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Eddie RUKidding
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My mate recently hired an Eastern European cleaner, but it took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
South of the Border
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Plook
Joe's Garage Status
Posts: 617
Registered: 11-7-2022
Member Is Offline
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I'm just to American for that one...
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Eddie RUKidding
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My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.
Her actual words were, “You’ve got fat,” but I know what she meant.
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Eddie RUKidding
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f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar.
The barman says, "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions.”
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BBP
Super Administrator
Posts: 8251
Registered: 3-10-2005
Location: Eindhoven, Netherlands
Member Is Offline
Mood: Cheerful yet relaxed
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A woman was in labor with their first child. Suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't. Couldn't. Wouldn't. Didn't. Can't." Her husband cried, "Doc!
What's wrong with my wife?" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions!"
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Eddie RUKidding
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^Sounds like the end section of Stink Foot on Apostrophe(') lol
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Eddie RUKidding
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Notice outside a church:
If you are tired of sin, come inside.
To which someone has added:
If not, telephone....
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Eddie RUKidding
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A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper to try to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks and no phone calls, the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the ad?" asked his wife.
"Here boy," said the farmer.
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Eddie RUKidding
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My friend is very poorly so I went round to see him.
I took an I-pad, some DVDs and some ready meals.
Hopefully he is too sick to notice they've gone.
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Eddie RUKidding
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Postman Pat has finally reached retiring age.
On his very last round many of the households to which he's been delivering for years want to give him a really great send-off.
One family gives him £100, one gives him vouchers for a really fantastic cruise, and another a big gold watch.
But at the very last house, he knocks on the door because there's a parcel and the gorgeous blonde girl who lives there opens the door in sexy
lingerie and drags him straight upstairs for several hours of the most passionate and varied sex he's ever experienced!
Afterwards they go downstairs to the kitchen and she makes him a delicious full English breakfast: sausages, bacon, eggs, black pudding, mushrooms,
tomatoes, the lot.
Then Pat notices, as she pours him a big cup of delicious filter coffee, that there's a pound coin in the saucer.
Pat says, "What's the coin for?"
She explains, "Well, last night I told my husband that you were retiring so I asked him what we should do.
He said, 'F**k him, give him a quid!'
"The breakfast was my idea."
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Plook
Joe's Garage Status
Posts: 617
Registered: 11-7-2022
Member Is Offline
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I got that one, very funny...
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Eddie RUKidding
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glad that one got thru, Postman Pat is popular in the UK and even has a song............ and even in Norway
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb3QXrvs6dY
English version 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcXzU4JOiDE
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Eddie RUKidding
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Eddie RUKidding
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I’m writing a song about getting my door lock replaced.
There’s a key change at the end. 
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Eddie RUKidding
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A couple are sitting having a drink in bar just chatting away.
Suddenly the man slides down the seat and disappears under the table.
The woman carries on drinking as though nothing has happened.
The barman's a bit worried about this and says: 'Excuse me madam but your husband's just disappeared under the table?'
She replies: 'No, my husband just walked in the door.'
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Eddie RUKidding
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I had an accident and was surprised when the doctor handed me a report saying that my fingers were all broken.
It was hard for me to grasp.
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Eddie RUKidding
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British tourists driving around Germany; the woman to her husband
"'Ausfahrt' must be a big place, it's signposted everywhere"
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Eddie RUKidding
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Man at anger management clinic: "Sometimes I get so angry I just want to go out and do judo moves on fat people."
Therapist: "Calm down. There's no point throwing a wobbly."
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Eddie RUKidding
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tis was the coldest night of the year and the next morning all the cows were frozen solid.
Farmer Giles tried everything he could think of - blankets, hot water bottles, even a hair dryer - but the cows remained solid blocks of ice.
A neighbour passing by asked what the problem was and on being told he smiled and said "I know the very person who can help you!"
Half an hour later he was back with an elderly woman wrapped in a shawl, hobbling slowly towards the cow field.
"She'll sort you out!" he smiled.
She went from cow to cow, stroking, patting, whispering, and gradually each animal was released from its icy bonds.
"That's a miracle!" said the farmer. "Who is she?"
"Didn't you recognise her? That's Thaw-A-Herd!"
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Eddie RUKidding
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Jesus walks into a restaurant and says, "Table for 26 please".
Maitre d' (looking past him at the entourage): "But sir, there are only thirteen of you."
"Yes, but we're all going to sit on the same side."
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