PackardGoose.com Forums - make 'em laugh

make 'em laugh

vivien_o_blivion - 17-3-2006 at 23:17

well as the old one vanished-here's a new joke's section lets be having you!!!!

the muffin man gag!

be warned there's more to come-lol

[Edited on 17-3-06 by vivien_o_blivion]

scallopino - 18-3-2006 at 06:36

:roll:

Can't wait.

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:40

Johnny asks grandpa: Do you still have sex with granny?
Grandpa says: Yes, but only oral.
Johnny asks: What is oral?
Grandpa says: I say "fuck you", she says" fuck you too"

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:43

" You're Stuck?"
" No, I'm delivering a bridge here"

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:45

Why beer is better than women

Beer is always wet

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:48

H5N1 The new threat

[Edited on 18-3-06 by BBP]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:50

(Copy it to a white background if you use the standard black)

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:53

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:54

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:56

DED - 18-3-2006 at 21:57

DED - 18-3-2006 at 22:00

Intensifying measures of precaution H5N1

DED - 18-3-2006 at 22:04

"insert new password"
" Penis, (hihi)"
" Sorry,Your password is not long enough"

[Edited on 18-3-2006 by DED]

DED - 18-3-2006 at 22:06

vivien_o_blivion - 18-3-2006 at 23:18

scallopino - 19-3-2006 at 02:47

Quote:

Originally posted by DED

aquagoat - 19-3-2006 at 09:41

Quote:

Originally posted by DED

" You're Stuck?"
" No, I'm delivering a bridge here"

Pappawas1975 - 19-3-2006 at 17:01

Anybody else think that "Joke Threads" should be banned?

BBP - 19-3-2006 at 18:56

Is that a joke Goj?

DED - 19-3-2006 at 20:26

If not, what is wrong ?

DED - 20-3-2006 at 13:05

I can imagine that a topic like this gives questionmarks.
It is really very siple to google some jokes and post them here.
On the other hand it is a perfect opportunity to echange the differences in "cultures of humor". What is mentioned to be extremely funny in NL can be regarded as offensive or otherwise in other countries. Take for example all the quarrel about the Danish Cartoons. When we publish here typical Dutch jokes with a translation of English or French Jokes (with an english translation) I think we can learn a lot about each other with the help of humor. And that's no joke and therefore very :offtopic:

[Edited on 20-3-2006 by DED]

Pappawas1975 - 20-3-2006 at 13:21

eerrmmm....ahem!....none of them are really funny?

DED - 20-3-2006 at 14:25

Quote:

Originally posted by Gojira1975
eerrmmm....ahem!....none of them are really funny?

Does eerrmmm means that you have eaten lemons for breakfast. Please reply with something that is funny in your eyes, even when we cry our hearts out. :crying:

BBP - 20-3-2006 at 21:36

Talking abouttypically Dutch: Fokke and Sukke. Once I bought a book with gags translated to English, unfortunately I misplaced it. But I do have one of the gags scanned in and on my site, hope you can read it:

[Edited on 20-3-06 by BBP]

vivien_o_blivion - 20-3-2006 at 22:02

Quote:

Originally posted by Gojira1975
eerrmmm....ahem!....none of them are really funny?

I DO NOT BELIEVE IT!-lol

post us some jokes that make you laugh then dawg!!!!

vivien_o_blivion - 27-3-2006 at 23:28

BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:38

:lol:

BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:45

"Hello, I'm Toni the mouse. Will you let me see what's in your mouth?"

BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:46

http://www.hiccup.com

BOO!

BBP - 27-3-2006 at 23:46

scallopino - 28-3-2006 at 09:06

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

vivien_o_blivion - 28-3-2006 at 20:59

Quote:

Originally posted by scallopino
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

BBP - 28-3-2006 at 23:18

"I suppose you've come for a face-lift?"

vivien_o_blivion - 30-3-2006 at 22:38

scallopino - 31-3-2006 at 04:49

And then you choke on the pill. . .

aquagoat - 31-3-2006 at 07:40

Quote:

Originally posted by vivien_o_blivion

yoko - 31-3-2006 at 17:18

A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they're having trouble making love. 'Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?' asks the guy.

The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says 'OK'

He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says 'well things look pretty good to me, you don't seem to have any problems'. To which the couple respond with 'things don't feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance'. The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says 'look I really don't see any problem here, in fact I wish my love making was as good, why do you keep coming back?'

The young man says 'well to tell you the truth, I'm a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don't make much money. she's married to this other guy who works from home so we can't go there. I can't afford to take her to a motel. this place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare.

scallopino - 1-4-2006 at 12:00

Quote:

Originally posted by aquabot

Quote:

Originally posted by vivien_o_blivion

The way to beat him would be to send it wide of him along the ground.

Unless he falls flat on his stomach or back there will be a big triangular gap when the arm of the cross hits the ground.

