replied, "Oh, not really. The fact is: I'm glad to be rid of her. She was getting old and rotten. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always taking on water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, which got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when I loaned her to four young roughnecks who wanted her for a good time. I warned 'em that she weren't no good, but they decided to have a go with her anyways. You know that those damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time? It was just too much for the old girl and, while they were trying to get into their various positions, she split right up the middle!" The old woman fainted.

Eddie RUKidding - 11-11-2024 at 22:38

^ :D

Eddie RUKidding - 12-11-2024 at 22:38

But did it come back :mad:


https://youtu.be/cUuID6Rz1FU

Eddie RUKidding - 13-11-2024 at 22:05

Apparently I'm off Portuguese / Viking Extraction
My Opera singing sister had a DNA test done on out parents, they are staying here in Kingston and thought they let me know (they are 84 & 85).
No wonder I like Zappa's music. Maybe I'm a Smelt fisherman and I do like a Pancake Breakfast :D

Eddie RUKidding - 13-11-2024 at 23:36

and Don't forget to turn the gas off

Eddie RUKidding - 14-11-2024 at 23:54

One for Plook :cool:

Plook - 15-11-2024 at 21:28

🤦‍♂️ LOL

Eddie RUKidding - 15-11-2024 at 22:27


Eddie RUKidding - 16-11-2024 at 23:19


Eddie RUKidding - 17-11-2024 at 23:12


Eddie RUKidding - 19-11-2024 at 23:06


Eddie RUKidding - 21-11-2024 at 01:41


Plook - 22-11-2024 at 00:19


Eddie RUKidding - 22-11-2024 at 00:53

^ :biggrin:
Or is Roberts Planet full of Roger Waters

Eddie RUKidding - 22-11-2024 at 22:33


Eddie RUKidding - 24-11-2024 at 00:15

Latest pick for US Surgeon General :freak:

Eddie RUKidding - 24-11-2024 at 23:21


Eddie RUKidding - 24-11-2024 at 23:23


Eddie RUKidding - 25-11-2024 at 22:06

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…
He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s €250.
He says, “ €250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy! “She says, “Honey, follow me" and takes him outside.
“See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world”
So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great.
It’s a week before he’s horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says "it’s €500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that big house up on the hill? I bought that house with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.” So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing.
He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?” “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.” :D

Eddie RUKidding - 27-11-2024 at 00:12


BBP - 27-11-2024 at 20:54

https://www.omroepbrabant.nl/nieuws/4599615/scheetjesboek-leidt-tot-...

Little gem from the local news:

Suspicious package in the mail that has a suspicious sulphuric smell.

Police comes, the eplosives expert carefully opens the package...

which contains a children's book on farts.

Eddie RUKidding - 27-11-2024 at 22:59

^ :biggrin:
Remember: Ghostbusters taught us that crossing the streams is a bad idea.......


Eddie RUKidding - 29-11-2024 at 00:50

Why can’t you send a duck to space?

Because the bill would be astronomical.

Plook - 29-11-2024 at 14:40

^^^That is Dad Joke Territory...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 29-11-2024 at 21:42

This is not much better :biggrin:


Why did the atheist fail at algebraic exponentiation? He couldn't conceive of higher powers.

Eddie RUKidding - 30-11-2024 at 22:46


Eddie RUKidding - 1-12-2024 at 21:08


Eddie RUKidding - 2-12-2024 at 00:45


Eddie RUKidding - 2-12-2024 at 22:03

Trump has been hit by a cease and desist order from Gibson.
as the design infringes upon Gibson's exclusive trademarks,
$11,500 The Trump Guitars website lists an "American Eagle Series" inlaid with Trump's campaign slogan "Make America Great Again"


Eddie RUKidding - 3-12-2024 at 23:36

What’s the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus stop?
One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.

Plook - 4-12-2024 at 01:26

^^^LOL

Plook - 4-12-2024 at 01:28

I read this and laughed it is very Americanized but I am sure you all can figure it out.


I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however....to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my margarita out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Have a safe & sane Christmas Season!!

Eddie RUKidding - 4-12-2024 at 07:12

^ LOL that's A beauty and good timing :bald:


Eddie RUKidding - 4-12-2024 at 21:30


Eddie RUKidding - 5-12-2024 at 21:54


Calvin - 6-12-2024 at 02:24

Never get into a pillow fight with Death. You can't handle the reaper cushions!

