make 'em laugh

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BBP - 4-5-2024 at 08:46

Definition of a "cool surgeon:" the hip replacement doctor.

Eddie RUKidding - 4-5-2024 at 22:38

5 hours ago
An old one but nicely developed.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Eddie RUKidding - 6-5-2024 at 01:22

A friend once told me, “You can’t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.”

Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.

Eddie RUKidding - 6-5-2024 at 23:28

Coming up:

One of the most important lessons in learning how to play guitar.

Stay tuned.

Eddie RUKidding - 8-5-2024 at 08:41

Maybe Frank would have liked this one :bald:

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked .

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied .

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds cash and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no-one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.

There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor....

I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

Eddie RUKidding - 13-5-2024 at 23:26

A man is sitting at the roadside looking very unhappy.

A soldier passing by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.

I've locked myself out of my car.' replies the man.

'No problem,' replies the soldier 'Let me try by rubbing my backside on the door.'

The motorist is perplexed but reckons there's no harm in letting him try.

The soldier puts his bottom to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the door and the lock clicks open.

'That's amazing' says the motorist. 'How did you do it?'

'Easy,' replies the soldier. 'I'm wearing khaki trousers.'
:devil:

Plook - 14-5-2024 at 00:02

Wow that was reach, but I laughed... :lol:

BBP - 14-5-2024 at 19:37

I remember first reading that and getting my sides split. It involved a damsel in distress and a soldier taking off his trousers.

Eddie RUKidding - 15-5-2024 at 23:07

Two Welshmen were shipwrecked on a desert island.

A number of years later, a ship spots them and a boat is sent to pick them up.

Getting off the boat, the obviously very English officer says, "My word, you chaps have clearly been very busy while you have been here."

"What's that you've built over there?"

"Oh, that's the hut where we sleep."

"I see. And what's that over there?"

"That's our kitchen where we keep a fire going and cook our food."

"I see. And what's that over there?"

"Ah. That's chapel."

"Ahah. And what's that over there?"

"It's chapel."

"Errr..... that's a chapel and that's a chapel. Why two chapels?"

"Oh, [pointing] that's the one we don't go to."

BBP - 16-5-2024 at 20:26

You May Be Old If... You go an entire day without taking one picture with your phone. You increase your font size to "Billboard." You get carpal tunnel syndrome scrolling down to your birth year. You look down and decide your t-shirt needs ironing and then realize: you're naked. You wake up with a hangover when you didn't even drink last night. Childhood punishments like naps, being grounded, and not allowed to go to parties, are now your preferences. You hear elevator music and remember when that song came out. You refer to your knees as "good" and "bad." Your doctor now tells you slow down instead of the police!

Plook - 16-5-2024 at 22:24

Good one Bonny... :lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 16-5-2024 at 23:48

They had to evacuate my local music festival when a band did a cover of Boogie Wonderland.

It set off the Earth, Wind and Fire alarm.

Eddie RUKidding - 17-5-2024 at 23:15

I'm so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

Eddie RUKidding - 19-5-2024 at 23:55

I just started downloading the Titanic soundtrack.

It's syncing right now...
:bouncing:

Eddie RUKidding - 20-5-2024 at 22:36

This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last 2 put together...

Eddie RUKidding - 21-5-2024 at 21:51

I wonder if Frank had one of these

Eddie RUKidding - 22-5-2024 at 22:17

A couple from the circus walk into the adoption agency office and ask if they can adopt a child.

The adoption official says " Arent circuses always on the move so how would you house your child ?"

"No problem" says the couple "We have the finest motor caravan money can buy with plenty of room
and all mod cons".

"That may be so but how about proper education if your always travelling"

"Well we plan to hire a full time teacher to travel with us"

" Hmm, its seems you have all the requirements covered. So would you like a boy or a girl ?"

" It doesnt really matter as long as he or she will fit into the canon"

BBP - 23-5-2024 at 20:50

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony, but eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is always zero.

Eddie RUKidding - 23-5-2024 at 22:16

^The Truth is always found in Mathematics, so no argument from me lol

A lad asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills. They were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

BBP - 24-5-2024 at 19:28

Once upon a time, I met a genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you." The genue saud, "Weurd wush, but U wull grant ut."

Eddie RUKidding - 24-5-2024 at 23:08

My mate recently hired an Eastern European cleaner, but it took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

Plook - 25-5-2024 at 01:23

I'm just to American for that one... :lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 25-5-2024 at 10:37

My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.

Her actual words were, “You’ve got fat,” but I know what she meant.