BBP - 3-4-2006 at 18:54

The ultimate Microsoft keyboard.

aquagoat - 3-4-2006 at 18:57

Quote:

Originally posted by BBP

The ultimate Microsoft keyboard.

One that works correctly.

BBP - 3-4-2006 at 19:00

BBP - 3-4-2006 at 19:31

BBP - 4-4-2006 at 22:16

BBP - 4-4-2006 at 22:21

BBP - 4-4-2006 at 22:31

scallopino - 5-4-2006 at 09:33

Hahahah! hilarious.

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:30

Why Men Die Younger

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:31

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:36

This one's priceless...

yoko - 5-4-2006 at 16:44

Quote:

Originally posted by BBP
This one's priceless...

yeah...not even a couple of trillion dollars in war expenses

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:44

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 16:46

aquagoat - 5-4-2006 at 18:33

Quote:

Originally posted by BBP

Hahahaha.

vivien_o_blivion - 5-4-2006 at 22:06

Quote:

Originally posted by BBP
This one's priceless...

wasn't this the exact moment that gorgey boy was told about 7/11--???
and then the goon still sat there listening to childrens books??

BBP - 5-4-2006 at 23:07

No that was "My pet goat". This one's called "America".

What a job eh! Reading children's books all day!

aquagoat - 6-4-2006 at 08:04

Quote:

Originally posted by BBP
No that was "My pet goat". This one's called "America".

What a job eh! Reading children's books all day!

You have no idea the efforts he must make to reach this girl's intellectual capacities, so we should congratulate him for succeeding in reading that book, especially since it's upside down. A great leader of men indeed.

aquagoat - 8-4-2006 at 08:19

vivien_o_blivion - 14-5-2006 at 21:31

DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:19

DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:20

DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:21

DED - 28-6-2006 at 11:22

vivien_o_blivion - 12-8-2006 at 13:30

BBP - 12-8-2006 at 14:41

World's Second Worst Joke:

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture can be hung with just 1 nail.

DED - 31-12-2006 at 19:04

Time for some bad saddam jokes now

BBP - 4-2-2007 at 22:45

scallopino - 13-2-2007 at 05:22

HAHAHA! I love cartoons.

BBP - 19-2-2007 at 18:41

Nothing beats a good gender joke:

Beer or Vagina?
1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. Point: BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. Point: VAGINA

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. Point: BEER

4. If, after taking a swig of your favorite beer, you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. Point: VAGINA

5. If you come home reeking of beer, your wife may get mad. If you get home reeking of vagina, your wife may leave you. Hmmmm? Point: DRAW

6. Ten beers in one night and you can’t drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don’t want to drive anywhere. Point: VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, you may harm your reputation. If you eat a lot of vagina in public, you may become a legend. Point: VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and smells beer on your breath, you may get arrested. If a cop stops you and smells vagina on your breath, he may buy you a beer. Point: VAGINA

9. You normally don’t find old beer. Point: BEER

10. Too much beer and you’ll see stars. Too much vagina and you’ll see God. Point: VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun. Point: VAGINA

12. Most places tax beer. Point: VAGINA

13. If you have another beer, your first beer never gets pissed off. Point: BEER

14. You know for sure if you’re the first to open a beer. Point: BEER

15. If you shake beer, it gets agitated but eventually settles down. Point: BEER

16. You always have a choice of beers: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc. Point: BEER

17. You always know how much beer will cost. Point: BEER

18. Beer doesn’t have a mother. Point: BEER

19. Beer never expects to cuddle after you drink it. Point: BEER

20. Tapping a Keg? Easy. Tapping a Vagina? May take weeks. Point: BEER

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Final Score
BEER: 11

VAGINA: 8

The winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and now feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that BEER would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. Score one extra point for BEER!

aquagoat - 19-2-2007 at 19:28

punknaynowned - 20-2-2007 at 16:08

ha!
somebody forgot,
21. You don't get a hangover from Vagina. Point: Vagina
and
16. should read, There are far more kinds of vagina than beer. Point: Vagina
[so beer loses a point and vagina gains it!: 10-10]

now for the tie breaker . . .
22. I don't drink beer, therefore, by rights more vagina for me! Pont: Vagina.

and by that scoring, Vagina wins by a hair!

BBP - 20-2-2007 at 21:15

Beer doesn't get you babies. beer doesn't spend piles of money on preventing the coming of them. Beer doesn't want you to be sterilised.

Also, if the wife comes over, the beer will have no problems hiding in the fridge.

DED - 11-4-2007 at 16:29

Penguin

A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel
Schönbrunn when he found a penguin walking along the road.
So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.

He said to the policeman "I found this penguin on Hietzinger
Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Schönbrunn. What should I do with it?"

The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you should
do with it! Take the penguin to Schönbrunn Zoo.

The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police
station with the penguin under his arm.

