The earthquake in Japan is not to laugh about, but this picture I saw of it make it hard not to.
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BBP - 4-5-2011 at 10:03
"Boss, I'm tired of being a human cannonball. I quit!" "But you can't quit!" replied the circus manager. "Where
will I find a man of your caliber?"
polydigm - 4-5-2011 at 10:26
A magician working on a cruise ship is constantly watched by the captain's pet parrot. The parrot gets to know the magician's tricks and
starts making wise cracks that spoil it for him. "Craw!! There's another door in the box!!", "Craw!! There are two different
doves!!" and so on. The magician want's to kill the parrot but can't offend the captain. One day the ship has an explosion in the
engine room, fire breaks out and the ship eventually sinks. The magician and the parrot end up floating on the same piece of debris. They glare at
each other for hours but not a word is spoken. Finally the parrot squawks: "Craw!! Okay, I give in, where's the ship?"punknaynowned - 31-5-2011 at 10:47
whether a babelfish translator or whatever, the sunglass sellers have a funny way of saying things,
"It is well-known that obtaining a pair of Oekley sunglasses is rather necessary. "
I changed the spelling so searchers hopefully won't find it here.
It's funny for whatever it is that generates it, to be so brazenly extreme with phrases like these and 'desire to to within the sunshine
party' , attempts to use repeated words and phrases to encourage rhythmic reading which mimics singing songs, to generate enthusiasm to get the
product - that are sunglasses!~ makes me fear they're a Singapore or S orean or worse, North K shop with people having to send out messages ...
and having no knowledge of the language but do have knowledge through psychology and sociology, history ... from books written recently... 'about
pattern and fashion'. It's funny if it weren't so oddly desperate.punknaynowned - 31-5-2011 at 11:03
in other 'news', I find that I prefer the 'new' Lady Gaga song 'Born This Way' when played simultaneously with the
Madonna song 'Express Yourself'. The journey made me realize that the melody used in both is a good one.
A good catchy one to whistle, turn heads at the office. I'm finding the older I get the easier I am with a good simple melody. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0PvggdjkKE
Finger bandit
BBP - 10-10-2011 at 10:41
Attachment: FingerBandit.jpg (11kB) This file has been downloaded 637 timesDED - 22-11-2011 at 11:23
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when,
through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow
and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and
gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls,
followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders
forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls
fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed
plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt,
he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.
With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body,
and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,
"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,"
says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the
Ol' Lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom
department, and the therapist suggested I do
'
something sexy to a tractor
'.
[Don't make me come splain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly.]DED - 24-11-2011 at 14:41
DED - 29-8-2012 at 20:19
Attachment: niksz306.jpg (27kB) This file has been downloaded 621 timesBBP - 15-7-2022 at 22:01
Two friends were catching up at their class reunion. "What are you up to these days? Got a good job?" "Can't complain. I've
got like a thousand people under me." "Wow, that's impressive! What do you do?" "I mow the lawn at the cemetery!"Eddie RUKidding - 23-7-2022 at 23:09
For that hifiwigwam to show up we'd need to be logged in onto that site. If you want to post photos and make sure they are shown, you can use the
[ img ] tags for that. If you want to be 100% sure that the picture shows, make sure it's from an image hosting that allows deeplinking.
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several boxes
of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.At his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be
willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands
to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles, but he
had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.Poor Louis stuttered
badly, but not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their
cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.Anxious to
find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last
week?"Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the
$200 I collected on behalf of the church.""Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman
and the church is indebted to you."Turning to Paul the pastor said, "Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"Paul,
smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church and $280 I
collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted
to you."Apprehensively, the minister said to Louie, "Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles this week?"Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie,
there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?"Louie just
nodded."That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times
as many bibles as we could.""Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you
managed to accomplish this, Louie."Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he
stammered.Impatiently, Peter interrupted "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the
door!""A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this
b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-youj-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it
t-to y-y-you??"-
I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself, "That's the last thing I need!"
BBP - 28-7-2022 at 16:30
I like my men the way I like my coffee: I hate coffee, you racist bastard!
BBP - 4-8-2022 at 19:37
My wife texted me: "Your great." Naturally, I texted back, "No, you're great." She's been happy and smiling all day. My
question is: should I tell her I was correcting her grammar?
My new girlfriend told me I was terrible in bed. I told her, "That's not fair. How can you make a considered judgment in less than a
minute?"Eddie RUKidding - 14-8-2022 at 00:28
Farmer Giles and his son are walking home after a long hard day in the fields.
Suddenly a motorbike with a headless rider rides past!
"Did you see that?" says Farmer Giles. His son nods, speechless.
A little further down the lane another headless biker rides past!
Both men stop and look at each other shaking their heads.
