make 'em laugh

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vivien_o_blivion - 17-3-2006 at 23:17

well as the old one vanished-here's a new joke's section lets be having you!!!!

the muffin man gag!

be warned there's more to come-lol

[Edited on 17-3-06 by vivien_o_blivion]

scallopino - 18-3-2006 at 06:36

:roll:

Can't wait.

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:40

Johnny asks grandpa: Do you still have sex with granny?
Grandpa says: Yes, but only oral.
Johnny asks: What is oral?
Grandpa says: I say "fuck you", she says" fuck you too"

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:43

" You're Stuck?"
" No, I'm delivering a bridge here"

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:45

Why beer is better than women

Beer is always wet

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:48

H5N1 The new threat

[Edited on 18-3-06 by BBP]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:50

(Copy it to a white background if you use the standard black)

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:53

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:54

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:56

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:57

DED - 18-3-2006 at 22:00

Intensifying measures of precaution H5N1

DED - 18-3-2006 at 22:04

"insert new password"
" Penis, (hihi)"
" Sorry,Your password is not long enough"

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 22:06

vivien_o_blivion - 18-3-2006 at 23:18

scallopino - 19-3-2006 at 02:47

Quote:

Originally posted by DED

aquagoat - 19-3-2006 at 09:41

Quote:

Originally posted by DED

" You're Stuck?"
" No, I'm delivering a bridge here"

Pappawas1975 - 19-3-2006 at 17:01

Anybody else think that "Joke Threads" should be banned?

BBP - 19-3-2006 at 18:56

Is that a joke Goj?

DED - 19-3-2006 at 20:26

If not, what is wrong ?

DED - 20-3-2006 at 13:05

I can imagine that a topic like this gives questionmarks.
It is really very siple to google some jokes and post them here.
On the other hand it is a perfect opportunity to echange the differences in "cultures of humor". What is mentioned to be extremely funny in NL can be regarded as offensive or otherwise in other countries. Take for example all the quarrel about the Danish Cartoons. When we publish here typical Dutch jokes with a translation of English or French Jokes (with an english translation) I think we can learn a lot about each other with the help of humor. And that's no joke and therefore very :offtopic:

[Edited on 20-3-2006 by DED]

Pappawas1975 - 20-3-2006 at 13:21

eerrmmm....ahem!....none of them are really funny?

DED - 20-3-2006 at 14:25

Quote:

Originally posted by Gojira1975
eerrmmm....ahem!....none of them are really funny?

Does eerrmmm means that you have eaten lemons for breakfast. Please reply with something that is funny in your eyes, even when we cry our hearts out. :crying:

BBP - 20-3-2006 at 21:36

Talking abouttypically Dutch: Fokke and Sukke. Once I bought a book with gags translated to English, unfortunately I misplaced it. But I do have one of the gags scanned in and on my site, hope you can read it:

[Edited on 20-3-06 by BBP]

vivien_o_blivion - 20-3-2006 at 22:02

Quote:

Originally posted by Gojira1975
eerrmmm....ahem!....none of them are really funny?

I DO NOT BELIEVE IT!-lol

post us some jokes that make you laugh then dawg!!!!

vivien_o_blivion - 27-3-2006 at 23:28

BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:38

:lol:

BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:45

"Hello, I'm Toni the mouse. Will you let me see what's in your mouth?"

BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:46

www.hiccup.com

BOO!

BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:46

scallopino - 28-3-2006 at 09:06

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

vivien_o_blivion - 28-3-2006 at 20:59

Quote:

Originally posted by scallopino
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

BBP - 28-3-2006 at 23:18

"I suppose you've come for a face-lift?"

vivien_o_blivion - 30-3-2006 at 22:38

scallopino - 31-3-2006 at 04:49

And then you choke on the pill. . .

aquagoat - 31-3-2006 at 07:40

Quote:

Originally posted by vivien_o_blivion

yoko - 31-3-2006 at 17:18

A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they're having trouble making love. 'Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?' asks the guy.

The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says 'OK'

He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says 'well things look pretty good to me, you don't seem to have any problems'. To which the couple respond with 'things don't feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance'. The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says 'look I really don't see any problem here, in fact I wish my love making was as good, why do you keep coming back?'

The young man says 'well to tell you the truth, I'm a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don't make much money. she's married to this other guy who works from home so we can't go there. I can't afford to take her to a motel. this place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare.

scallopino - 1-4-2006 at 12:00

Quote:

Originally posted by aquabot

Quote:

Originally posted by vivien_o_blivion

The way to beat him would be to send it wide of him along the ground.

Unless he falls flat on his stomach or back there will be a big triangular gap when the arm of the cross hits the ground.

BBP - 3-4-2006 at 18:54

The ultimate Microsoft keyboard.

aquagoat - 3-4-2006 at 18:57

Quote:

Originally posted by BBP

The ultimate Microsoft keyboard.

