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make 'em laugh

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Eddie RUKidding - 17-7-2024 at 02:10

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool.

One turns to the other and asks, “Have you read Marx?”

He replies, “Yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs.”

Eddie RUKidding - 17-7-2024 at 23:58

Did you hear about the explorers' weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?

They could never beat the Straights of Magellan.

Eddie RUKidding - 18-7-2024 at 22:53

See ya in a week or two - off a caravanning to Qld, escaping the snow and cold down south :lol:

King Charles decided not to visit the USA as he thought he was too big a target...
Apparently he is coming downunder in October :drool:

Plook - 19-7-2024 at 01:23

Have a great trip Eddie be safe.

BBP - 20-7-2024 at 10:40

Ejoy your trip Eddie1

BBP - 20-7-2024 at 13:41

A man walked up to the manager of the Mercedes dealership and said, "My wife just got her driver's license and she wants to talk to you about that Ford in your showroom window." The manager replied, "There's no Ford in our showroom window!" The man said, "There is now!"

BBP - 22-7-2024 at 20:01

I went to a zoo yesterday, but it only had one exhibit. It was a Shih Tzu.

Eddie RUKidding - 1-8-2024 at 04:35

I put my motorbike for sale on Autotrader

Someone asked whats the lowest I could go on it?

I replied,

"About 2 mph, any lower and you'll probably tip over."

Eddie RUKidding - 2-8-2024 at 00:26

Doctor: I'm sorry, we couldn't save your wife...we didn't know her blood type.
Husband: What were her last words...?
Doctor: She kept saying "Be positive!"

Eddie RUKidding - 2-8-2024 at 23:58


Eddie RUKidding - 4-8-2024 at 00:38


Eddie RUKidding - 4-8-2024 at 23:33

Did Zappa have some influence here from Beyond............ :biggrin:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-11203491/Col...


Eddie RUKidding - 7-8-2024 at 23:32

What do you call a scientist that studies carbonation?

A fizzicist.

Eddie RUKidding - 8-8-2024 at 23:46


Eddie RUKidding - 10-8-2024 at 01:35


Eddie RUKidding - 10-8-2024 at 01:38


Eddie RUKidding - 11-8-2024 at 00:06


BBP - 12-8-2024 at 19:00

Parents are people who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.


Eddie RUKidding - 12-8-2024 at 23:30

The Romans invented Vaseline. Or was it Ancient Grease?

BBP - 14-8-2024 at 20:56

After fifteen sexually-starved years in the insane asylum, an inmate escaped. The first female he passed was the woman washing the asylum's laundry. He grabbed her, satisfied his urges, and ran off to freedom. The next day, the local newspaper ran the headline, "Nut Screws Washer and Bolts."

Eddie RUKidding - 14-8-2024 at 23:44

^Very funny


Eddie RUKidding - 15-8-2024 at 23:44

Once I was accidentally locked in a recording studio.

I yelled for help but no one could hear me. I didn’t know why.

I was baffled.

Eddie RUKidding - 17-8-2024 at 00:18

I bought eight legs of venison from our butcher for £40.
Is that two deer?

Eddie RUKidding - 18-8-2024 at 00:36


Eddie RUKidding - 19-8-2024 at 01:00


Plook - 20-8-2024 at 15:16

Eddie you challenge the brain I like it!

Eddie RUKidding - 21-8-2024 at 01:03

I try my best :cool:

Eddie RUKidding - 23-8-2024 at 00:44

A 50-year-old billionaire walks into a pub with his 25-year-old girlfriend.
His buddy asked him how he managed to get a girl half his age. The billionaire replied, “I lied about my age.”
His friend asked, “You told her you were 40?”
No said the billionaire, “I told her I was 90.”

Eddie RUKidding - 24-8-2024 at 00:16


BBP - 24-8-2024 at 12:50

Yesterday, I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo. This morning, when it wouldn't wash off, I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn't there.