A third headless biker passes them further along the lane.
"I'm just wondering here" says the son "Do you think it might be a good idea if you carried your scythe on the other shoulderBBP - 16-8-2022 at 14:38
Many years ago, Joseph finally received his exit visa from the Soviet Union so he could emigrate to Israel and join his family. But he could only take
one suitcase. At the Moscow Airport, an enormous customs officer ordered him to, "Open the case!" Joseph did, revealing his few meager
belongings and a bust of Stalin. "What's that?" snarled the customs officer. "What is that?" replied Joseph. "That is
our glorious leader, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvelous life I'm
leaving behind." "I always knew that you Jews were crazy! Go!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. As Joseph arrived at
Ben Gurion Airport, he was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom. Welcome to Israel. Open the case." Again, Joseph's
belongings were examined and the customs officer noticed the bust. "What's that?" "That is the bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it
to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me so I can spit on it every day for the rest of my life." "I
always knew you Russians were crazy! Go!" said the official. Finally, Joseph arrived at his new home and unpacked before his young nephew. He
removed the bust of Stalin and set it on a table. "What's that?" asked his nephew. "What's that?" echoed a smiling
Joseph. "That, my son, is eight pounds of gold and a can of black shoe polish!"BBP - 23-9-2022 at 16:15
What's the best way to comfort an English teacher? "They're, there, their."GrayGhost - 8-10-2022 at 10:38
BBP - 11-11-2022 at 18:16
"Hon, I thought you had a lodge meeting today." "Nah, it got postponed. The Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate's wife
wanted him to mow the lawn!"BBP - 17-11-2022 at 12:40
Performance Appraisal Terms (And Their Real Meanings): "Great Presentation Skills." (Able to bullshit.) "Good Communication
Skills." (Spends all day on the phone.) "Average Employee." (Not too bright.) "Exceptionally Well Qualified." (Made no major
blunders yet.) "Work is First Priority." (Too ugly to get a date.) "Active Socially." (Drinks a lot.) "Family Active
Socially." (Spouse drinks, too.) "Independent Worker." (Nobody knows what he does.) "Quick Thinker." (Offers plausible
excuses.) "Careful Thinker." (Won't make a decision.) "Aggressive." (Obnoxious.) "Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs."
(Gets someone else to do it.) "Expresses Self Well." (Speaks English.) "Meticulous Attention To Detail." (Nitpicker.) "Has
Leadership Qualities." (Tall with loud voice.) "Exceptionally Judgment." (Lucky.) "Keen Sense Of Humor." (Knows lots of dirty
jokes.) "Career Minded." (Back Stabber.) "Loyal." (Can't get a job anywhere else.)BBP - 29-11-2022 at 21:32
My neighbor got mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. Personally, I'm on the fence.GrayGhost - 10-12-2022 at 04:59
GrayGhost - 3-1-2023 at 08:39
BBP - 2-2-2023 at 19:58
Husband: "When I die, I want to die having sex." Wife: "At least it'll be quick."
AGuyWithAWrench - 2-2-2023 at 22:00
Holder of the record for MLB players with the most body parts making up their name
BBP - 8-2-2023 at 19:41
Two artists challenged each other to a contest. It was a draw.GrayGhost - 5-3-2023 at 03:54
^^^^^ Pretty sketchy ^^^^^
GrayGhost - 13-3-2023 at 08:21
BBP - 21-3-2023 at 20:10
My ex-girlfriend just phoned to tell me she wants to get back together again. Man, am I lucky! First I win the lottery, and now this!BBP - 10-5-2023 at 20:20
Give a man an airplane ticket and he'll fly for a day. But push him out of an airplane and he'll fly for the rest of his life!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's apparent.polydigm - 11-5-2023 at 15:58
A dad joke? That one’s a bit dark.BBP - 15-5-2023 at 21:20
That was 2 jokes in one post, dear.
I'm mad because I can't remember how to write the numbers 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals. Yes: IM LIVID!Calvin - 16-5-2023 at 13:23
Whenever I'm down, my wife puts her hand on my shoulder and says "Earth".
It means the world to me.BBP - 4-6-2023 at 20:08
My vegan friend's status said, "Iif you had to kill your own food, you wouldn't eat meat." I told him, "if you had to build
your own computer, you wouldn't whine on Facebook!"BBP - 9-6-2023 at 23:18
Every woman's dream is to meet a man who will look deep into her eyes, take her in his arms, carry her off to bed, and then clean the house while
she naps.jimmied - 19-6-2023 at 23:46
"I make music because it's the same as going to the toilet." - FZBBP - 26-7-2023 at 20:09
"You have the right to remain silent…" "Impossible, officer. I'm vegan!"Calvin - 27-7-2023 at 01:33
My wife and I were going to see Oppenheimer last night, but we realized we were hungry and the movie is 3 hours.