The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw
the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"

The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House."

BBP - 12-4-2007 at 16:33

A man walks into a sex shop and asks for a black condom.

-Well Sir, we have blue condoms, pink condoms, yellow condoms, purple condoms, gold condoms, silver condoms, red condoms, orange condoms, lubricated consoms, rough-cut condoms, smooth condoms, libbed condoms, peppermint flavoured condoms, spearmint flavoured condoms, strawberry flavoured condoms, chocolate flavoured condoms, striped condoms, polka dot condoms, party condoms, French tickler condoms...

But we don't have any black ones in stock. I could order them but it will take some time.

-Oh. I need one today. The husband of my mistress has just died and I want to pay her my condoleances.

DED - 19-8-2007 at 10:53

Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.

BBP - 20-8-2007 at 19:37

DED - 27-8-2007 at 19:05

you re punished for deeplinking :biggrin:

BBP - 29-8-2007 at 13:52

A man walks into a bar and spots someone who is slamming tequilas. He watches him for a while, sees him walk out, go to a nearby church tower, climb to the top, jump off and walk back to the cafe.
"How did you do that?"
"Well, whenever I drink tequila, it's like time runs much slower."
The man decides to try it for himself. He has several tequilas, climbs up the church tower, and falls to his death.

Barman: "You're such a dick when you're drunk, Superman."

BBP - 13-3-2009 at 11:56

What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the Germans are the bureaucrats, the English are the cops, and the French are the cooks.

In Hell, the French are the bureaucrats, the Germans are the cops, and the English are the cooks.

(If you're offended by this, I heard it from a Brit.)

scallopino - 14-3-2009 at 08:46

:-D

This is a commercial that could easily be a joke:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RbG1jHewWw

BBP - 14-3-2009 at 12:34

It is, and I had heard it before.

Two men are walking in a field.

"You see that tree over there? That's where I lost my virginity."

"Really? Tell me more!"

"Oh, it was embarrassing! Her mother caught us!

"Ouch! And, what did she say?"

"Baaaaah..."

scallopino - 15-3-2009 at 14:21

Haha. Sounds like the traditional "sex with sheep" gags Australians often say about New Zealanders.

BBP - 15-3-2009 at 15:25

Ah. I don't think the Dutch have a proper ethnic group for such a joke, and I was surprised to hear it with Scots.

You know the difference between a Scot and a Dutchman?

When a Scot goes on holiday, on his map he underlines all the places where he can eat cheap.
Whereas a Dutchman would strike through every place where he would have to pay for a meal.

BBP - 16-3-2009 at 13:55

Wise Advice Department: Whatever you give a woman, she makes it greater. If you give her sperm, she makes a baby. If you give her a house, she gives you a home. If you give her groceries, she gives you a meal. If you give her a smile, she gives you her heart. And that's why if you give her crap, she'll give you a ton of sh¡t!

punknaynowned - 17-3-2009 at 18:17

wow!
that's a tall order.
Never heard things put that simply...

Huck_Phlem - 28-4-2009 at 07:52

OK now back to sexy sheepwear.
:bouncy:

BBP - 28-4-2009 at 09:56

Huck_Phlem - 3-5-2009 at 22:02

OK now thats funny!

BBP - 4-5-2009 at 10:14

Ta! I'd think of something else to make you laugh but right now the inspiration well is dry.

punknaynowned - 4-5-2009 at 16:09

"Is that a real belt buckle or is that nudey belt buckle?"
Cosmik Debris FZ 1979 03 19 Brest, FR instead of the normal line about the sears poncho...

what's a nudey belt buckle?
I guess he could be saying a RUBY belt buckle. But that doesn't make much sense either...

BBP - 5-5-2009 at 18:56

The best way to get a man to do something is to tell him he's too old to do it!

scallopino - 9-5-2009 at 15:00

Hahaha. :biggrin:

BBP - 13-5-2009 at 08:32

How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? They spray paint an "X" on the back of any sheep that kicks!

scallopino - 17-5-2009 at 14:50

Very good.

BBP - 22-9-2009 at 14:47

http://www.dailycognition.com/index.php/2007/05/06/idiotic-answers-...

I wish I had the guts to try that when I was in school...

aquagoat - 22-9-2009 at 20:39

hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

very funny.

BBP - 7-10-2009 at 07:41

Why did the first monkey fall out of a tree?

Because it was dead.

---

Why did the second monkey fall out of a tree?

Because it was stapled to the first.

---

Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?

Peer pressure.
---

BBP - 16-11-2009 at 10:51

A teacher was having trouble with one of her students in her First Grade class.

The teacher asked, "Tim, why are you so unhappy?"

Tim answered, "I'm too smart for First Grade. My sister is in Third Grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Fourth Grade!"

The teacher had heard enough. She took Tim down to the principal's office. While Tim waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he would remain in First Grade and behave. She agreed.

