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[*] posted on 4-5-2024 at 08:46


Definition of a "cool surgeon:" the hip replacement doctor.



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[*] posted on 4-5-2024 at 22:38


5 hours ago
An old one but nicely developed.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."




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[*] posted on 6-5-2024 at 01:22


A friend once told me, “You can’t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.”

Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.




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[*] posted on 6-5-2024 at 23:28


Coming up:

One of the most important lessons in learning how to play guitar.

Stay tuned.




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[*] posted on 8-5-2024 at 08:41


Maybe Frank would have liked this one :bald:

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked .

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied .

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds cash and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no-one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.

There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor....

I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."




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[*] posted on 13-5-2024 at 23:26


A man is sitting at the roadside looking very unhappy.

A soldier passing by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.

I've locked myself out of my car.' replies the man.

'No problem,' replies the soldier 'Let me try by rubbing my backside on the door.'

The motorist is perplexed but reckons there's no harm in letting him try.

The soldier puts his bottom to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the door and the lock clicks open.

'That's amazing' says the motorist. 'How did you do it?'

'Easy,' replies the soldier. 'I'm wearing khaki trousers.'
:devil:




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[*] posted on 14-5-2024 at 00:02


Wow that was reach, but I laughed...:lol:
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[*] posted on 14-5-2024 at 19:37


I remember first reading that and getting my sides split. It involved a damsel in distress and a soldier taking off his trousers.



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[*] posted on 15-5-2024 at 23:07



Two Welshmen were shipwrecked on a desert island.

A number of years later, a ship spots them and a boat is sent to pick them up.

Getting off the boat, the obviously very English officer says, "My word, you chaps have clearly been very busy while you have been here."

"What's that you've built over there?"

"Oh, that's the hut where we sleep."

"I see. And what's that over there?"

"That's our kitchen where we keep a fire going and cook our food."

"I see. And what's that over there?"

"Ah. That's chapel."

"Ahah. And what's that over there?"

"It's chapel."

"Errr..... that's a chapel and that's a chapel. Why two chapels?"

"Oh, [pointing] that's the one we don't go to."




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[*] posted on 16-5-2024 at 20:26


You May Be Old If... You go an entire day without taking one picture with your phone. You increase your font size to "Billboard." You get carpal tunnel syndrome scrolling down to your birth year. You look down and decide your t-shirt needs ironing and then realize: you're naked. You wake up with a hangover when you didn't even drink last night. Childhood punishments like naps, being grounded, and not allowed to go to parties, are now your preferences. You hear elevator music and remember when that song came out. You refer to your knees as "good" and "bad." Your doctor now tells you slow down instead of the police!



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[*] posted on 16-5-2024 at 22:24


Good one Bonny...:lol:
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[*] posted on 16-5-2024 at 23:48


They had to evacuate my local music festival when a band did a cover of Boogie Wonderland.

It set off the Earth, Wind and Fire alarm.




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[*] posted on 17-5-2024 at 23:15


I'm so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.




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[*] posted on 19-5-2024 at 23:55


I just started downloading the Titanic soundtrack.

It's syncing right now...
:bouncing:




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[*] posted on 20-5-2024 at 22:36


This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last 2 put together...



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[*] posted on 21-5-2024 at 21:51


I wonder if Frank had one of these




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[*] posted on 22-5-2024 at 22:17


A couple from the circus walk into the adoption agency office and ask if they can adopt a child.

The adoption official says " Arent circuses always on the move so how would you house your child ?"

"No problem" says the couple "We have the finest motor caravan money can buy with plenty of room
and all mod cons".

"That may be so but how about proper education if your always travelling"

"Well we plan to hire a full time teacher to travel with us"

" Hmm, its seems you have all the requirements covered. So would you like a boy or a girl ?"

" It doesnt really matter as long as he or she will fit into the canon"




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[*] posted on 23-5-2024 at 20:50


Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony, but eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is always zero.





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[*] posted on 23-5-2024 at 22:16


^The Truth is always found in Mathematics, so no argument from me lol

A lad asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills. They were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"




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[*] posted on 24-5-2024 at 19:28


Once upon a time, I met a genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you." The genue saud, "Weurd wush, but U wull grant ut."



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