Eddie RUKidding - 6-12-2024 at 04:20

^ :D


Eddie RUKidding - 6-12-2024 at 21:48

https://youtu.be/NBGOryiqZZI

Eddie RUKidding - 6-12-2024 at 21:50


Eddie RUKidding - 7-12-2024 at 22:59


Eddie RUKidding - 8-12-2024 at 23:28


Eddie RUKidding - 9-12-2024 at 21:54

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance. :D

Eddie RUKidding - 10-12-2024 at 21:54


Eddie RUKidding - 12-12-2024 at 00:33

Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name was Moon. Buzz said he was always fated to be the second man on the moon. Who was the first?
His father. :D

Eddie RUKidding - 12-12-2024 at 21:48


Eddie RUKidding - 13-12-2024 at 22:04

I told my wife I like Eminem and she told me she prefers Skittles.

I told her I meant the rapper.

She asked me why I would eat the wrapper.

BBP - 13-12-2024 at 22:46

I heard this Jim Jones joke the other day. I'd repeat it here but the punch line was too long.

Eddie RUKidding - 13-12-2024 at 23:54

:devil:

Eddie RUKidding - 14-12-2024 at 21:30

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers. :shy:

Eddie RUKidding - 14-12-2024 at 22:11


Eddie RUKidding - 16-12-2024 at 00:01

A Polish bloke goes to the opticians.

The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters: C Z Y N Q S T A S Z.

The optician asks, "Can you read this?"

"Read it?" the bloke replies, "I know him."

Eddie RUKidding - 17-12-2024 at 01:04

Uncle Meats Xmas :biggrin:

BBP - 17-12-2024 at 17:38

Actually that looks really tasty!

Eddie RUKidding - 17-12-2024 at 20:38

Yeah, looks like a tasty treat :biggrin:


Plook - 17-12-2024 at 21:37

Quote: Originally posted by BBP  
Actually that looks really tasty!




Eddie RUKidding - 18-12-2024 at 21:31

A mosquito cried out in pain
A chemist has poisoned my brain!
The cause of his sorrow was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane

Eddie RUKidding - 19-12-2024 at 21:25

More xmas cheer

Eddie RUKidding - 20-12-2024 at 21:35

We all know where The Big Apple is.

But no one knows where Mineapolis. :bouncing:

Eddie RUKidding - 21-12-2024 at 21:33


polydigm - 22-12-2024 at 20:17

That’s actually not that funny. That’s what happened to my paternal grandfather. His parents were already struggling when he came along so they handed him over to the Gordon Boys Home. Much bitterness ensued down the track.

Eddie RUKidding - 22-12-2024 at 21:06

Same thing happened to Mrs Eddie in the UK, she grew up in a children's home (mother had mental illness) but you have to move on at some point...........




BBP - 23-12-2024 at 21:38

I can shake hands with Mrs Eddy, my mother's a mental patient too... Wasn't fun but thanks to BF I'm managing to move on.

Eddie RUKidding - 23-12-2024 at 22:27


Eddie RUKidding - 24-12-2024 at 19:42

Merry Xmas

Eddie RUKidding - 25-12-2024 at 20:51


Plook - 25-12-2024 at 23:24


Eddie RUKidding - 26-12-2024 at 21:34


Eddie RUKidding - 27-12-2024 at 21:42

A friend of mine had a problem with his internet and said to me "my twitter feed is not working"

I said, " I'm sorry , I don't follow you"...........

Eddie RUKidding - 28-12-2024 at 22:24

Her: Have you done the dishes yet?
Me: I'm doing it now.