Tim was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Tim: "Nine."

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Tim: "36.'"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th Grader should know. The principal looked the Teacher and told her, "I think Tim can go to the Fourth grade."

The teacher replied to the principal, "I have some of my own questions for Tim. May I ask him?"

Both the principal and Tim agreed.

The teacher asked Tim: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

After thinking for a moment, Tim replied: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have, but I do not have?"

Tim: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Tim: "A coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?"

Tim: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Tim: "Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

Tim: "A wedding ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good."

Tim: "Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

Tim: "Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in a 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?"

Tim: "Fire truck."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in a 'K' that if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?"

Tim: "Fork."

Teacher: "What do all men have which is longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"

Tim: "Surname."

Teacher: "What part of the man has muscle but no bone, has lots of veins, pumps, and is responsible for making love?"

Tim: "Heart."

After hearing the shocking exchange between Tim and his teacher, he said: "Send Tim to college. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

And... how many did YOU answer correctly?

Huck_Phlem - 17-11-2009 at 18:26

Patty Black is at work at the bank. She is a loan officer.

Suddenly a frog plops onto her desk and proclaims "I need a loan"!
"Ok but do you have any collateral?" She says.

The frog produces these little gold statues. So, Patty goes to the bank President and says.. "This frog came to my desk and wants a loan."

"Does he have any collateral?" Says the bank President. "Well, yes he has these little gold statues."

"Oh those are nick nacks Patty Black. Give the Frog a Loan!"

BBP - 11-3-2010 at 21:05

The Irishman hobbled into a doctor's office. "I think I broke my foot." "What happened?" "Well, it all started twenty years ago." "Twenty years?" the startled doctor exclaimed. "Yep. I had just started as an apprentice to Sean O'Toole and I was sleeping in his hayloft. The first night, his young daughter climbed up into the hayloft and asked me if there was anything she could do for me. I said, 'No, I'm comfortable.' and she left." "So?" asked the doctor. "Then, the next night, she climbed up there again, but this time wearing only a nightgown. 'Now is there anything I can do for you?' she asked me and again I told her, 'Nope. I'm good.' " "I don't understand," said the doctor. "Then, on the third night, she climbed up there stark naked and asked me the same thing. And again, I said I was fine, and she left." "I'm confused," said the doctor. "What does this have to do with your broken foot?" "I'm getting' there, doc. This afternoon, when I finally realized what she meant, I got so mad I kicked a brick wall!"

BBP - 1-3-2011 at 17:33

Guitar Hero I:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2721

DED - 21-3-2011 at 18:41

The earthquake in Japan is not to laugh about, but this picture I saw of it make it hard not to.

Attachment: zpz2008144.jpg (64kB)
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BBP - 4-5-2011 at 10:03

"Boss, I'm tired of being a human cannonball. I quit!" "But you can't quit!" replied the circus manager. "Where will I find a man of your caliber?"

polydigm - 4-5-2011 at 10:26

A magician working on a cruise ship is constantly watched by the captain's pet parrot. The parrot gets to know the magician's tricks and starts making wise cracks that spoil it for him. "Craw!! There's another door in the box!!", "Craw!! There are two different doves!!" and so on. The magician want's to kill the parrot but can't offend the captain. One day the ship has an explosion in the engine room, fire breaks out and the ship eventually sinks. The magician and the parrot end up floating on the same piece of debris. They glare at each other for hours but not a word is spoken. Finally the parrot squawks: "Craw!! Okay, I give in, where's the ship?"

punknaynowned - 31-5-2011 at 10:47

whether a babelfish translator or whatever, the sunglass sellers have a funny way of saying things,
"It is well-known that obtaining a pair of Oekley sunglasses is rather necessary. "

I changed the spelling so searchers hopefully won't find it here.
It's funny for whatever it is that generates it, to be so brazenly extreme with phrases like these and 'desire to to within the sunshine party' , attempts to use repeated words and phrases to encourage rhythmic reading which mimics singing songs, to generate enthusiasm to get the product - that are sunglasses!~ makes me fear they're a Singapore or S orean or worse, North K shop with people having to send out messages ... and having no knowledge of the language but do have knowledge through psychology and sociology, history ... from books written recently... 'about pattern and fashion'. It's funny if it weren't so oddly desperate.

punknaynowned - 31-5-2011 at 11:03

in other 'news', I find that I prefer the 'new' Lady Gaga song 'Born This Way' when played simultaneously with the Madonna song 'Express Yourself'. The journey made me realize that the melody used in both is a good one.
A good catchy one to whistle, turn heads at the office. I'm finding the older I get the easier I am with a good simple melody. ;-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0PvggdjkKE

Finger bandit

BBP - 10-10-2011 at 10:41

:cool:

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DED - 22-11-2011 at 11:23

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when,
through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow
and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and
gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls,
followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders
forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls
fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed
plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt,
he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.
With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body,
and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,
"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,"
says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the
Ol' Lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom
department, and the therapist suggested I do
'
something sexy to a tractor
'.

