^lol
One sunny afternoon, an elderly woman named Violante was cruising peacefully down the highway when she noticed flashing red and blue lights in her rearview mirror. Without a fuss, she pulled over to the side of the road. A young, nervous-looking officer approached her window.
Officer: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”
Violante: “Is something wrong, Officer?”
Officer: “Yes, ma’am. You were speeding.”
Violante: “Oh, I see.”
Officer: “May I see your driver’s license?”
Violante: “I would, but I don’t have one.”
Officer: “…You don’t?”
Violante: “Nope. Lost it about four years ago—for drunk driving.”
The officer paused, clearly rattled.
Officer: “Alright… Can I see your vehicle registration, then?”
Violante: “Sorry, can’t help you there either.”
Officer: “Why not?”
Violante: “Because I stole the car.”
The officer’s jaw nearly hit the ground.
Officer: “You... stole it?”
Violante: “Yes. And just so you know, I killed the owner. His chopped-up body’s in the trunk.”
Now pale and panicked, the officer backed away slowly, hand on his radio. Moments later, squad cars surrounded the vehicle. A senior officer approached, hand resting on his holstered weapon.
Officer 2: “Ma’am, please step out of the car.”
Violante stepped out calmly, even smiling.
Officer 2: “One of my officers says you stole this vehicle and... murdered the owner.”
Violante (cheerfully): “Murder? Oh my! Of course not. Feel free to check the trunk if you’d like.”
Cautiously, the officer opened the trunk. It was empty—nothing but a few reusable grocery bags.
Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma’am?”
Violante: “Certainly. Here’s the registration.”
She handed over the papers. Everything checked out.
Officer 2: “And your driver’s license?”
Violante opened her purse and handed it over with a pleasant nod.
The officer looked it over, stunned.
Officer 2: “I don’t understand. My officer said you didn’t have a license, that this car was stolen, and... you’d killed someone.”
Violante chuckled.
Violante: “Let me guess… I bet he also said I was speeding.”

I have powdered water but I don’t know what to add to it.

^ Ice, powdered water on the rocks lol

Technology will never produce a writing implement with the same grace as an old-fashioned pen.

It has no e-quill.

When my gynecologist asks me what I use for birth control, I say, "my personality."

^ LOL was that Madonna

I once dated a girl who was actually a ghost. I knew as soon as she walked through the door. :biggrin:

Two nuns sharing a bath:
Nun 1 - "Where's the soap?"
Nun 2 - "Yes it does, doesn’t it!"

If you're scared of escalators, there are steps you can take...

I was wondering what soap I should use to clean my pet dolphin.

Then I realised an all porpoise cleaner was the best

:bouncing:
I applied for a job extracting coal but they said I didn’t have the right experience.

Never mined.

I don't mean to brag but I finished a puzzle in one week.
The box said 2-4 years.

A friend told me she didn't understand cloning.
I told her that makes two of us

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer - I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!

We lost our dog last night while we were making a salad. If anybody Cesar, lettuce know

TWO TIPS FOR CHRISTMAS:
1. Forget the past: you can't change it.
2. Forget the present: I didn't get you one.

Q: What has 5 toes and is not your foot?



A: My foot