One that works correctly.

BBP - 3-4-2006 at 19:00

BBP - 3-4-2006 at 19:31

BBP - 4-4-2006 at 22:16

BBP - 4-4-2006 at 22:21

BBP - 4-4-2006 at 22:31

scallopino - 5-4-2006 at 09:33

Hahahah! hilarious.

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:30

Why Men Die Younger

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:31

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:36

This one's priceless...

yoko - 5-4-2006 at 16:44

Quote:

Originally posted by BBP
This one's priceless...

yeah...not even a couple of trillion dollars in war expenses

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:44

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:46

aquagoat - 5-4-2006 at 18:33

Quote:

Originally posted by BBP

Hahahaha.

vivien_o_blivion - 5-4-2006 at 22:06

Quote:

Originally posted by BBP
This one's priceless...

wasn't this the exact moment that gorgey boy was told about 7/11--???
and then the goon still sat there listening to childrens books??

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 23:07

No that was "My pet goat". This one's called "America".

What a job eh! Reading children's books all day!

aquagoat - 6-4-2006 at 08:04

Quote:

Originally posted by BBP
No that was "My pet goat". This one's called "America".

What a job eh! Reading children's books all day!

You have no idea the efforts he must make to reach this girl's intellectual capacities, so we should congratulate him for succeeding in reading that book, especially since it's upside down. A great leader of men indeed.

aquagoat - 8-4-2006 at 08:19

vivien_o_blivion - 14-5-2006 at 21:31

DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:19

DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:20

DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:21

DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:22

vivien_o_blivion - 12-8-2006 at 13:30

BBP - 12-8-2006 at 14:41

World's Second Worst Joke:

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture can be hung with just 1 nail.

DED - 31-12-2006 at 19:04

Time for some bad saddam jokes now

BBP - 4-2-2007 at 22:45

scallopino - 13-2-2007 at 05:22

HAHAHA! I love cartoons.

BBP - 19-2-2007 at 18:41

aquagoat - 19-2-2007 at 19:28

punknaynowned - 20-2-2007 at 16:08

ha!
somebody forgot,
21. You don't get a hangover from Vagina. Point: Vagina
and
16. should read, There are far more kinds of vagina than beer. Point: Vagina
[so beer loses a point and vagina gains it!: 10-10]

now for the tie breaker . . .
22. I don't drink beer, therefore, by rights more vagina for me! Pont: Vagina.

and by that scoring, Vagina wins by a hair!

BBP - 20-2-2007 at 21:15

Beer doesn't get you babies. beer doesn't spend piles of money on preventing the coming of them. Beer doesn't want you to be sterilised.

Also, if the wife comes over, the beer will have no problems hiding in the fridge.

DED - 11-4-2007 at 16:29

BBP - 12-4-2007 at 16:33

A man walks into a sex shop and asks for a black condom.

-Well Sir, we have blue condoms, pink condoms, yellow condoms, purple condoms, gold condoms, silver condoms, red condoms, orange condoms, lubricated consoms, rough-cut condoms, smooth condoms, libbed condoms, peppermint flavoured condoms, spearmint flavoured condoms, strawberry flavoured condoms, chocolate flavoured condoms, striped condoms, polka dot condoms, party condoms, French tickler condoms...

But we don't have any black ones in stock. I could order them but it will take some time.

-Oh. I need one today. The husband of my mistress has just died and I want to pay her my condoleances.

DED - 19-8-2007 at 10:53

Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.

BBP - 20-8-2007 at 19:37

DED - 27-8-2007 at 19:05

you re punished for deeplinking :biggrin:

BBP - 29-8-2007 at 13:52

A man walks into a bar and spots someone who is slamming tequilas. He watches him for a while, sees him walk out, go to a nearby church tower, climb to the top, jump off and walk back to the cafe.
"How did you do that?"
"Well, whenever I drink tequila, it's like time runs much slower."
The man decides to try it for himself. He has several tequilas, climbs up the church tower, and falls to his death.

Barman: "You're such a dick when you're drunk, Superman."

BBP - 13-3-2009 at 11:56

What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the Germans are the bureaucrats, the English are the cops, and the French are the cooks.

In Hell, the French are the bureaucrats, the Germans are the cops, and the English are the cooks.

(If you're offended by this, I heard it from a Brit.)

scallopino - 14-3-2009 at 08:46

:-D

This is a commercial that could easily be a joke:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RbG1jHewWw

BBP - 14-3-2009 at 12:34

It is, and I had heard it before.

Two men are walking in a field.

"You see that tree over there? That's where I lost my virginity."

"Really? Tell me more!"

"Oh, it was embarrassing! Her mother caught us!

"Ouch! And, what did she say?"

"Baaaaah..."

scallopino - 15-3-2009 at 14:21

Haha. Sounds like the traditional "sex with sheep" gags Australians often say about New Zealanders.