[Don't make me come splain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly.]

DED - 24-11-2011 at 14:41

DED - 29-8-2012 at 20:19

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BBP - 15-7-2022 at 22:01

Two friends were catching up at their class reunion. "What are you up to these days? Got a good job?" "Can't complain. I've got like a thousand people under me." "Wow, that's impressive! What do you do?" "I mow the lawn at the cemetery!"

Eddie RUKidding - 23-7-2022 at 23:09

https://hifiwigwam.com/forum/threads/disturbing-fact-of-the-day.1079...

Is hard to post this here as don;t know how to post images :guitar:

https://hifiwigwam.com/forum/attachments/1658495907748-png.82361/
https://hifiwigwam.com/forum/attachments/1658495924990-png.82362/

BBP - 24-7-2022 at 10:16

For that hifiwigwam to show up we'd need to be logged in onto that site. If you want to post photos and make sure they are shown, you can use the [ img ] tags for that. If you want to be 100% sure that the picture shows, make sure it's from an image hosting that allows deeplinking.

Here's a list for that:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_image-sharing_websites

****

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several boxes of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.At his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles, but he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.Poor Louis stuttered badly, but not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.""Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."Turning to Paul the pastor said, "Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church and $280 I collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."Apprehensively, the minister said to Louie, "Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles this week?"Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?"Louie just nodded."That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.""Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.Impatiently, Peter interrupted "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!""A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-youj-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"-

Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/

Eddie RUKidding - 24-7-2022 at 21:44

^LOL,

Ok will give it a try

BBP - 26-7-2022 at 15:21

I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself, "That's the last thing I need!"

BBP - 28-7-2022 at 16:30

I like my men the way I like my coffee: I hate coffee, you racist bastard!

BBP - 4-8-2022 at 19:37

My wife texted me: "Your great." Naturally, I texted back, "No, you're great." She's been happy and smiling all day. My question is: should I tell her I was correcting her grammar?

My new girlfriend told me I was terrible in bed. I told her, "That's not fair. How can you make a considered judgment in less than a minute?"

Eddie RUKidding - 14-8-2022 at 00:28

Farmer Giles and his son are walking home after a long hard day in the fields.

Suddenly a motorbike with a headless rider rides past!

"Did you see that?" says Farmer Giles. His son nods, speechless.

A little further down the lane another headless biker rides past!

Both men stop and look at each other shaking their heads.

A third headless biker passes them further along the lane.

"I'm just wondering here" says the son "Do you think it might be a good idea if you carried your scythe on the other shoulder

BBP - 16-8-2022 at 14:38

Many years ago, Joseph finally received his exit visa from the Soviet Union so he could emigrate to Israel and join his family. But he could only take one suitcase. At the Moscow Airport, an enormous customs officer ordered him to, "Open the case!" Joseph did, revealing his few meager belongings and a bust of Stalin. "What's that?" snarled the customs officer. "What is that?" replied Joseph. "That is our glorious leader, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvelous life I'm leaving behind." "I always knew that you Jews were crazy! Go!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. As Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion Airport, he was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom. Welcome to Israel. Open the case." Again, Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer noticed the bust. "What's that?" "That is the bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me so I can spit on it every day for the rest of my life." "I always knew you Russians were crazy! Go!" said the official. Finally, Joseph arrived at his new home and unpacked before his young nephew. He removed the bust of Stalin and set it on a table. "What's that?" asked his nephew. "What's that?" echoed a smiling Joseph. "That, my son, is eight pounds of gold and a can of black shoe polish!"

BBP - 23-9-2022 at 16:15

What's the best way to comfort an English teacher? "They're, there, their."

GrayGhost - 8-10-2022 at 10:38

BBP - 11-11-2022 at 18:16

"Hon, I thought you had a lodge meeting today." "Nah, it got postponed. The Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate's wife wanted him to mow the lawn!"

BBP - 17-11-2022 at 12:40

Performance Appraisal Terms (And Their Real Meanings): "Great Presentation Skills." (Able to bullshit.) "Good Communication Skills." (Spends all day on the phone.) "Average Employee." (Not too bright.) "Exceptionally Well Qualified." (Made no major blunders yet.) "Work is First Priority." (Too ugly to get a date.) "Active Socially." (Drinks a lot.) "Family Active Socially." (Spouse drinks, too.) "Independent Worker." (Nobody knows what he does.) "Quick Thinker." (Offers plausible excuses.) "Careful Thinker." (Won't make a decision.) "Aggressive." (Obnoxious.) "Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs." (Gets someone else to do it.) "Expresses Self Well." (Speaks English.) "Meticulous Attention To Detail." (Nitpicker.) "Has Leadership Qualities." (Tall with loud voice.) "Exceptionally Judgment." (Lucky.) "Keen Sense Of Humor." (Knows lots of dirty jokes.) "Career Minded." (Back Stabber.) "Loyal." (Can't get a job anywhere else.)