Eddie RUKidding - 28-12-2024 at 22:27


Eddie RUKidding - 29-12-2024 at 21:32


Eddie RUKidding - 30-12-2024 at 20:53


Eddie RUKidding - 31-12-2024 at 21:48

Happy New Year :D

Attached is my ticket to last night event :guitar:

But first I played a few LP loudly :D

Attachment: 471591937_2597594293759306_6313957813452562051_n.jpg (44kB)
This file has been downloaded 12 times

Eddie RUKidding - 1-1-2025 at 21:03


Eddie RUKidding - 1-1-2025 at 21:04


Eddie RUKidding - 1-1-2025 at 21:29

Fuck I did not make this up :biggrin:

Elon Musk changes his name to Kekius Maximus on X
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cy53vz1qpx1o

He meant to type "Kuntus Maximus" but missed damn autocorrect ;D
Biggus Dickus would have been better

https://youtu.be/kx_G2a2hL6U

Eddie RUKidding - 2-1-2025 at 20:34


Eddie RUKidding - 3-1-2025 at 21:10


Eddie RUKidding - 4-1-2025 at 21:24


Eddie RUKidding - 5-1-2025 at 21:29


Eddie RUKidding - 6-1-2025 at 21:58


Eddie RUKidding - 6-1-2025 at 22:22

I accidentally took a ten-minute video of my shoes yesterday.

It was a mistake but I got some pretty good footage.

Eddie RUKidding - 7-1-2025 at 22:24


Plook - 8-1-2025 at 01:38

LOL...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 8-1-2025 at 22:11

What happens if you cross an angry sheep with an angry cow?

You get an animal that's in a baaaad mooood!

Eddie RUKidding - 9-1-2025 at 21:01

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? S’warm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where theSchwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing uptheir own incision? Suture self.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Eddie RUKidding - 9-1-2025 at 21:04


Eddie RUKidding - 9-1-2025 at 21:06


Eddie RUKidding - 10-1-2025 at 19:58

A guy goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, 'You're a good bit overweight. You need to go on a diet.'

The guy says 'What do you suggest?'

The doc says' Try the banana diet!'

'What's that?'

'Well, it's like this. You have a banana on the Monday, skip Tuesday, have a banana on Wednesday, skip Thursday, have a banana on Friday and so on for a month!'

The guy says, 'OK, I'll try it.'

So he goes away.

At the end of the month the doctor phones him to find out how he got on.

The guy's wife answers.

'How did your husband get on with the diet?'

'He's dead,' she replies.

'Dead!?!' says the doc, 'How did he die?'

'Heart attack,' says the wife.

The doctor says, 'That's terrible. Was it the bananas?'

'No!' says the wife, 'It was all that skipping.'

PS the Commander in Orange is now Officially a convicted Felon ;)

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Eddie RUKidding - 11-1-2025 at 19:42


Eddie RUKidding - 12-1-2025 at 20:39

Mar-A-Igloo

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Eddie RUKidding - 12-1-2025 at 21:20



I'm sure this is a Zappa song :mad:

Eddie RUKidding - 13-1-2025 at 18:57


Eddie RUKidding - 13-1-2025 at 18:58


Eddie RUKidding - 14-1-2025 at 19:16


Eddie RUKidding - 14-1-2025 at 20:03

Effective 20th Jan, Air Force One will be renamed Con Air.

Eddie RUKidding - 15-1-2025 at 22:45


Eddie RUKidding - 15-1-2025 at 22:49


Eddie RUKidding - 16-1-2025 at 19:25


Eddie RUKidding - 17-1-2025 at 20:29


Eddie RUKidding - 18-1-2025 at 21:10


Eddie RUKidding - 18-1-2025 at 21:11


Eddie RUKidding - 19-1-2025 at 21:27


ursinator2.0 - 20-1-2025 at 12:15

A day to cherish the American dream with a little help by french lady Domi:
DOMi reharmonizing the national anthem (Ingrid Andress - Home Run Derby 2024)

Eddie RUKidding - 20-1-2025 at 19:31

^Needs more rockets ;)
microtonal jazz singing :D Maybe this is something Zappa could have taken up :devil:

Eddie RUKidding - 20-1-2025 at 19:57

The Eddie version of Rockets lol
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/LdLbA3_Za2c?feature=share

Eddie RUKidding - 21-1-2025 at 03:15

What's next no threesomes with Lesbians...... :devil:
https://youtu.be/vFolgmnshlI

Eddie RUKidding - 22-1-2025 at 00:15

Trumps Stargate................. ;D 😃 ;D 😃
To infinity and Beyond says Kaptan Trump 😃
As a non American who find American politics funny (at times very scary) I’ve been thinking about this for past days. What do you think would be going on in the Cheyenne mountain right now? What would the team be saying?
https://youtu.be/1oFH-faw4SY

Eddie RUKidding - 22-1-2025 at 20:23


Eddie RUKidding - 22-1-2025 at 21:51

https://www.instagram.com/p/DFHRGnpOakE/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm...