BBP - 15-3-2009 at 15:25

Ah. I don't think the Dutch have a proper ethnic group for such a joke, and I was surprised to hear it with Scots.

You know the difference between a Scot and a Dutchman?

When a Scot goes on holiday, on his map he underlines all the places where he can eat cheap.
Whereas a Dutchman would strike through every place where he would have to pay for a meal.

BBP - 16-3-2009 at 13:55

punknaynowned - 17-3-2009 at 18:17

wow!
that's a tall order.
Never heard things put that simply...

Huck_Phlem - 28-4-2009 at 07:52

OK now back to sexy sheepwear.
:bouncy:

BBP - 28-4-2009 at 09:56

Huck_Phlem - 3-5-2009 at 22:02

OK now thats funny!

BBP - 4-5-2009 at 10:14

Ta! I'd think of something else to make you laugh but right now the inspiration well is dry.

punknaynowned - 4-5-2009 at 16:09

"Is that a real belt buckle or is that nudey belt buckle?"
Cosmik Debris FZ 1979 03 19 Brest, FR instead of the normal line about the sears poncho...

what's a nudey belt buckle?
I guess he could be saying a RUBY belt buckle. But that doesn't make much sense either...

BBP - 5-5-2009 at 18:56

The best way to get a man to do something is to tell him he's too old to do it!

scallopino - 9-5-2009 at 15:00

Hahaha. :biggrin:

BBP - 13-5-2009 at 08:32

How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? They spray paint an "X" on the back of any sheep that kicks!

scallopino - 17-5-2009 at 14:50

Very good.

BBP - 22-9-2009 at 14:47

http://www.dailycognition.com/index.php/2007/05/06/idiotic-a...

I wish I had the guts to try that when I was in school...

aquagoat - 22-9-2009 at 20:39

hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

very funny.

BBP - 7-10-2009 at 07:41

Why did the first monkey fall out of a tree?

Because it was dead.

---

Why did the second monkey fall out of a tree?

Because it was stapled to the first.

---

Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?

Peer pressure.
---

BBP - 16-11-2009 at 10:51

A teacher was having trouble with one of her students in her First Grade class.

The teacher asked, "Tim, why are you so unhappy?"

Tim answered, "I'm too smart for First Grade. My sister is in Third Grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Fourth Grade!"

The teacher had heard enough. She took Tim down to the principal's office. While Tim waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he would remain in First Grade and behave. She agreed.

Tim was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Tim: "Nine."

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Tim: "36.'"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th Grader should know. The principal looked the Teacher and told her, "I think Tim can go to the Fourth grade."

The teacher replied to the principal, "I have some of my own questions for Tim. May I ask him?"

Both the principal and Tim agreed.

The teacher asked Tim: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

After thinking for a moment, Tim replied: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have, but I do not have?"

Tim: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Tim: "A coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?"

Tim: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Tim: "Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

Tim: "A wedding ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good."

Tim: "Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

Tim: "Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in a 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?"

Tim: "Fire truck."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in a 'K' that if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?"

Tim: "Fork."

Teacher: "What do all men have which is longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"

Tim: "Surname."

Teacher: "What part of the man has muscle but no bone, has lots of veins, pumps, and is responsible for making love?"

Tim: "Heart."

After hearing the shocking exchange between Tim and his teacher, he said: "Send Tim to college. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

And... how many did YOU answer correctly?

Huck_Phlem - 17-11-2009 at 18:26

Patty Black is at work at the bank. She is a loan officer.

Suddenly a frog plops onto her desk and proclaims "I need a loan"!
"Ok but do you have any collateral?" She says.

The frog produces these little gold statues. So, Patty goes to the bank President and says.. "This frog came to my desk and wants a loan."

"Does he have any collateral?" Says the bank President. "Well, yes he has these little gold statues."

"Oh those are nick nacks Patty Black. Give the Frog a Loan!"

BBP - 11-3-2010 at 21:05

The Irishman hobbled into a doctor's office. "I think I broke my foot." "What happened?" "Well, it all started twenty years ago." "Twenty years?" the startled doctor exclaimed. "Yep. I had just started as an apprentice to Sean O'Toole and I was sleeping in his hayloft. The first night, his young daughter climbed up into the hayloft and asked me if there was anything she could do for me. I said, 'No, I'm comfortable.' and she left." "So?" asked the doctor. "Then, the next night, she climbed up there again, but this time wearing only a nightgown. 'Now is there anything I can do for you?' she asked me and again I told her, 'Nope. I'm good.' " "I don't understand," said the doctor. "Then, on the third night, she climbed up there stark naked and asked me the same thing. And again, I said I was fine, and she left." "I'm confused," said the doctor. "What does this have to do with your broken foot?" "I'm getting' there, doc. This afternoon, when I finally realized what she meant, I got so mad I kicked a brick wall!"

BBP - 1-3-2011 at 17:33

Guitar Hero I:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2721

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