So we joined the Barbie queue.Plook - 29-7-2023 at 21:06
A family was taking a cross country camping trip and accidently stopped at a nudist camp but decided to stay.
The young son decided to walk around and when he returned, he told his mom the girls all had huge boobs, the mom said the bigger they are the dumber
they are.
The next day the son walked around when he returned, he told the mom the guys all have big ding-a-lings, remember the mom said the bigger they are the
dumber they are.
The third day the son walked around and when he returned, he told his mom dad is talking to a really really dumb girl and dad keeps getting dumber and
dumber the longer he talks to her… BBP - 14-8-2023 at 18:49
Last year, I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.ursinator2.0 - 15-9-2023 at 19:41
I have the edition of "The Adventures Of Fat Freddy's Cat " that strip is taken from Book 2 .
The cartoonist , Gilbert Shelton was in Plymouth signing copies of his work and i have a couple of signed editions of "The Fabulous Furry Freak
Brothers" .
Also a signed copy of "Philbert Desanex' 100,00th Dream" with a little hand drawn cartoon in the front cover .
BBP - 5-10-2023 at 22:34
From the Jokes I Don't Get corner:
Two buffalo overheard a passing tourist say, "What scroungy, miserable beasts those are." One buffalo asked the other, "Did you hear a
discouraging word?"polydigm - 6-10-2023 at 15:55
From the Jokes I Don't Get corner:
Two buffalo overheard a passing tourist say, "What scroungy, miserable beasts those are." One buffalo asked the other, "Did you hear a
discouraging word?"
It's about a traditional song from the American West.
"Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day."BBP - 6-10-2023 at 16:53
I know that. In Toonstruck the parody is "Where seldom is heard an intelligible word, and the mango and diesel souffle." Eddie RUKidding - 6-10-2023 at 21:10
BBP - 6-10-2023 at 21:14
It's called "Home on deranged." polydigm - 11-10-2023 at 13:40
So why is it from the jokes you don’t get corner?Eddie RUKidding - 11-10-2023 at 20:51
No Cobbs allowed BBP - 11-10-2023 at 21:28
I don't know the original, only the mango and diesel.
Diesel in this part of the world is when you mix Coke with Fanta (or whatever cheapo variety you use of the sugarfairy bathwater). It's possible
to cook soda into syrup that you then use for baking (GBBO) so making a mango and diesel souffle should be possible.BBP - 18-10-2023 at 19:30
Grunt time!
"Waitress, may I ask you about the menu, please?" "Sir, the men I please are none of your business!"polydigm - 23-10-2023 at 09:47
I heard a good golf joke recently:
You're playing a round of golf with your friend and you've reached the eighteenth hole and you're dead even. You tee off a 200m drive
right up the middle of the fairway, but friend drives into the woods. You help him look for the ball, but can't find it. The friend says go and
take your second shot, I'll look a bit more and if I can't find, I'll go and tee off again. You take your second shot and it lands on
the green, a significant distance from the pin. Suddenly you hear, "I found it!!" from the woods and next thing a ball comes flying up and
lands about 30cms from the hole. Now, what do you do? Do you take his ball out of your pocket and let him know what a cheating bastard he is, or do
you just let it go?Plook - 23-10-2023 at 23:55
Good one Poly...
This actually happened when I was golfing on the Central Coast a couple of years ago and Kat was with me.
I am playing in a foursome of people the starter put together we had been playing for several holes together so everyone was loosened up.
We were standing on the tee box getting ready to tee off, this older guy that had to be in his seventies says "do you know why they call it
Golf?"
We all look around and shrug, so we are expecting some historical background and he says "because fuck was taken"...oh my god we almost died
laughing...BBP - 24-10-2023 at 20:13
When you go to the hairdresser, there's always hair on the floor. When you go to a mechanic, there's oil and screws on the floor. But when I
go to the bank...
BBP - 1-11-2023 at 23:00
"Mom, is it okay if my boyfriend and I go up to my room?" "Sure, Honey. You kids have fun." Soon, Mom heard, "Baby, baby,
baby, oh!" She knocks on the bedroom door and asked, "What's going on in there!?" Her daughter replied, "Mom! We're just
having sex." "Oh, thank God. I was afraid you were listening to Justin BieberPlook - 4-11-2023 at 17:38
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!”
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores.
A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every
step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was
clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your badge 🤣🤣Eddie RUKidding - 5-11-2023 at 01:04
^ winner & ^^winner again for both posts BBP - 5-12-2023 at 06:22
Why is Elon Musk's Christmas dinner so awkward?