Eddie RUKidding - 26-5-2024 at 11:45

f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar.

The barman says, "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions.”

BBP - 27-5-2024 at 19:46

A woman was in labor with their first child. Suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't. Couldn't. Wouldn't. Didn't. Can't." Her husband cried, "Doc! What's wrong with my wife?" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions!"

Eddie RUKidding - 27-5-2024 at 20:52

^Sounds like the end section of Stink Foot on Apostrophe(') lol

Eddie RUKidding - 27-5-2024 at 20:57

Notice outside a church:

If you are tired of sin, come inside.

To which someone has added:

If not, telephone....

Eddie RUKidding - 28-5-2024 at 21:41

A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.

His wife says to him, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper to try to get him back".

The farmer does this, but after two weeks and no phone calls, the dog is still missing.

"What did you write in the ad?" asked his wife.

"Here boy," said the farmer.

Eddie RUKidding - 29-5-2024 at 01:34

My friend is very poorly so I went round to see him.

I took an I-pad, some DVDs and some ready meals.

Hopefully he is too sick to notice they've gone.

Eddie RUKidding - 29-5-2024 at 08:30

Postman Pat has finally reached retiring age.

On his very last round many of the households to which he's been delivering for years want to give him a really great send-off.

One family gives him £100, one gives him vouchers for a really fantastic cruise, and another a big gold watch.

But at the very last house, he knocks on the door because there's a parcel and the gorgeous blonde girl who lives there opens the door in sexy lingerie and drags him straight upstairs for several hours of the most passionate and varied sex he's ever experienced!

Afterwards they go downstairs to the kitchen and she makes him a delicious full English breakfast: sausages, bacon, eggs, black pudding, mushrooms, tomatoes, the lot.

Then Pat notices, as she pours him a big cup of delicious filter coffee, that there's a pound coin in the saucer.

Pat says, "What's the coin for?"

She explains, "Well, last night I told my husband that you were retiring so I asked him what we should do.

He said, 'F**k him, give him a quid!'

"The breakfast was my idea."

Plook - 29-5-2024 at 18:52

I got that one, very funny... :lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 29-5-2024 at 20:13

:lol:

glad that one got thru, Postman Pat is popular in the UK and even has a song............ and even in Norway

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb3QXrvs6dY

English version :drool:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcXzU4JOiDE

Eddie RUKidding - 29-5-2024 at 20:36

Eddie RUKidding - 30-5-2024 at 22:09

I’m writing a song about getting my door lock replaced.

There’s a key change at the end. :bouncing:

Eddie RUKidding - 31-5-2024 at 22:24

A couple are sitting having a drink in bar just chatting away.

Suddenly the man slides down the seat and disappears under the table.

The woman carries on drinking as though nothing has happened.

The barman's a bit worried about this and says: 'Excuse me madam but your husband's just disappeared under the table?'

She replies: 'No, my husband just walked in the door.'

Eddie RUKidding - 1-6-2024 at 21:35

I had an accident and was surprised when the doctor handed me a report saying that my fingers were all broken.

It was hard for me to grasp.

Eddie RUKidding - 1-6-2024 at 21:44

British tourists driving around Germany; the woman to her husband

"'Ausfahrt' must be a big place, it's signposted everywhere"

Eddie RUKidding - 2-6-2024 at 22:54

Man at anger management clinic: "Sometimes I get so angry I just want to go out and do judo moves on fat people."

Therapist: "Calm down. There's no point throwing a wobbly."

Eddie RUKidding - 3-6-2024 at 22:09

tis was the coldest night of the year and the next morning all the cows were frozen solid.

Farmer Giles tried everything he could think of - blankets, hot water bottles, even a hair dryer - but the cows remained solid blocks of ice.

A neighbour passing by asked what the problem was and on being told he smiled and said "I know the very person who can help you!"

Half an hour later he was back with an elderly woman wrapped in a shawl, hobbling slowly towards the cow field.

"She'll sort you out!" he smiled.

She went from cow to cow, stroking, patting, whispering, and gradually each animal was released from its icy bonds.

"That's a miracle!" said the farmer. "Who is she?"

"Didn't you recognise her? That's Thaw-A-Herd!"

Eddie RUKidding - 4-6-2024 at 20:09

Jesus walks into a restaurant and says, "Table for 26 please".

Maitre d' (looking past him at the entourage): "But sir, there are only thirteen of you."

"Yes, but we're all going to sit on the same side."

