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Eddie RUKidding
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I told my psychiatrist I keep hearing voices in my head.
He said "You don't have a psychiatrist".
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Eddie RUKidding
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After stealing all the punctuation marks off the judge’s keyboard …
I’m expecting a long sentence.
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Eddie RUKidding
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I had to go for a job interview yesterday.
The interviewer asked me: 'Can you perform under pressure?'
I replied: 'No, but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody!
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Eddie RUKidding
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BBP
Super Administrator
Posts: 8361
Registered: 3-10-2005
Location: Eindhoven, Netherlands
Member Is Offline
Mood: Cheerful yet relaxed
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Local news channel made an instruction video so you too can go from links to rechts:
https://www.omroepbrabant.nl/nieuws/4504704/met-deze-instructievideo...
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Eddie RUKidding
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Guy goes to the doctor with a raft of symptoms.
The doc takes a look and runs a couple of tests and says, 'Bad news, sir. You've got gonorrhea and herpes and covid. We're going to put you in a
special isolation room and feed you a diet of flounder, pizza and pancakes.'
'Flounder, pizza and pancakes?', says the guy. 'Will that cure me?'
'No', says the doc, 'but we'll be able to fit it under the door. '
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Eddie RUKidding
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?
HDMI.
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Henry
200 Motels Status
Posts: 55
Registered: 4-2-2024
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A mate has 2 tickets for the England v spain game sunday night.
He paid £360 each, including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding.
🤦♂️🤦♂️
If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Guildford Registry Office, at 3pm. The bride's name is Sarah, she's 5'7" & quite attractive.
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Plook
Joe's Garage Status
Posts: 733
Registered: 11-7-2022
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I hope this isn't too American
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Eddie RUKidding
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^ Both very funny- Tupperware is everywhere
The difference between America and the rest of the west..... 
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Plook
Joe's Garage Status
Posts: 733
Registered: 11-7-2022
Member Is Offline
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^^^Great one!
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Eddie RUKidding
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Eddie RUKidding
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one more for the day
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ursinator2.0
Sheik Yerbouti Status
Posts: 428
Registered: 11-7-2022
Member Is Offline
Mood: in between  and 
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Eddie RUKidding
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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with
both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for
a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
Following the funeral, the clergyman approached the elderly farmer and inquired why he nodded in accord with the women but consistently shook his head
in disagreement with the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head
in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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Eddie RUKidding
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Real BBC News Headline 
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Plook
Joe's Garage Status
Posts: 733
Registered: 11-7-2022
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Eddie RUKidding
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^ Too true almost to be funny 
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Henry
200 Motels Status
Posts: 55
Registered: 4-2-2024
Member Is Offline
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Good ones above.
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Eddie RUKidding
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Will be heading to Queensland Towing the Caravan with the Tata ute this Friday, but wont be able to go and see the Tenacious D Touring Oz, as they
have just cancelled their dates after just one show ............. (prob would not have gone anyway 
'Devastated' fans mourn Tenacious D's cancelled tour after Trump assassination joke"
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-07-17/-devastated-fans-mourn-tenaci...
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