Eddie RUKidding - 24-8-2024 at 23:58


Eddie RUKidding - 27-8-2024 at 04:29



and themes for a dozen Zappa songs :mad:

BBP - 29-8-2024 at 20:43

A teacher had a class with a very shy boy named Jerry and a truly mean girl named Traci. Traci begged for attention and mocked the other kids. One day, the teacher paired up Jerry and Traci for a group project with two other boys. Traci did nothing and just talked to the other two boys, leaving Jerry to do all the work. The teacher asked them, "Why is Jerry doing all the work while you three chat?" Traci quickly replied, "He's hogging everything. Jerry won't let us do anything." The teacher knew this wasn't true. "Then Jerry can rest, since he's already done his share." Traci responded, "No, that's okay. Let him do it. He's a nerd anyways" and got a big laugh out of the other boys. The teacher said, "You should be nice to Jerry; he could be your boss someday." Without hesitation, Jerry said, "No, thanks. When I grow up, I don't plan to be a pimp!"

Eddie RUKidding - 29-8-2024 at 23:58

A nice Nerdy one here too :biggrin:

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing Hide ‘n’ Seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count, so he covers his eyes and counts to ten. Pascal runs to hide, but Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground, then stands in the middle of it.

Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “I found you, Newton! You’re it!”

Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

Eddie RUKidding - 3-9-2024 at 04:56

How do you colonize Mars?

M:A:R:S

Eddie RUKidding - 3-9-2024 at 05:25



Minnesota Minneminneminneminne- it can't happen here :biggrin:

Eddie RUKidding - 3-9-2024 at 23:35


Plook - 4-9-2024 at 00:12

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 4-9-2024 at 00:58

Thought you'd like a good probing joke :biggrin:

Eddie RUKidding - 5-9-2024 at 05:21


Eddie RUKidding - 6-9-2024 at 01:12


Eddie RUKidding - 7-9-2024 at 01:24

As you know Karl Marx is well-known, but most people have forgotten about his sister the Olympic runner Onya. Her name remains at the start of every race when her name is loudly mentioned in honour of her achievements.

Plook - 7-9-2024 at 14:21

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 8-9-2024 at 00:09


Eddie RUKidding - 9-9-2024 at 00:35


Eddie RUKidding - 10-9-2024 at 01:37


Plook - 10-9-2024 at 01:45

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 11-9-2024 at 00:45


Eddie RUKidding - 12-9-2024 at 00:26

I've just downloaded a piece of software to my phone that identifies different tree resins.
It's called What Sap.

Eddie RUKidding - 13-9-2024 at 00:00


Eddie RUKidding - 13-9-2024 at 23:59


Eddie RUKidding - 15-9-2024 at 00:16


Plook - 17-9-2024 at 13:58

The Haitian Pool Boy I am sending out everywhere hilarious...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 19-9-2024 at 01:24


Eddie RUKidding - 21-9-2024 at 01:00



I made a paper airplane but it just hovered in one spot like a helicopter.

Then I remembered that it was stationary.

Eddie RUKidding - 22-9-2024 at 00:02


Eddie RUKidding - 22-9-2024 at 00:09


BBP - 24-9-2024 at 19:11

A man with three girlfriends didn't know which one to marry. So he gave each one $5,000 to see what would happen. The first got a total makeover, new clothes, new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works. She explained, "I spent all the money on myself making me look good for you, because I love you so much." The second bought new golf clubs, a home theater and a big-screen TV and gave them to him. She explained, "I spent all the money buying things for you, because I love you so much." The third invested the $5,000 in the stock market, quickly doubled her money, gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the rest. She explained, "I invested the rest of the money for our future, because I love you so much." The man carefully considered how each woman has risen to the challenge of his test. So which girl did he marry? The one with the big tits.

Eddie RUKidding - 25-9-2024 at 05:57

^ HA HA very funny :D
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

Eddie RUKidding - 27-9-2024 at 00:35

Today on the street a man asked me for a dollar. I told him that I only carry big bills.

He said give me one of those.

So I gave him my electric bill.

Plook - 27-9-2024 at 20:48

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 29-9-2024 at 00:21


Eddie RUKidding - 30-9-2024 at 00:20

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

PS 2 things about Fosters
1. Its not sold in Australia and is for export consumption only.
2. Fosters is not good enough to be sold in OZ lol
Not to say we have got some really bad beers available on the Oz market, Black Duck (Swan Beer) and West End to name a few

Eddie RUKidding - 1-10-2024 at 08:37

I'm fed up with comments from people ridiculing EVs. They don’t know what they’re talking about.
Personally I drive two of the top of the range EVs from Jaguar and Porsche. Their acceleration and handling is fantastic. They look brilliant and they’re really cheap to run. They hardly need any maintenance and haven’t depreciated since I bought them.
Literally the only criticism I could make of them sometimes is that if I push them hard into the corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the sofa…