Eddie RUKidding - 5-6-2024 at 20:44

BBP - 5-6-2024 at 20:50

Truth!

Eddie RUKidding - 5-6-2024 at 20:51

Eddie RUKidding - 6-6-2024 at 19:39

Eddie RUKidding - 8-6-2024 at 21:19

Eddie RUKidding - 9-6-2024 at 23:29

I always get frustrated trying to put my trousers in the wardrobe.

I think I have hanger management issues.

Plook - 10-6-2024 at 17:05

Eddie RUKidding - 10-6-2024 at 22:20

A failed rock musician rents a studio to record his own suicide, and makes arrangements for the resulting disc to be produced and sent to an extensive list of promoters and critics.

In the studio he reads a long statement -

"This is for all you philistines out there who never gave my music a chance, who care only about the bottom line and couldn't give a flying damn about the creative musicians who slog their guts out all their lives just so you can sip cocktails on a beach in the Caribbean... (etc. etc.) well I've had enough, you ignored me, then you cheated me and finally you forgot about me, you ruined my life and I want you to know it's YOU who are responsible for what I'm about to do...."

and he takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head.

From the control room, the engineer says "Good level - shall we go for a take?"

Eddie RUKidding - 10-6-2024 at 22:25

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

BBP - 11-6-2024 at 21:31

:drums:

BBP - 11-6-2024 at 21:34

William bought a new car with the latest in A.I. technology. When he got home, his wife was tired and asked him to pick up the children from school. William said to the car, "Go to school and bring home my children." The car didn't return for quite a while. Finally, it showed up with an overload of children. The car pulled in the driveway and announced, "These are your children, sir." In the car was their landlady's daughter, the choir director's son, his wife's friend's daughter, the pastor's son, and their neighbor's son. William's wife angrily shouted, "Don't tell me that all these kids are yours!" William asked calmly, "First, explain why our children are not in the car?"

Eddie RUKidding - 11-6-2024 at 21:53

^ Good One- I hope Elon has a similar experience with AI lol

I should have never glued a piranha to my boomerang.

I just know it’s going to come back to bite me.

BBP - 12-6-2024 at 19:52

A well-worn dollar bill and a similarly-distressed hundred-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. They struck up a conversation. The hundred reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a good life," it proclaimed. "I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, Broadway shows, and even a Caribbean cruise." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've had an exciting life." "Sure have. Where have you been?" The single replied, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Presbyterian church, the Baptist Church." The hundred asked, "What's a church?"

Eddie RUKidding - 12-6-2024 at 22:25

Eddie RUKidding - 13-6-2024 at 21:48

Eddie RUKidding - 13-6-2024 at 21:51

Plook - 14-6-2024 at 19:28

Sooo true... :lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 15-6-2024 at 23:09

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three, one change the bulb and the other two to hold the penis, I mean mother, I mean ladder.

Eddie RUKidding - 16-6-2024 at 23:16

Tried something new last night.

I had curried pelican at my local Indian.

It was lovely but the bill was enormous.

Eddie RUKidding - 17-6-2024 at 22:35

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

$45 Billion found in a Nigerian man's flat.

He'd spent 10 years trying get rid of it, but nobody answered his emails.

Eddie RUKidding - 18-6-2024 at 23:17

Eddie RUKidding - 19-6-2024 at 23:24

Fancy Dress Party

Host: What have you come as?

Me: A harp

Host: Your costume's too small to be a harp.

Me: Are you calling me a lyre? :guitar2:

Eddie RUKidding - 20-6-2024 at 23:06

Eddie RUKidding - 20-6-2024 at 23:15

"Doctor, doctor every time I see a biro lid,I get all sad and tearful."

"Tell me how long have you had these pen top emotions?"

BBP - 21-6-2024 at 21:05

What Is the Number One Complaint from Tesla Employees?
No matter where you are in the facility it always smells a little musky.

Eddie RUKidding - 21-6-2024 at 23:50

My friend keeps saying:

"Could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well.

Eddie RUKidding - 22-6-2024 at 23:03

During my check up I asked the doctor "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then ?"

He replied "I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now".

I said "I don't go in for that astrology nonsense".

He replied "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke".

Eddie RUKidding - 23-6-2024 at 23:14

I said to the auctioneer "So, this stuffed dog in the auction, what would it fetch if it were in its original condition?”

He said “Sticks”

Eddie RUKidding - 24-6-2024 at 23:29

What do you call a parrot with an umbrella?

Polly unsaturated

Eddie RUKidding - 25-6-2024 at 23:45

Thinking ahead....