BBP - 29-11-2022 at 21:32

My neighbor got mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. Personally, I'm on the fence.

GrayGhost - 10-12-2022 at 04:59

GrayGhost - 3-1-2023 at 08:39

BBP - 2-2-2023 at 19:58

Husband: "When I die, I want to die having sex." Wife: "At least it'll be quick."

AGuyWithAWrench - 2-2-2023 at 22:00

Holder of the record for MLB players with the most body parts making up their name

BBP - 8-2-2023 at 19:41

Two artists challenged each other to a contest. It was a draw.

GrayGhost - 5-3-2023 at 03:54

^^^^^ Pretty sketchy ^^^^^

GrayGhost - 13-3-2023 at 08:21

BBP - 21-3-2023 at 20:10

My ex-girlfriend just phoned to tell me she wants to get back together again. Man, am I lucky! First I win the lottery, and now this!

BBP - 10-5-2023 at 20:20

Give a man an airplane ticket and he'll fly for a day. But push him out of an airplane and he'll fly for the rest of his life!

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's apparent.

polydigm - 11-5-2023 at 15:58

A dad joke? That oneâ€™s a bit dark.

BBP - 15-5-2023 at 21:20

That was 2 jokes in one post, dear.

I'm mad because I can't remember how to write the numbers 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals. Yes: IM LIVID!

Calvin - 16-5-2023 at 13:23

Whenever I'm down, my wife puts her hand on my shoulder and says "Earth".

It means the world to me.

BBP - 4-6-2023 at 20:08

My vegan friend's status said, "Iif you had to kill your own food, you wouldn't eat meat." I told him, "if you had to build your own computer, you wouldn't whine on Facebook!"

BBP - 9-6-2023 at 23:18

Every woman's dream is to meet a man who will look deep into her eyes, take her in his arms, carry her off to bed, and then clean the house while she naps.

jimmied - 19-6-2023 at 23:46

"I make music because it's the same as going to the toilet." - FZ

BBP - 26-7-2023 at 20:09

"You have the right to remain silentâ€¦" "Impossible, officer. I'm vegan!"

Calvin - 27-7-2023 at 01:33

My wife and I were going to see Oppenheimer last night, but we realized we were hungry and the movie is 3 hours.

So we joined the Barbie queue.

Plook - 29-7-2023 at 21:06

A family was taking a cross country camping trip and accidently stopped at a nudist camp but decided to stay.

The young son decided to walk around and when he returned, he told his mom the girls all had huge boobs, the mom said the bigger they are the dumber they are.

The next day the son walked around when he returned, he told the mom the guys all have big ding-a-lings, remember the mom said the bigger they are the dumber they are.

The third day the son walked around and when he returned, he told his mom dad is talking to a really really dumb girl and dad keeps getting dumber and dumber the longer he talks to herâ€¦ :lol:

BBP - 14-8-2023 at 18:49

Last year, I had a great joke about inflation. But itâ€™s hardly worth it now.

ursinator2.0 - 15-9-2023 at 19:41

Just another facebook finding:

tinkamok - 16-9-2023 at 09:15

Quote: Originally posted by ursinator2.0

Just another facebook finding:

I have the edition of "The Adventures Of Fat Freddy's Cat " that strip is taken from :lol:

Book 2 .
The cartoonist , Gilbert Shelton was in Plymouth signing copies of his work and i have a couple of signed editions of "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" .
Also a signed copy of "Philbert Desanex' 100,00th Dream" with a little hand drawn cartoon in the front cover . :lol:

BBP - 5-10-2023 at 22:34

From the Jokes I Don't Get corner:
Two buffalo overheard a passing tourist say, "What scroungy, miserable beasts those are." One buffalo asked the other, "Did you hear a discouraging word?"

polydigm - 6-10-2023 at 15:55

Quote: Originally posted by BBP

From the Jokes I Don't Get corner:
Two buffalo overheard a passing tourist say, "What scroungy, miserable beasts those are." One buffalo asked the other, "Did you hear a discouraging word?"

It's about a traditional song from the American West.

"Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day."

BBP - 6-10-2023 at 16:53

I know that. In Toonstruck the parody is "Where seldom is heard an intelligible word, and the mango and diesel souffle."

Eddie RUKidding - 6-10-2023 at 21:10

:lol:

BBP - 6-10-2023 at 21:14

It's called "Home on deranged."

polydigm - 11-10-2023 at 13:40

So why is it from the jokes you donâ€™t get corner?

Eddie RUKidding - 11-10-2023 at 20:51

No Cobbs allowed :biggrin:

BBP - 11-10-2023 at 21:28

I don't know the original, only the mango and diesel.