He can't stop talking about his X.Plook - 6-12-2023 at 01:55
I'm going to need to barrow that one Bonny.Plook - 10-12-2023 at 22:42
What do you call it when a guy cums in a girl???????
Loading the dishwasher...Eddie RUKidding - 11-12-2023 at 20:23
Hope their using rinse aid.............. BBP - 14-12-2023 at 21:00
From the Explain It To Me category:
Bing Crosby, Don Partridge, Mary Hopkins, and Lee Hazelwood, have asked me to join their caroling group this year. It's very exclusive: just
Bing, Don, Mary, Lee, and I!polydigm - 19-12-2023 at 09:07
Bonny, when you say "Explain It To Me", what do you mean? Do you really want someone to explain this to you, or is that tongue in cheek?BBP - 19-12-2023 at 09:53
I really need someone to explain it to me, what does Bing, Don, Mary, Lee and I refer to?polydigm - 20-12-2023 at 19:11
It’s a Xmas song called Ding dong! Merrily on high!Plook - 20-12-2023 at 20:05
Poly I'm glad you explained that because I was totally lost on that one.BBP - 21-12-2023 at 21:29
It sounds familiar but I don't know for sure where I heard it before. Interesting to read it was originally secular and from the renaissance.
It's kinda similar to Gloria, which is here in a Dutch rendition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxYF5jQloRE
BBP - 11-1-2024 at 20:38
A man was convicted of lewd behavior with fruit, but he got off on a peel.Plook - 12-1-2024 at 01:12
That story sounds bananas...Eddie RUKidding - 12-1-2024 at 02:52
Did it involve someone with Blue hair BBP - 12-1-2024 at 20:28
The difference between entomology and etymology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.Eddie RUKidding - 12-1-2024 at 22:33
Its all words & worms to me Plook - 13-1-2024 at 00:52
I was walking my dog in the city when it began to poop.
The dog had eaten a ribbon the day before and I saw it coming out, but it was so long it stopped when the dog had finished pooping.
So I started to pull the ribbon out which the dog looked thankful for.
It was very long so I pulled and pulled and the ribbon kept coming.
It was then I noticed a crowd had gathered and was watching what I was doing.
One woman who had walked up turned to the others in the crowd and said "Worst street magician ever!"
Eddie RUKidding - 13-1-2024 at 00:57
Eddie RUKidding - 14-1-2024 at 09:52
I just sold 15 LP's for $100 bucks to the 2nd hand record shop (he came to my place - so more carbon neutral ;D ) , including New Order Blue
Monday 12" and Cocaine JJ Cale 12" , plus my 2nd copy of Sheik Yerbouti and Weasels Ripped my Flesh, Uriah Heap "eavy" etc, then
used the proceeds to by Alcohol https://youtu.be/9Bul0dJVfFQ
Blue Monday extended version above
^ Sh!t just listening to it now on youtube and thinking I really could have used that to annoy the Bogans because just playing it now annoys the Crap
out of me ;DBBP - 10-2-2024 at 21:44
The urge to sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...polydigm - 11-2-2024 at 13:25
Bonny, I laughed and Julie likes it too.BBP - 8-3-2024 at 21:40
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Amusing … a murder of crows.Eddie RUKidding - 9-3-2024 at 20:24
^That would please Port Adelaide supporters lol
For the uninitiated, Adelaide has 2 football teams one called the Adelaide Crows and the other Port Adelaide and never to two shall mix or be friends,
sort of a hate / hate relationship polydigm - 10-3-2024 at 01:31
Just in case my last post is misinterpreted, I wasn’t talking about murdering crows. For those who don’t know, murder is the English term for a
group of crows. Pack of wolves, flock of birds, murder of crows. That is the essence of the joke about the crows that Bonny posted above.Eddie RUKidding - 10-3-2024 at 02:02
The rivalry between Port Adelaide and Adelaide Crows fans is just as funny BBP - 27-3-2024 at 20:54
I have the ability to drive a woman wild using only my tongue. Let me demonstrate: "Have you put on a few pounds?"
Eddie RUKidding - 28-3-2024 at 04:38
BBP - 4-4-2024 at 17:07
A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walked into a blood bank. The nurse asked, "What is your blood type?" The rabbit said, "I think
I'm a type O."
that deserves a "Round Of A-Claws"Eddie RUKidding - 28-4-2024 at 23:00
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 deputy neutrons, 88 under neutrons and 198 assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since
Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it
has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.Eddie RUKidding - 2-5-2024 at 02:19
Breaking news - archaeologists excavating the ruins in Pompeii unearth the house that Keith Richards grew up in...Eddie RUKidding - 3-5-2024 at 01:20
The most attractive girl I ever went out with worked at an abattoir.
She was a stunner.