I've just booked the same table as last year for me and my wife on Valentine's Day.

Hopefully she will pot more than one ball this year.

Eddie RUKidding - 25-6-2024 at 23:57

Eddie RUKidding - 27-6-2024 at 02:08

Pablo Picasso disturbs a burglar when he returns to his house one night.

The burglar scarpers sharpish.

Picasso does a drawing of the miscreant for the local police who subsequently arrest a horse and a tin of sardines.

Eddie RUKidding - 27-6-2024 at 02:14

Here is a English one - relevant to the upcoming UK Election :devil:

polydigm - 27-6-2024 at 10:10

That Fewer Trump joke is hilarious!!

Plook - 28-6-2024 at 00:35

Agree, I have been sending that one around... :lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 30-6-2024 at 23:34

Q: How do you know Jesus was into nouvelle cuisine ?

A: He fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fish.

Eddie RUKidding - 2-7-2024 at 04:20

Eddie RUKidding - 3-7-2024 at 07:49

Apparently Charles Dickens' 'A Tale of Two Cities' was originally serialised in two West Midlands newspapers.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times...

BBP - 3-7-2024 at 20:51

Philosophy is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat.
Metaphysics is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't there.
Theology is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't there, and shouting, "I found it!"
Science is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat, using a flashlight.

Plook - 3-7-2024 at 21:35

Quote: Originally posted by BBP

Philosophy is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat.
Metaphysics is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't there.
Theology is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't there, and shouting, "I found it!"
Science is being in a dark room, looking for a black cat, using a flashlight.

I will be borrowing that one Bonny... :guitar2:

Eddie RUKidding - 3-7-2024 at 23:16

I told my psychiatrist I keep hearing voices in my head.

He said "You don't have a psychiatrist".

Eddie RUKidding - 6-7-2024 at 23:40

After stealing all the punctuation marks off the judge’s keyboard …

I’m expecting a long sentence.

Eddie RUKidding - 8-7-2024 at 23:25

I had to go for a job interview yesterday.

The interviewer asked me: 'Can you perform under pressure?'

I replied: 'No, but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody!

Eddie RUKidding - 9-7-2024 at 23:30

BBP - 10-7-2024 at 20:27

Local news channel made an instruction video so you too can go from links to rechts:
https://www.omroepbrabant.nl/nieuws/4504704/met-deze-instruc...

Eddie RUKidding - 10-7-2024 at 23:57

Guy goes to the doctor with a raft of symptoms.

The doc takes a look and runs a couple of tests and says, 'Bad news, sir. You've got gonorrhea and herpes and covid. We're going to put you in a special isolation room and feed you a diet of flounder, pizza and pancakes.'

'Flounder, pizza and pancakes?', says the guy. 'Will that cure me?'

'No', says the doc, 'but we'll be able to fit it under the door. '

Eddie RUKidding - 11-7-2024 at 23:29

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?

HDMI.

Henry - 12-7-2024 at 12:37

A mate has 2 tickets for the England v spain game sunday night.

He paid £360 each, including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Guildford Registry Office, at 3pm. The bride's name is Sarah, she's 5'7" & quite attractive.

Plook - 12-7-2024 at 13:46

I hope this isn't too American

Eddie RUKidding - 13-7-2024 at 01:07

^ Both very funny- Tupperware is everywhere

The difference between America and the rest of the west..... :guitar:

Plook - 13-7-2024 at 15:23

^^^Great one!

Eddie RUKidding - 14-7-2024 at 00:23

Eddie RUKidding - 14-7-2024 at 00:25

one more for the day

ursinator2.0 - 14-7-2024 at 13:59

Eddie RUKidding - 14-7-2024 at 23:37

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
Following the funeral, the clergyman approached the elderly farmer and inquired why he nodded in accord with the women but consistently shook his head in disagreement with the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Eddie RUKidding - 14-7-2024 at 23:42

Real BBC News Headline :bald:

Plook - 15-7-2024 at 16:21

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 16-7-2024 at 01:36

^ Too true almost to be funny :biggrin:

Henry - 16-7-2024 at 09:50

Good ones above.

Eddie RUKidding - 17-7-2024 at 02:07

Will be heading to Queensland Towing the Caravan with the Tata ute this Friday, but wont be able to go and see the Tenacious D Touring Oz, as they have just cancelled their dates after just one show ............. (prob would not have gone anyway :devil:

'Devastated' fans mourn Tenacious D's cancelled tour after Trump assassination joke"

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-07-17/-devastated-fans-mour...

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