Diesel in this part of the world is when you mix Coke with Fanta (or whatever cheapo variety you use of the sugarfairy bathwater). It's possible to cook soda into syrup that you then use for baking (GBBO) so making a mango and diesel souffle should be possible.

BBP - 18-10-2023 at 19:30

Grunt time!

"Waitress, may I ask you about the menu, please?" "Sir, the men I please are none of your business!"

polydigm - 23-10-2023 at 09:47

I heard a good golf joke recently:

You're playing a round of golf with your friend and you've reached the eighteenth hole and you're dead even. You tee off a 200m drive right up the middle of the fairway, but friend drives into the woods. You help him look for the ball, but can't find it. The friend says go and take your second shot, I'll look a bit more and if I can't find, I'll go and tee off again. You take your second shot and it lands on the green, a significant distance from the pin. Suddenly you hear, "I found it!!" from the woods and next thing a ball comes flying up and lands about 30cms from the hole. Now, what do you do? Do you take his ball out of your pocket and let him know what a cheating bastard he is, or do you just let it go?

Plook - 23-10-2023 at 23:55

Good one Poly... :grin:

This actually happened when I was golfing on the Central Coast a couple of years ago and Kat was with me.

I am playing in a foursome of people the starter put together we had been playing for several holes together so everyone was loosened up.

We were standing on the tee box getting ready to tee off, this older guy that had to be in his seventies says "do you know why they call it Golf?"

We all look around and shrug, so we are expecting some historical background and he says "because fuck was taken"...oh my god we almost died laughing... :lol:

BBP - 24-10-2023 at 20:13

When you go to the hairdresser, there's always hair on the floor. When you go to a mechanic, there's oil and screws on the floor. But when I go to the bank...

BBP - 1-11-2023 at 23:00

"Mom, is it okay if my boyfriend and I go up to my room?" "Sure, Honey. You kids have fun." Soon, Mom heard, "Baby, baby, baby, oh!" She knocks on the bedroom door and asked, "What's going on in there!?" Her daughter replied, "Mom! We're just having sex." "Oh, thank God. I was afraid you were listening to Justin Bieber

Plook - 4-11-2023 at 17:38

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said â€œI need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs.â€

I said â€œOkay, but donâ€™t go in that field over there.â€

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, â€œMister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!â€

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. â€œSee this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wishâ€¦. On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?â€¦. do you understand?!!â€

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores.

A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bullâ€¦. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that heâ€™d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs
â€œYour badge, show him your badge ðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£

Eddie RUKidding - 5-11-2023 at 01:04

^ winner & ^^winner again for both posts :biggrin:

BBP - 5-12-2023 at 06:22

Why is Elon Musk's Christmas dinner so awkward?

He can't stop talking about his X.

Plook - 6-12-2023 at 01:55

I'm going to need to barrow that one Bonny.

Plook - 10-12-2023 at 22:42

What do you call it when a guy cums in a girl???????

Loading the dishwasher... :lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 11-12-2023 at 20:23

Hope their using rinse aid.............. :duh:

BBP - 14-12-2023 at 21:00

From the Explain It To Me category:

Bing Crosby, Don Partridge, Mary Hopkins, and Lee Hazelwood, have asked me to join their caroling group this year. It's very exclusive: just Bing, Don, Mary, Lee, and I!

polydigm - 19-12-2023 at 09:07

Bonny, when you say "Explain It To Me", what do you mean? Do you really want someone to explain this to you, or is that tongue in cheek?

BBP - 19-12-2023 at 09:53

I really need someone to explain it to me, what does Bing, Don, Mary, Lee and I refer to?

polydigm - 20-12-2023 at 19:11

Itâ€™s a Xmas song called Ding dong! Merrily on high!

Plook - 20-12-2023 at 20:05

Poly I'm glad you explained that because I was totally lost on that one.

BBP - 21-12-2023 at 21:29

It sounds familiar but I don't know for sure where I heard it before. Interesting to read it was originally secular and from the renaissance. It's kinda similar to Gloria, which is here in a Dutch rendition:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxYF5jQloRE

BBP - 11-1-2024 at 20:38

A man was convicted of lewd behavior with fruit, but he got off on a peel.

Plook - 12-1-2024 at 01:12

That story sounds bananas... :lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 12-1-2024 at 02:52

Did it involve someone with Blue hair :shy:

BBP - 12-1-2024 at 20:28

The difference between entomology and etymology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

Eddie RUKidding - 12-1-2024 at 22:33

Its all words & worms to me :mad:

Plook - 13-1-2024 at 00:52

I was walking my dog in the city when it began to poop.

The dog had eaten a ribbon the day before and I saw it coming out, but it was so long it stopped when the dog had finished pooping.

So I started to pull the ribbon out which the dog looked thankful for.

It was very long so I pulled and pulled and the ribbon kept coming.

