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zombie1210

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Registered: 3-8-2008
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posted on 23-10-2008 at 01:32

Reasons why Kirk is totally better than Picard

Reasons why Kirk is totally better than Picard

* 57. Kirk NEVER became a Borg.
* 56. Kirk didn't have kids and families on board his ship. Picard's was nothing but families. And porn stashes.
* 55. Kirk's hand phasers at least resembled guns. Picard's looked like TV remotes and dildos.
* 54. Kirk fought Khan and won. Picard never even met the man.
* 53. Kirk would hit what Picard wouldn't. Or couldn't.
* 52. Kirk's Enterprise could fly at Warp 10 at times. Suck it Picard and your stupid rules for how warp 10 cannot be achieved.
* 51. Kirk didn't care too much for targeting an enemies engines or weapon systems, Kirk would shoot at anything he fucking felt like.
* 50. Kirk scored with green skin girls.
* 49. Kirk won against the no-win scenario.
* 48. Kirk went to a planet and fought goddamn commies. Picard fought drug addicts.
* 47. Picard doesn't play World of Warcraft. Kirk does and he plays with the Horde, not that pansy Alliance.
* 46. Kirk's first officer was the finest in the fleet, whereas Picard's first officer was lame. Lame.
* 45. Kirk never wasted time by making us watch him eat in the mess-hall. When he went to the mess-hall to eat, it was actually to fight Romulans or score with them.
* 44. Kirk, having passed third grade and knowing of the dangers of a hard vacuum rarely stood near a window while on the Enterprise; Picard had a fucking SKYLIGHT on his bridge. C'mon, dude, that's just ridiculous.
* 43. Despite not being the best diplomat, Kirk at least had a dedicated communications officer on his bridge. I'm not really sure why she was sixth in command, but she was at least there.
* 42. Kirk's middle name is TIBERIUS. That's a name a dragonshark made out of lasers would want. Picard's is Luc. Lame.
* 41. Picard doesn't have any children, Kirk probably has millions. Because, you know. Sex.
* 40. Kirk has slightly more hair than Picard.
* 39. Kirk would never wear a dress when admirals came for a visit. Or, you know. At all. Kirk usually has admirals arrested and put in the damn brig.
* 38. Kirk could solve a problem without having to reverse the polarity. He had at least twelve other solutions. Three of them involved scoring.
* 37. Kirk's female crew members wore miniskirts, Picard's wore slacks. Lame.
* 36. Kirk would never pretend to be a barber to hide from his enemies. He'd just rip off their hair, while it was attached to their heads.
* 35. Kirk doesn't have a problem with sending red shirts to check out strange sound; Picard is a redshirt.
* 34. Diplomacy for Kirk involved at least seventeen phasers and a fight to the death.
* 33. Wesley Crusher never once set foot on Kirk's ship.
* 32. Captain Kirk's heart never got stabbed and replaced by an artificial one, because Captain Kirk's torso is actually made out of steel.
* 31. At age 37 Kirk was captain of the USS Enterprise, flagship of the Federation, whereas at 37 Picard was captain of the USS Stargazer, a ship that was unimpressive even when it was built.
* 30. On Kirk's last episode, he may have gotten turned into a woman, but on Picard's last episode he got his ship destroyed. Three times. Three fucking times, dude.
* 29. Despite Kirk having a slower ship, he made to the edge of the galaxy on his first episode.
* 28. Kirk knew how to deal with omnipotent beings with nothing better to do than harass him: tell his parents.
* 27. Kirk's doctor was named Bones, giving the impression he at least knew something about the human body. Picard's doctor's name sounds she'll maim you for fun.
* 26. Fans of TOS want to be Kirk, fans of TNG want to be Riker. Because, you know. Picard was old. Lame.
* 25. Attack Kirk's ship: photon torpedos, no questions asked. Attack Picard's ship: Negotiation, no questions asked. Except by Worf, with whose advice Picard never agrees.
* 24. Kirk never had to split his ship in half to beat his enemies. Not even once.
* 23. How many bad guys did Kirk beat up with a single neck chop? Jillions. How many did Picard-- oh wait, none. He didn't go on away missions. Except that one time and then the bad guys stole his underwear. No, they did. Lame.
* 22. Let's face it: Being born in Iowa > Being born in a French vineyard.
* 21. Kirk's helmsman was cool enough to get his own ship, Picard's was not. (Actually LaForge got a ship in an alternature future, Ro joined The Maquis and that brat teamed up with the traveler who moved through spacetime using the power of his thoughts.)
* 20. When Kirk had to deal with an evil computer, he blew it up with logic. When Picard had to deal with an evil computer, he had Data solve the problem for him.
* 19. Kirk knew enough from the Tribble incident to never let cute furry things on a star-ship after the first time. Picard? There may as well have been a furry-cute-evil-thing... elevator.
* 18. Kirk didn't have children on his ship for more than a single episode. Little kids are annoying.
* 17. Despite having a crew of only 400, Kirk was smart enough to manage the people he had so that his chief engineer didn't also have to be a helmsman. Also, Picard's helmsman was freaking blind. (He got promoted to chief engineer, the brat took over the helm).
* 16. Kirk never almost flew his ship into an object the size of a solar system. Maybe an object the size of a planet, but never one the size of a solar system.
* 15. Kirk's bridge? Not beige.
* 14. Kirk's first officer didn't need a beard to look manly, he only needed one to look evil.
* 13. Kirk didn't have Lwaxana Troi as a recurring guest character. He had Nurse Chapel as a recurring guest character.
* 12. Kirk didn't need a holodeck to live his fantasies. His fantasies were beating up Klingons and seducing hot alien girls, both of which he did in real life every episode.
* 11. Kirk once went to the planet of nothing but gangsters, and out-gangsters everyone on it.
* 10. Kirk had enough common sense not to go on away missions wearing a red shirt. Sometimes he didn't wear a shirt at all.
* 9. Kirk's chief engineer was a fighty Scotsman. Picard's chief engineer was blind and hosted Reading Rainbow.
* 8. Kirk doesn't speak with a pretentious 'English' accent even though he's French. Which he's not.
* 7. Kirk didn't have a devoted chief of security, but if he did, his chief security officer wouldn't have had a ponytail, or be a girl.
* 6. When Kirk gives his friends nicknames, he gives them real nicknames, not sissy ones like "Number One".
* 5. If Kirk wants advice, he'll ask Spock, and sometimes McCoy. Not everyone in earshot, and definitely not Wesley Crusher.
* 4. Kirk can beat Vulcans in chess.
* 3. Kirk doesn't need a psychic to tell him that the Romulans have hostile intentions. The Romulans always have hostile intentions. I mean, seriously. Fuck you, Deanna Troi.
* 2. Kirk once made a cannon out of a log and shot diamonds into the heart of his enemy. Picard lost a fencing match to Whoopi Goldberg.
* 1. Spock.