BBP - 23-1-2025 at 20:08

Client of ours booked a stay in Dubai in June, and now wants to rebook elsewhere because he realises Dubai is going to be hot then. Thing is, he got an expensive hotel and an expensive airline, so that joke is gonna cost him 10K.

Eddie RUKidding - 23-1-2025 at 20:49

What an idiot- its like my Oven problem in Kingston.............
Its so bad its funny..........

Freekin got a new kitchen in Kingston -which is ok but first the porcelain bench top (exbloodypesncive) that Mrs Eddie wanted, has cracked twice in the same joint spot (they are coming back at end of Jan to fix - again....) but just before xmas the new oven developed a problem- that's now the third oven is 3 different houses, we have had a problem with.
At FuCoonhuna we had a Belling - which sheate itself twice until the supplier said very sorry and replaced to with a SMEG unit.........AGGGGGGGG, before that we had a new oven (Westinghouse) develop a problem in the Sunbury house....................

Now the new EURO oven - just before xmas, developed a door hinge problem (only 4 months old) and wont close the oven door...............
we are still waiting for the hinge part to turn up so the local electrician can fix under warranty. ... Now Mrs Eddie had been dealing with this one until yesterday when I could see she had had enough - so I took over- three phones call later I found out the Adelaide based warehouse had sent the part to the wrong Kingston (Kingston on Murray) and not SE ....... AHHHHHHHH
I let them know the oven company and the company we got the oven from (the Kitchen cabinet company) - I said I will get nasty in no uncertain terms (and I can get nasty), if they don't pull their finger out. Was nicer to the guy at the parts warehouse that sent the part to the wrong place, as he sounded like he only has half a brain.....
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
PS will be ringing them again today as no confirmation that the part has been posted..............

BBP - 26-1-2025 at 17:05

Pff terrible, oven issues. When you realize there's a problem the oven is too hot to fix straight away and when it's cooled down it's too greasy to touch.

Ours has been a pain for years when the inside window came loose and stared leaking, so that if we'd use it, invariably there'd be mysterious brown grease leaking out of it. We fixed that in the end, but the lightbulb is now broken and has been replaced three times, only for the replacement bulb to break on first use.

Not to mention the temperature indication on the wheel is a nightmare.

Aaanyway...

Dad bought a new electric bicycle after the old one broke down, but had overlooked that it would arrive on the day he would have to go to the hospital, so I first had to ask one of my neighbors if they could receive it for us. Dad's trip to hospital, because his bike had broken was to be by bus, and I watned him to get a back-up plan like a cab or a stroller, but of course he just plain walked to the bus stop, only to come back ten minutes later to say "I can't make it" and force me to search all over for cab phone numbers before he got away.

He arrived at the hospital in time via cab, went back by bus, and got his bicycle from the neighbors who were kind enough to put it in the hallway for him. Yesterday we put his bicycle together (addd the handlebars and the front wheel and stuff), I'm still waiting for his test run.

Eddie RUKidding - 26-1-2025 at 21:15

Glad the bicycle worked out and hope your dad is doing better

The part of the oven is now being couriered and meant to get it Tues or Weds nest week ;)

BBP - 28-1-2025 at 12:44

You shouldn't laugh at this I guess, but currently there's a trial against Fouad L., who was angry he couldn't finish his medical study because he had been convicted of having tortured his rabbit. So he killed his neigbhbor, his neighbor's daughter and then killed one of his teachers.

His defense? He claims to have prevented mass murder as he didn't drive his car through the hospital.

Eddie RUKidding - 28-1-2025 at 18:59

Not good, there are some scary people out there and some of them are world leaders too. :wow:


One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.

I think it’s the Chopin board.

Eddie RUKidding - 28-1-2025 at 19:03


Eddie RUKidding - 28-1-2025 at 22:30


Eddie RUKidding - 29-1-2025 at 18:59

What America needs to clean up the mess

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaoMZhtlIFg

In the meantime here is my new ditty to sing along to, while Dump is in power.....