It was then I noticed a crowd had gathered and was watching what I was doing.

One woman who had walked up turned to the others in the crowd and said "Worst street magician ever!"

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 13-1-2024 at 00:57

:biggrin:

Eddie RUKidding - 14-1-2024 at 09:52

I just sold 15 LP's for $100 bucks to the 2nd hand record shop (he came to my place - so more carbon neutral ;D ) , including New Order Blue Monday 12" and Cocaine JJ Cale 12" , plus my 2nd copy of Sheik Yerbouti and Weasels Ripped my Flesh, Uriah Heap "eavy" etc, then used the proceeds to by Alcohol

https://youtu.be/9Bul0dJVfFQ
Blue Monday extended version above

^ Sh!t just listening to it now on youtube and thinking I really could have used that to annoy the Bogans because just playing it now annoys the Crap out of me ;D

BBP - 10-2-2024 at 21:44

The urge to sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

polydigm - 11-2-2024 at 13:25

Bonny, I laughed and Julie likes it too.

BBP - 8-3-2024 at 21:40

Attachment: Cartoon+of+the+Day_Jayna.jpg (45kB)
This file has been downloaded 15 times

polydigm - 9-3-2024 at 13:17

Amusing â€¦ a murder of crows.

Eddie RUKidding - 9-3-2024 at 20:24

^That would please Port Adelaide supporters lol

For the uninitiated, Adelaide has 2 football teams one called the Adelaide Crows and the other Port Adelaide and never to two shall mix or be friends, sort of a hate / hate relationship :biggrin:

polydigm - 10-3-2024 at 01:31

Just in case my last post is misinterpreted, I wasnâ€™t talking about murdering crows. For those who donâ€™t know, murder is the English term for a group of crows. Pack of wolves, flock of birds, murder of crows. That is the essence of the joke about the crows that Bonny posted above.

Eddie RUKidding - 10-3-2024 at 02:02

The rivalry between Port Adelaide and Adelaide Crows fans is just as funny :biggrin:

BBP - 27-3-2024 at 20:54

I have the ability to drive a woman wild using only my tongue. Let me demonstrate: "Have you put on a few pounds?"

Eddie RUKidding - 28-3-2024 at 04:38

:biggrin:

BBP - 4-4-2024 at 17:07

A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walked into a blood bank. The nurse asked, "What is your blood type?" The rabbit said, "I think I'm a type O."

Henry - 5-4-2024 at 01:26

Quote: Originally posted by BBP

A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walked into a blood bank. The nurse asked, "What is your blood type?" The rabbit said, "I think I'm a type O."

Good one.

Plook - 6-4-2024 at 16:09

Ok I made this one up on the fly after hearing about the earthquake in New York yesterday... :grin:

I felt the earthquake

in New York, it wasn't my fault...

Eddie RUKidding - 15-4-2024 at 22:09

Billy Connolly and Kenny Everett -on Parkinson in Oz (Oct 1981) :biggrin:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxs4QTE_xfg

BBP - 18-4-2024 at 21:55

You matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then, you energy!

Plook - 19-4-2024 at 01:44

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 24-4-2024 at 21:29

Arrr. What are the two steps to marrying a country girl?

1. A tractor.
2. Fertilizer.

:biggrin:

Eddie RUKidding - 24-4-2024 at 21:30

One more for the road or street lol

Plook - 25-4-2024 at 17:04

:lol:

BBP - 27-4-2024 at 10:48

Winner of the worlds "Funniest Crab Joke" competition:

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didnâ€™t. It used the sidewalk.â€

Eddie RUKidding - 27-4-2024 at 22:09

that deserves a "Round Of A-Claws"

Eddie RUKidding - 28-4-2024 at 23:00

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 deputy neutrons, 88 under neutrons and 198 assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

Eddie RUKidding - 2-5-2024 at 02:19

Breaking news - archaeologists excavating the ruins in Pompeii unearth the house that Keith Richards grew up in...

Eddie RUKidding - 3-5-2024 at 01:20

The most attractive girl I ever went out with worked at an abattoir.
She was a stunner.

BBP - 4-5-2024 at 08:46

Definition of a "cool surgeon:" the hip replacement doctor.

Eddie RUKidding - 4-5-2024 at 22:38

5 hours ago
An old one but nicely developed.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Eddie RUKidding - 6-5-2024 at 01:22

A friend once told me, â€œYou canâ€™t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.â€

Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.

Eddie RUKidding - 6-5-2024 at 23:28

Coming up:

One of the most important lessons in learning how to play guitar.

Stay tuned.

Eddie RUKidding - 8-5-2024 at 08:41

Maybe Frank would have liked this one :bald:

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked .

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied .

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged Â£5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds cash and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no-one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.

There were no discounts. The price was still Â£5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor....

I was instructed to deliver your Â£15,000 inheritance in person."