Eddie RUKidding - 2-10-2024 at 07:35


Does not look like a bakery but looks like they put Buns in the oven thou 😉

Plook - 2-10-2024 at 14:04

Quote: Originally posted by Eddie RUKidding  
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

PS 2 things about Fosters
1. Its not sold in Australia and is for export consumption only.
2. Fosters is not good enough to be sold in OZ lol
Not to say we have got some really bad beers available on the Oz market, Black Duck (Swan Beer) and West End to name a few




Great Joke, I am spreading it around but I had to look up what a Scouser was and explain it when I tell it...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 2-10-2024 at 23:50

Yeah Scouser is an ingrained Pommie slang term for a native or inhabitant of Liverpool ie the Beatles included :D

Eddie RUKidding - 3-10-2024 at 07:19


Eddie RUKidding - 4-10-2024 at 00:17

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

BBP - 4-10-2024 at 20:56

Advertising Terms Explained: NEW: Different color from previous design. ALL NEW: Parts not compatible with previous designs. EXCLUSIVE: Imported. UNMATCHED: Nearly as good as the competition. FOOLPROOF OPERATION: No provision for adjustment. ADVANCED DESIGN: The ad agency doesn't understand it. HERE AT LAST: Rush job; nobody knew it was coming. FIELD TESTED: Manufacturer lacks test equipment. HIGH ACCURACY: Unit on which all parts fit. FUTURISTIC: No good reason why it looks like it does. REDESIGNED: Previous flaws fixed; hopefully. BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a use for it. DIRECT SALES ONLY: Factory had fight with distributor. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: We finally got it to work. MAINTENANCE FREE: Impossible to fix. MEETS ALL STANDARDS: Ours, not yours. SOLID-STATE: Heavy as hell. HIGH RELIABILITY: We made it work long enough to ship it.

Eddie RUKidding - 5-10-2024 at 00:33

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots. But they only know to say one thing'
'What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

Eddie RUKidding - 6-10-2024 at 00:35


Eddie RUKidding - 7-10-2024 at 01:07


BBP - 7-10-2024 at 19:02

I accidentally took my cat's medicine last night. Don't ask meow.


Eddie RUKidding - 9-10-2024 at 00:10

Be even funnier if Captain Tom and Adrian Belew were involved :D

Eddie RUKidding - 11-10-2024 at 00:10

Surely this is a line from a Zappa song or two :D


Eddie RUKidding - 11-10-2024 at 00:18

Once more for the world (for today) :biggrin:


Eddie RUKidding - 11-10-2024 at 23:48


Plook - 15-10-2024 at 01:14

Classic Eddie, classic...:cool:

Eddie RUKidding - 15-10-2024 at 02:34

Thanks Plook

Eddie RUKidding - 15-10-2024 at 23:00


Eddie RUKidding - 16-10-2024 at 00:22


Plook - 17-10-2024 at 20:40

That one is going out for sure...:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 17-10-2024 at 22:38


Eddie RUKidding - 17-10-2024 at 22:41

One more time for the world (again for today :biggrin: )

Eddie RUKidding - 19-10-2024 at 23:44



Eddie RUKidding - 20-10-2024 at 23:27

I want this T Shirt :D

BBP - 23-10-2024 at 18:09

My wife and I were stuck in traffic. Frustrated, I told her, "I'm turning round." She replied, "I know. You eat too many burgers!"


Eddie RUKidding - 23-10-2024 at 23:34


BBP - 24-10-2024 at 19:02

Definition of housework: What a wife does without anyone noticing it, until she doesn't do it.


Eddie RUKidding - 24-10-2024 at 22:38


Eddie RUKidding - 24-10-2024 at 22:58

One more time for the World (for today)

The bear may have been playing prepared piano by Cage Uncaged :D

Eddie RUKidding - 26-10-2024 at 05:34


Eddie RUKidding - 26-10-2024 at 22:45


Eddie RUKidding - 27-10-2024 at 22:58


Eddie RUKidding - 28-10-2024 at 22:28


Plook - 28-10-2024 at 23:49

:lol:

Eddie RUKidding - 31-10-2024 at 01:49


Eddie RUKidding - 1-11-2024 at 22:51


Eddie RUKidding - 3-11-2024 at 00:57

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow. :bald:
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