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/LdLbA3_Za2c?feature=share

Eddie RUKidding - 29-1-2025 at 21:19


Eddie RUKidding - 30-1-2025 at 19:16


BBP - 30-1-2025 at 19:45

Yeah I got tons of that kind of shenanigans at work. Worst offender was the man who asked if we dealt with God because our planes go so high,

Drunk? High? Prank? Still don't know.

Eddie RUKidding - 30-1-2025 at 20:12

You could have said Ok- if you have any questions I can pass them on.....

Eddie RUKidding - 31-1-2025 at 19:18

https://www.maverick-hifi.com/post/obituaries-12810979?trail=260

Bazzer
wrote:
Marianne Faithfull 78 RIP
Eddie wrote:
I though she was older than that - Mick was/ is a cradle snatcher 😉
petrichor wrote:
That's what too much sex, drugs and rock & roll does to you.
Pete the Feet
wrote:
And chocolate.
A Mars a day didn't keep the grim reaper away.

Eddie RUKidding - 1-2-2025 at 18:25

I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist,.

Then they played "Macerena" so I did the Macerena.

Then they played "Come On Eileen".

I was told to leave.

BBP - 1-2-2025 at 20:54

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle?


Attire.

Eddie RUKidding - 1-2-2025 at 22:26

Feminist: "My body is a temple."

Mel: "Oh, it's only open on Sundays then

Eddie RUKidding - 3-2-2025 at 19:53

Its as believable as anything Dump says 😉

https://youtu.be/NlnfiteAn6c

Eddie RUKidding - 4-2-2025 at 19:15


Eddie RUKidding - 5-2-2025 at 03:11

Anyone for a round of Golf at the New Trump Gaza golf course.......

I hear it has a good many holes and nice sand traps.

Eddie RUKidding - 5-2-2025 at 19:27


Eddie RUKidding - 5-2-2025 at 19:28

lol

https://twitter.com/i/status/1886824235990970386

Eddie RUKidding - 5-2-2025 at 19:31


BBP - 5-2-2025 at 20:51

hahahahahaha!

In real life funnies here, a seal managed to bob his way into a couple's hotel room in Vlissingen.
https://www.omroepzeeland.nl/nieuws/17207072/bekijk-hier-hoe-zeehond...

Eddie RUKidding - 6-2-2025 at 18:05

I wonder if Trump still does coke. Musk is obviously still on Ketamine. Just say neigh Elon. :swear:

Eddie RUKidding - 7-2-2025 at 20:19


Eddie RUKidding - 7-2-2025 at 20:45


Eddie RUKidding - 8-2-2025 at 21:03

My Trump Theme tune of "WTF Rockets Trump Theme"
The Dystopian The Orange one new world order tune is sounding sweeter than ever unfortunately ................

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/LdLbA3_Za2c?feature=share

Eddie RUKidding - 9-2-2025 at 20:40


Eddie RUKidding - 9-2-2025 at 21:12

Life is a Highway and I'm going to ride it..............:biggrin:

Eddie RUKidding - 10-2-2025 at 04:58

the Suppper Booowl
Its just Robo Cops playing on Shag pile Carpet

here is the real stuff :devil:
https://youtu.be/EyOXY8BTWjg

Eddie RUKidding - 10-2-2025 at 17:37


Eddie RUKidding - 10-2-2025 at 22:09

Song of the Day - makes me laugh every time RIP Shirl the singer on this
PS have just come back from Walking the Dog lol
https://youtu.be/uKqEBO3Wbl0

Eddie RUKidding - 11-2-2025 at 18:03


Eddie RUKidding - 11-2-2025 at 18:05

This was me when I got my most recent 7th (Taylor) guitar lol

Eddie RUKidding - 12-2-2025 at 20:29


Plook - 13-2-2025 at 03:01

:lol:



Eddie RUKidding - 13-2-2025 at 03:06

LOL to true and virtual wipe your arse paper

Eddie RUKidding - 13-2-2025 at 13:35

from the old days on Zappa.com

[img]https://lesbasfonds.createaforum.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=38.0;attach=62;image[/img]

damn it did work

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Eddie RUKidding - 13-2-2025 at 20:03

off on Hols for 2 weeks in the caravan - mayybe my cr@p song will be a hit when I get back lol

here is my Hol music pick off the day

https://youtu.be/X8CPXuqeiI0

Plook - 14-2-2025 at 19:38

Valentines Love to all...;)